Why I wish Christmas would come and go quickly

People who don't know me probalby don't know why I "hate" Christmas, or really any holiday. I didn't always. I used to love Christmas. It was my fave holiday. I loved decorating the tree, smeling the tree smell, putting up the ornaments, listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas movies on tv, goint to someone's house on Christmas eve (or having them come to our house) since I'm social and all, and most of all, the anticipation of Christmas day to see what presents we got. Now thats the pagan Christmas, not the Birth of Christ Christmas, which I never celebrated since all of my immediate family are non-religous. So paganism it is!

My parents divorced in 1991 and that was our last Christmas. After that, my father vanished from our lives to go shack up w/ several gold digging whores, and my mother remarried a guy who hated us and locked us away. Christmas didn't exist anymore. It just stopped like a car that hit the anti lock brakes. I spent my 2 Christmases in my stepfather's house locked in my room, out of sight, out of mind. No tree, no presents. No ornaments. No xmas songs. No house hopping on xmas eve. No nothing.

I escaped Tennesee (where my mother moved us to with her new husband who fond work at the GM plant down there) in 1994 to move back in with my father who obviously didn't want me but....tough! You create me, you DEAL with me!!! 1995 was my first Christmas back in NJ. It was an attempt. We had a tree, we had lights, and I got a few presents. I think I got a donut, a Mariah Carey CD, new rollerblades, a few sweaters, and did I mention a donut? But the presents don't make Christmas. There was something missing. That Christmas I sat in my townhouse alone watching "Miracle on 34th Street" like 3 times in a row, bored out of my mind. My father iddn't food shop. I had no food to eat, and no stores were open. Back then nothing was open on Xmas. Its changed now thank god. Usually chinese is open! I went for a walk thru our development and looked in windows of the other families eating together, having fun etc. I realized Christmas as I knew it was over. I knew it was over til I become part of another family. Basically when I get married, assuming my hubby has a good relationship with his fam.

What little family I have, I don't fit in to. My aunt and uncle (dad's bro and his wife) are hardcore bible toting, holy rolling Catholics who shove it down my throat, and make no secret that I am not accepted or welcome in to their fam since I was never baptised Catholic, refused to BE baptized, and said that religion is a fantasy story used to explain how we got here cuz noone was smart enough to figure it out back in the olden days. Wellt hats what i think! Sue me! My uncle calls me a fuck up, and says I'm no good (aside from lack of Catholicism) and I am a disappointment cuz I didn't get good grades, go to college, join hte millitary and get married. So needless to say I'm not wanted or accepted in that group. I have another uncle (dads younger bro) who is so ghetto, that he brought weed to Great Adventure and rolled joints while his sons were on the go karts. He goes thru garbage cans and is just so unbelieveably ghetto, he's embarassing. I dont' fit in w/ them. Frankly, they dont fit in with the bible toters either but they're more welcome than me since they are CATHOLIC and listen to my aunt preach about the topic du jour.

I have cousins. Lots of em. THey're not bible toters but since they are with the bible toter clan on holidays I can't hang w/ them. My dad sits home alone. Perfectly content that way. My mother and I are estranged and she wants me to visit but i dont want to. So what options does that leave me on a holiday? Nothing really. Sit home in front of the tv. I used to aimlessly roam the streets of East Brunswick, the town I lived in from 1994 to 2000 every year, every single holiday. I couldn't hang w/ friends since they were all with their families.

On a normal day, yes you're alone. You work, come home, make dinner, shower, watch tv and go to bed. No biggie. But on holidays everyone kind of goes to where they belong. They go to be with others like them. They're accepted and welcome and supported and whatever else. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong with my bible toting aunt and uncle who put me down and think I'm a fuck up. I don't belong w/ my estranged mother who allowed her husband to lock me up and starve me, and I don't belong with my ghetto cousins and uncle from the bronx who roll joints in a public place and mooch off of me cuz they think I'm "rich". So where do I belong?

I don't.

Christmas kind of rubs it in that you have noone in this world who gives a flying fuck about you. I mean I know every day of my life that this is true, but for some reason holidays are harder. I really thought that by my age I would have been married and adopted into another family and have my own. That hasn't happened so every Christmas gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas alot. I really can't wait to have it again but I know its not possible til I get married. I dont want people to invite me over out of pity, cuz i dont belong there. I used to go somewhere for thanksgiving a few years but clearly I did not belong. I felt like a complete outsider. I guess I just have to wait it out. I learned in psychology that human beings have a need to belong.

That need in me has not been realized. That's why I hate holidays. Maybe now you'll understand a little better when I get into these moods. I'm bored, have nowhere to go where I'm welcome and accepted, and I get to hear about, see pics from and listen to everyones happy stories of something that I lost half a lifetime ago.

New Obsession, but expensive obsession

I have a new culinary obsession lately. Its this Vietnamese dish called Bo Luc Lac. Its beef in a dark flavorful brown sauce, served with lettuce, scallions and white rice. The beef is so tender, and I just found out its made from Filet Mignon (of course! *slaps forehead at my expensive tastes*). That'll explain the price. It ain't cheap. Ive eaten it a few times this past week, and several times during the summer. But I had to have it again.

I have to look up the recipe and attempt to make it on my own (although I can't really keep using filet mignon cuz I'm not rich, but my taste buds seem to think so!) But if I boil the beef in the marinade slowly for a few hours it should be tender and I can just use regular beef cubes as opposed to filet mignon. I usually dont have luck with asian recipes. They never taste authentic when I make them. I follow the directions but I think that most of the recipes were written by suburban housewives in Wisconsin or something and not by someone from that ethnicity. I'm kind of at a loss here. Just wanted to give my new fave dish a shoutout cuz its probably the last time I'm gonna be buying it for a while. Back to the grind in 2010.

The Transformation of ME

I'm in the middle of a pretty big change. It's pretty weird how all the shit I went thru in the past few years is hitting me now. I'm becoming such a different person, but not neccesarily for the better.

The rejection, the betrayal, the hopelessness, the lack of job, lack of money, the feeling that everyone thinks I'm a failure, that every one forgot what I accomplished before the bad times, and the fact that I feel like its me against the world caused this change. These few years starting in 2006 when I was 26 years old, have been the worst years of my life, hands down. It seems like bad luck came at me like a meteor shower. One meteor slamming into me after another. Right when I fix the mess that one made, another one hits. My health has suffered. I gained tons of weight in a years time, and I am starting to not care about anything anymore.

Life is not fair. I know that very well. I've lived it! It seems like my friends' dreams are coming true one by one. They're moving up in the world, getting a dream job, buying their dream house, meeting the man of their dreams and starting a family. None of that happened to me. I've had a taste of success but lost it all at 26. I have yet to regain ANYTHING back. I'm gonna be 30 in 7 months. I really have nothing to show for myself except the fact that I've managed to live independently for most of the past 10 yrs (how I don't know!!!!) but I managed.

I just sit on the beach at nite and wish that MY dreams can come true. Or at least some of them. Its hard being on Facebook sometimes and seeing the happiness and joy other people I went to school with are experiencing. I'm not jealous but I do envy them. Theres a difference in my book. I wish I knew what it was like to leave work at night to come home to my own family. I may never know that. I worry I'll never be able to have kids due to my age and the fact that I'm pretty much a broken person after my last relationship. I don't know how I can have another relationship. I can see myself pushing someone away. Giving up too easily. Afraid of re-living the nightmare that I lived thru with my last one. People like me tend to go down that path. I dont know how old I can have kids til. My mother was 38 when she had her last one. Does that mean I can go into my late 30s? I don't know. Noone can tell you that. But I picture myself watching all my friends marry and have kids while I remmain single and childless. I see myself hitting 40, again watching my friends with their pre teen kids while I am single and childless, knowing that it'll never happen. I wish there wasn't such a time limit on having kids. I dont sleep around and I won't get knocked up by some dude. I'd have to be with someone to make it happen. There's always artificial insemenation too but i'll deal w/ that once i hit like 33 or 34yrs old I said. But that's not far away at all! 3 or 4 yrs.

Scary.

I see tragic figures and liken them to myself. Billie Holiday, Marilyn Monroe, and now Michael Jackson. I worry that my life is gonna end like theirs. I dont' do drugs but I completely understand why people do them. I didn't always. But I do now. You're in so much emotional pain that you'll do ANYTHING to make it stop. Anything. I was there. Some days I still am. Its a struggle to not take a bunch of pills that will put me in that state. I have a prescription that could do that. One of hte most addictive drugs in the country. I don't abuse it though. I hardly ever take them to tell you the truth. But I actually don't like the sedated state. I think thats why I never used drugs as my way to cope. I don't like being drugged. I've always felt that I would die young. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to live. And NO I'm not gonna kill myself. I don't wanna die. I wanna live and be happy. But happiness seems to elude me. Nothing but bad things happen to me. My health is declining. So my way of thinking changes along with it.

Sometimes I think that I'll never be successful again, since every road I try to take out of this situation is blocked by the threat of my Unemployment stopping (they threaten to stop it constantly. the best thing to do is not work honestly but i dont want to sit there and collect. if i dont work, i will exhaust my claim. So I work) I work low paying temp jobs that makes me feel like even less of a human being. I climbed so far in my years working in corporate america. And I've fallen all the way to the bottom. Even lower than where I started from, actually.

I think that I'll never be able to be a nurse, cuz I keep failing the algebra tests and I can't be a nurse til I get good at algebra. (don't know WHY!!!!!). Algebra is my major weakness. I am horrible at math. If I'm not a nurse, I have to wait for the economy to pick up. It could be a long time. I dont wanna struggle anymore. I want to be able to not worry bout money. Not sacrifice if I want a pair of shoes, to go without dinner for 4 nights to get them. Be abole to go on vacations, rent a car again, buy a new car in the future. All these things are denied to me because of the bad luck streak that started when I was 26. What kind of future am I gonna have?

I stopped caring about alot because of this. I feel like my life is gonna be hard and difficult no matter what, so why care? I break rules, laws, give ppl attitude (like cops), do not like being told what to do (unless you give me a paycheck everyweek that is). I really developed a fuck-it attitude. I buy shoes if I can afford them,and i WILL go without food for a while. Why? You only life once. I don't know how long it'll be for. I want to at least say I tried to enjoy what time I had here on earth dispite my situation. I'm really trying to enjoy my life to the fullest on a small budget. Because it makes me happy. Usually I'm miserable. Especially after the last 4 years. You have no idea what I went through. Noone really does. Only Michelle knows the whole story. Everyone knows about money woes but add relationship issues to that, and painful ones at that. She's the only one who understands what I went thru. It changes you.

This brings me to my next point. My attention seeking-ness. I never used to give two shits about being the center of attention. Now I must be. I have to be the focus. I want people to look at me. I want someone to talk to me. I want someone to compliment me. It stems from the rejection from my ex. He didn't want me. so I wondered if anyone did. Now i'm in this mindset. I need attention to validate myself. I hate that I'm becoming this way cuz its not me. I am 100% against my behavior. These guys that remind me of my ex, and there are a few, I MUST make them talk to me and notice me and compliment me. I have to. I'll do anything to get it. I hate this. I understand why I act this way but I wish I could stop it. I dont' want to be this pathetic person who needs attention to validate themself. But he made me that pathetic person. I am ashamed. This is not me.

So thats pretty much all I have to vent about today. I guess w/ the holidays coming up I'm gonna be more blah. Since I usually am around this time. I thought for sure I'd have a fam of my own by my age. Every year that goes by gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas. I miss Thanksgiving. I thought for sure I'd have them again by now. But I still sit home alone wishing I had a family. I don't havea realtionship with my family. I dont need to be told I'm a fuckup and get Catholocism pushed down my throat. I'll never be good enough for them and they're not worthy the 4hr drive to eat with them. Plus I dont like the way they cook. Their stuffing is horrible, spanish rice is horrible, yams are horrible, and other shit is horrible. I'd rather sit home and cook a cornish hen, veggies and stove top stuffing that I WILL eat. Altho' it would be nice to have a real family where you're accepted and welcomed and where you fit in. That, I don't have.

So hopefully there wont' be anymore of these posts for a while. I already said what I feel about holidays and my life, and my behavior. So.... what more is this to say. I just wish everything could change. I try to change things but end up exhausting myself and burning myself out trying to fight the system that I dont make a dent. Should I accept that this is my life,and shoot for low goals of a 30k job when I used to make $49k? Should I just temp and be a receptionist and an administrative assistant and struggle? Cuz fighting to get back to my place is so exhausting and draining. Its not my nature to give up. On anything. I haven't given up on anything yet. Except one. It may be time to give up on another just to save my health and my sanity. Who knows what'l happen next. I wish my dreams were next in line to come true like all of my former classmates on facebook. I want it to be my turn. When will my turn come????

Ode to Temping

^ I'm not?! NO! Of course not! I'm "just THE TEMP".

So as some of you may know, I am at yet ANOTHER menial, bullshit, temp assignment! I just wanted to make some extra cash that I can keep, so a low paying part time one was the only way to [legally] do it. I was told about a 2wk assignment. Ok fine. I interview, the guy liked me (apparently the schmuck only interviewed me and noone else). Then I am told its temp to perm. The salary is ridiculously low. I never made so little money even in my first job with no office experience. I would be evicted within a month if I went perm on this job w/ out the aid of Unemployment. And I'd have to quit school, to work a second job which I don't want to do. So I never would've consented to a temp to perm unless it was a GOOD PAYING JOB. Uhhhh ... Whats that again? *scratches head*. Something that just existed many moons ago, apparently. Every available job Iv'e seen advertised is SHIT PAY. But this one takes the cake. They tried to negotiate the salary up but the guy refused. The temp agency has tried to trap me in this assignment. Why am I able to be trapped? I need the money! Its always about money. This one thing that makes our whole world go round. The one thing that makes people kill eachother, and lie, and cheat for it. Money. Gotta love it. So good yet so evil.

So I said I could do 2wks. Then I was told they need me longer. I said I would not go perm. Not at that salary. Its not worth me dropping out of NURSING SCHOOL of all things for a low paying bullshit temp job. I said I'd only do it if the job paid 40K and up so I'd live comfortably. If i have to struggle, then NO. I'd rather ride out my UE as far as it will stretch to come out at the other end with a LPN or an RN. Still waiting on entering nursing prog at bother Brookdale and Middlesex Co Vo Tech. I will find out soon. Very soon. I hope I passed my test. I am still worried about the math. I can read and I can write. And I can also spell! Woohoo! But math... even though I studied, I wasn't so sure.

SO ANYWAY.... The temp agency begged and pleaded with me to stay longer than two weeks. I still asserted that I would NOT go fulltime. She said just take it week by week. Yeah right. This agency hasn't had a work order in weeks apparently. They get commission when I temp. So they're all relying on me for that commission check. I am not allowed to leave a temp job unless I have another lined up before my UE term ends. I am not sure when I am gonna exhaust my claim. I have 2 extensions and I may just go right into them as opposed to filing new claim(like I did last year) cuz the extensions will be at the same pay rate. My new claim will likely be $300ish a week which is gonna be rough to make it on. Trying to make as much as possible right now. The pay I get from temping is so low that I actually LEGITIMATLY can receive UE while I temp. I am allowed to work 1/2 days Weds and Thurs for classes. Then I have my other night and Sat classes. Temping right now will benefit me cuz I think...I will let'cha know.... that I make out $100/wk richer than on UE. Which makes me go =) !!!

I show up to my assignment today at 9. Thats the time I was told to come. Noone was there. I sat with the receptionist for an hour. Noone came. I was on twitter and facebook. Nothing interesting. I emailed temp agency telling them that noone was here. They were puzzled. I didn't drive all the way up here for nothign tho'! this shit uses alot of gas! So I was gona stay and make some (hahah I have to laugh cuz the "some" in this equasion is so low it'd probably be like $20 IF THAT for today) money.

At 10am the boss showed up. HE's an old man and he was nice during the inteview but came in w/ a chip on his shoulder. He asked me why I wasn't in the office working. I looked at him like he was dressed in drag. WTF?! Noone was here. He said he left work for me. Ummmmm. noone was in the office.... The door tot he office was unlocked but it was dark and I didn't go in there cuz I thought it wasn't right to being that I dont' work there. I could see it was gonna be a great day. I went to my station and the whole office is filthy. Dusty , dirty, crusty shit on the phones, the chair seat linig was ripped and i was sitting on egg crate material . The bathroom was so disgusting that I actually picked up a bottle of Lysol Bathroom Cleaner and cleaned the toilet seat myself!!!! So disgusting!!! Ugh!

I was given work to do and not told where to find the documents in question. Not told where the references were. I was to make phone calls asking if dealers will buy used electronic parts, not knowing what parts they were or were they opened and uninstalled or were they in the box (that was a common question i got from ppl on the phone). I asked the boss who just said to ask if they buy parts. I don't knwo the model numbers. Well how the FUCK am I supposed to know them?! Am i supposed to be some kinda super temp?! Oh hold on, lemme don my T Shirt!

The phone rang and I saw a receptionist so I didn't think I was supposed to answer the phone. The boss said to answer it. I asked him how the phoen should be answered. I didn't know the name of the company. WAs never told. I was just given a name and addy in my temp interview. He walked off and picked up a call on his cell. The woman on the business phone asked for him and when he wasn't avail, she asked for voicemail. I was never shown how to transfer to voicemail. Every system is different. This was an old ass phone from the 90s or so. The other one employee, this guy from Africa whos really nice and helpful told me that there IS no voicemail. WTF? I have to take a message the old fashioned way. Um ok. Later I had to email a job app to some electronic technicians looking for work. I'd assume there was an electronic copy. No siree! It was a cheaply copied paper form that had to be scanned. The scanner was an old one that only took one page at a time and made each page into its own file. The email client did not have a BCC field so all the ppl had to see who else was getting the mail. Boss didn't seem to care so, the hell if I do! lol He told me tojust send it together. *shrug*.

Then he said he wanted a copy of everything. The email, and the job app and the sheet of names. Um. its in your outbox. So I sent the email to HIM (boss) and CC'd the other people. There you have it. As far as a copy, there scan I used WAS a copy. When i interviewed he tested me to see if I was competent. I assume I was.... lol. He had me scan a 20pg doc and had me retype a word doc into an email. He didnt want me to cut n' paste. I retyped and he asked for a copy. But there already WAS a copy as a word doc and the electronic word doc. I had to make copies of the 20pgs i scanned too even tho the scan was printed off of an elec copy and I sent a NEW elec copy. He wanted to see the whole thing that was sent out. Most people would just ask that the email be fwded to them so they can see for themself. This guy wanted copies so he wouldn't lose the orig emails. Just for shits n' giggles. Judging by his age, the condition of the office, lack of technology, he is def still livin' in the 1960s or something. so much unnecessary shit work.

In the 2 hours that I actually worked ... since HE was an hour late...... I didn't get to do much. 30 min before I left, I went to the bathroom (and had to clean it prior to using it). When I came out, he was gone. The other employee was gone. I was alone there and noone said anything. I called the agency to tell them i'm leaving at 12:30 for class just incase he tried to bullshit the time and claim i left at 12, when i didn't. Oh not that I'll make that much more money. Actually now that I think about it, who cares what time I left? Cuz I really ain't making SHIT at this job. LAst weeks temping (i worked on the interview) adn this weeks just about covers the GAS MONEY to get there. I am shaking my head and asking myself why in the HELL I took this job. But again. I need the shit money. Next week when I work a semi full week it'll be some nice spending money to make life a lil' easier. I just hate that I get these low paying shit jobs, and am treated like a fucking idiot.

Shoot meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............

The days when I had a good respectable job, with good pay, and treated like one of the fam seem to be so far behind me. These past few years w/ the economy and switching jobs I've mostly temped now. Mostly been the one who gets the shit work like counting the words on a piece of paper. YES I really did have to do that once! ALso counting small little pencils that were in a huge box. *bangs head against wall*.

My road to becoming a nurse is a long and hard one. But I hope it all happens. I'm still waiting on 2 diff results to find out which path I take next. and I have to figure out how to get outta this temp job, or get into another one with an END DATE before my UE is up. So thats some homework for myself. Gotta go to the UE office and have a chat w/ Patrick. I <3 Patrick. I really do!!! He got me $ I never would've gotten otherwise by just changing a DATE in the computer! I <<<<<<<<333333333 Him!!! Ok anyway, those of you who are employed, are not ashamed of waht you do, can make ends meet and still go shopping w/ the chicas on saturday afternoon. I envy thee! I really do. You dont know how good you have it.

This Is It Review

This isn't a spoiler, so anyone who hasn't seen the movie could read this if they want to. I'll be as vague as I can.....for now!

I was so excited to see this movie and it was soooo worth the wait. I dressed up in my fedora, all black, and a jeweled glove. I gave my friend the other glove and I saw a few other people dressed up MJ-like. They were all cheering and saying we're gonna love it.

It was so cool seeing the backstage-ness during the tour. You got to see MJ mess up, make excuses for WHY he messed up, his "duh" moments, interviews w/ people who worked on the production, MJ in his pjs rehearsing, and the movies that were gonna be played with the songs when the show would've been performed. The movie was so funny! I've heard Michael was pretty funny offstage, and this movie shows it.

The people in our theatre danced, sang, cheered, yelled out "Go'on Michael!", clapped etc. I like an interactive crowd! It was sooo fun! I wish I could freakin 'see it again! I will be first in line to buy it! I hope the DVD has more footage on it. It was 2hrs but I wanted more, damnit!

My fave part was when the Smooth Criminal rehearsal was on, and MJ was supposed to do something on cue. He missed it. Kenny Ortega the director was like "Are we misunderstanding something? That was the cue" MJ said "I wanna cue it!" Kenny then asked, "Michael, how are you gonna see when the screen behind you changes from (something) to (the other thing)?" Michael, serious, pauses for a minute and says "I can feel it...I'll feel it." Never cracking a smile. LMAO Thats all I'll say. So much else to talk about! Must contain self!

It was also sad in a way. Seeing this movie reminded me why I love MJ so much. I grew up w/ his music, as we all did. Seeing his personality, since he never talks much during concerts. Its sad to know that this person is no longer with us and we'll never get to see this again =(. I am so grateful I got to see him in concert. It was the most high energy, fun concert I have ever been to. I went with my friend Christina, and I bought tix off eBay for 200 dolla. I met a stranger on a NY streetcorner near my job, hoping the tix were real. They were thank god! I rememember fake Michaels walking around Madison SqGarden and how insane the fans acted cuz they looked alot like the real Michael! I remember the Jackson 5, the Billie Jean dance, jumping and singing and dancing and having the best time ever! I will never forget that moment when I was 21yrs old. My first, last and ONLY time seeing Michael Jackson in concert. In the movie I saw glimpses of the OLD MJ. He looks pretty good there actually. I used to have a huge crush on MJ in 1987 in the BAD years. I still saw a lil' of that him tonight. He moved really good and sang really good for 50yrs old. I could only imagine what he could have done, had Dr Murray not injected him with tons of SHIT that night =(

RIP Michael.... its just not sinking in that you're gone.

The Lark is ASCENDING!!!!

I always wished that I was able to play the violin. My great aunt played violin with the New York Philharmonic back in the 60s and 70s I think. Maybe it was earlier. Anyway, when it was time to pick instruments in 4th grade, my school, in Jackson NJ, only had wind band available. It wasn't until I was in high school in a different school district, East Brunswick, that I realized some schools had orchestras. I think hands down, I would've picked violin. There are millions of violin players, though. And your chances of getting into a symphony are so rare. But shit, it ain't like I'm getting into a symphony on flute! I'm a bad sight reader. Nothing changes that. I can play something perfectly that is considered difficult, but I still will bomb sight reading. I just don't have THAT talent. I have a shitty attention span lately. I was told it was cuz of stress. What ISN'T cuz of stress nowadays??? I try to avoid situations where I have to sight read.


So anyway, last spring at a NJ Symphony Orchestra concert, there was a violin soloist who played a piece called "Lark Ascending". It was performed by a chinese girl. The song sounds very chinese. Surprisingly, its composer is NOT chinese, but british or american...not sure. I remember this piece because I really liked it #1, and #2 it's a popular song for figure skaters to skate to. I still watch figure skating competitions on tv, if I know they're on! I recently saw a program by Yu-na Kim (current 2009 World Champion, and my fave skater at the present time), where she skates to this song. I decided to try my luck to find it free online. Some sheet music is out there, if you have patience (I don't lol) and look for hours. I wasn't able to find it, but I did find this sample on a sheet music ordering site. It shows the first page only. Its such a pretty song. Here is a youtube of the song. It's long, but you can follow along w/ the first page if you read music. Hint: Its a long cadenza which means its not really following the music exactly. Its left open to interpretation. If you don't know what I mean, you probably aren't a musician or a singer, so just listen to it instead! =)






I'm debating on buying this piece. Its for violin, and I play flute. They both are concert pitch, meaning they are both in the same key. For those non music people... not all instruments play the same notes. Clarinets, Saxophones, Cellos and Violas for example play in different 'keys', or notes. A Flute's "D" would be an "E" on a clarinet or trumpet. I'm not sure about the other instruments. But I know they're not concert pitched. Sooo flutes can play violin music with an orchestra. This probalby wouldn't happen in real life just cuz you can find so many violin PLAYERS but it wouldn't be off key if a flute played a violin part. I remember in school I was in the symphony orchestra and we had to play with the violins sometimes just so we wouldn't have a million measures rest waiting to come in. I have some violin music in my music binder. One of my faves is "Meditation" by Massanet. That's another story though.

So yeah, I'm not sure if I'm gonna buy this piece. It's very long. It seems a lil' repetative. I'll have to listen to it again to see. If I decide not to buy it, I at least have the first page to use as a warm up or something. LOL!

2010 Olympic Disappointment

Next year the Olympics are gonna be on our continent! They'll be in Vancouver! I know this, and yet my dumb ass and last minuteness has fucked me yet again. I was just looking at the ticketing site for the Olympics and the events I want to see are SOLD the fuck out! I can't say I blame anyone but myself. I should have gotten on this last year! Going to the Olympics is far from cheap and I'd really need a good paying job to do this. I don't have that still, although I thought I would by now. Soooo short of a miracle, I will not be attending the 2010 Olympic Games. But I want to make it a POINT to attend the 2014 games, wherever they may be. I'm pretty sure I'll be a working Nurse or worst case, working in Finance or Pharma again if all else fails. I'll also be 34 years old during those games, and vow to do it before I die! Well, as long as the world doesn't end in 2012 like they say it will. Otherewise, I'm gonna die at 32 =(.

In 2013 I will have to pool together some money (hopefully a friend or two or three would want to join me) and purchase a package to see multiple events and the opening ceremonies if possible. I always like to see the figure skating events. Maybe a hockey game or 2. Dunno. But figure skating first and foremost. I'd like to watch all skating events. There are alot though. 2 Mens, 2 Womens, 4 Ice Dance, 2 pairs, and 1 exhibition of winners. But if I'm making good money it'd be worth it.

Seeing the Olympics is a once in a lifetime thing (unless you're rich, which I clearly am not). I will attend the games at least once. The summer Olympics are cool too. I'd only really be in to Gymnastics cuz I was a lil gymnast for a few years but stuck w/ skating for the longest.

I am considering going to a skating event in Lake Placid NY this winter. I want to see my fave skater (now), Yu Na Kim.

I don't know how long the drive is to Lake Placid, but I really wanna enjoy my life to the fullest now. I have this inkling time is very limited. My motto is ''live like you're gonna die tomorrow''. I try to. Money usually holds me back. Somtehing held in NY is much easier to coordinate, than going to Vancouver. Also the flight to vancouver is ridic. No direct flights! Was not thrilled about that. I wonder who the contenders are for the 2014 Games. I know Rio just won the 2012 Games (Summer). Only the winter games really matter to me. I can' watch the summer games on tv. I only watch gymnastics, and diving.

I'm adding another mission to my many missions at present: Heather 2014!! Anyone who's remotely interested in a trip (I'm sure we'll all have jobs by then!) Holla and make your interest known!

Birthday Moon

The moon on my birthday was a WAXING GIBBOUS. I checked several sites and they all said this, so I assume it's accurate. I think the moon is pretty fascinating. Its interesting how the tides are affected by the full and new moon. Now that I have a kayak, I'm always watching the tides, and I know that if there's NOT a hurricane out in the ocean somewhere (ahem), low tide during full or new moon produces very shallow shorlines and usually calm (again if theres no hurricane).

Next year on my 30th bday, the moon will also be a waxing gibbous but fuller than the pic above. Every ten years the moon will be halfway into the next stage as ten years before.

This is what the moon looks like now. It's lit from the bottom. Acutally not as much as the pic. Its still got a bit of a tilt to it. I read that the 12th planet (I have no idea what that is!) is pushing the Earth UP above its eliptical plain. The earth rotates around the sun at the same angle (usually), but when this happens, the Earth moves up. So the sun is now BELOW us, as opposed to on the other side of the earth on the same plain. I never really noticed that the moon seems to tilt before. So the moon never moves, its just the sun that does. So the Earth's shadow blocks part of the moon on a tilt, making it look like the moon has tilted.

This is what I was up doing last night. Ya know, since I hardly sleep anymore.

I also did my moon chart. I don't know what all this shit means tho'. But maybe tonight when I can't sleep, I'll read more on this. My sun sign is Cancer (or Gemini, not noted on here but I usually just SAY I'm a Gemini). My moon sign is Libra. My ruling planet is Venus.

I wish I had more to add. But I really don't! Ive been sitting home all day going crazy out of sheer boredom. I really hate that my life has become this way. If I get into the other Nursing prog, I'll be in school everyday (in place of work) so I should be ya know, occupied. But I still worry about will my UE extend long enough to finish! *bites fingernails*. But If I don't do this and take the risk, will I EVER find a regular job? No prospects at all right now. At least the nursing thing will get me a guaranteed job in May of 2011. If I do nothing, I could just be temping and collecting til then and beyond. No guarantees. I think the choice is obvious. I'm just worried. I won't get a job IN TIME. *sigh*. This had nothing to do w/ moons. I just wanted to vent cuz thats what's [almost always] on my mind these days.

Back on the moon topic, I wish I had a telescope. I had planned to get one. I live near the beach and if you sit on the shoreline at night, the lights don't obstruct the view and I could prob get a really good view of space. Iv'e never seen a planet other than it looking like a star (saw Jupiter and Mercury last winter) But they are just star like with the naked eye. But VERY bright in daylight. It was pretty cool. I hate that my interests are always in things that get me nowhere in life. lol. Oh well. Time to go search for more shit to keep myself occupied til rehearsal tonight.

ER Costs Uncorked!

Uncorked was my own thing. Instead of uncovered. I'm staring at a bottle of wine that I have on my shelf (for decoration). Different spin on things... If you think the ER visit is only $800 like I did (lol @ only), think again! I went to the hospital finance office to apply for charity care, when the woman broke down my whole bill. I was SHOCKED at the true costs of an ER visit. Read on...

I have been having strange stomach pains for weeks. It mimicked ya know....female cramps, but i never get those! So I knew something was really weird. At first, I dismissed it thinking maybe this once I am getting cramps. But as time went on the cramping felt worse, like a pinching pain. Like something inside me was being pinched really hard.

Since I'm still unemployed and poor, I had to go to the poor people clinic in Long Branch. I was the only non mexican person there, as usual. I get stared at like "why are YOU here" by the mexican women with their 6 kids running rampantly around the waiting room, and its not a fun place to go to because of the hour plus waits (even with an appointment). When I finally saw the Dr (who looked like a high school student), she didn't know what was wrong w/ me. What a suprise! She didnt have the handy dandy diagnosing computer that the LAST ER doc used to diagnose me last summer w/ a skin infection. Shit, Can I be a Doctor too? Anyway, the Dr sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. I dont know why she couldnt send me to the poor people obgyn clinic for this (would've only cost me $20). They claim its booked up til Dec. Well wouldn't this be an emerg? No. Pregant mexican women (probably on their 7th or 8th kid by now) are the priority there. Although those are my words, not hers. lol.

My appt was 3 wks into the future. Before I started college (YES i know I'm old. I'm going back for nursing), the abominal pain got worse to a stabbing kind of pain. I decided to go to the ER because if it was something serious, i had time to drop my classes and maybe do online classes. I had to know before school started. My appt was well after the add/drop deadline. I went and they were of couse thrilled by my insurancelessness, and was told to wait. Surprisingly, I was taken in right away. I got a room with a bed instantly and I saw the $$$s start adding up. I did not want to rack up TOO much more medical debt from this but know its kinda inevitable. I was trying to be a frugalista about it. In the end, I found out what was wrong w/ me. Something that should cure itself. It hasnt at press time though. When I went in to apply for Charity Care yesterday with all my documents, the financial svcs girl told me that my bill was not $1900 like I was told (thru bills sent to my house..and they were sent QUICK!!!), but $8000. Yes you read that right. $8000.

I went to the ER at a different hospital last year. My bill was $800 and change. Yes thats 2 zeros. Eight Hundred. So how is this one Eight THOUSAND?! Well here goes...

Just to walk in the ER at this hospital costs $1076. (wtf?!) Had I known, I wouldve gone to a ghetto hospital. Maybe it'd be cheaper.

Having the bed and the room cost $ although I don't remember all the costs.

Getting blood drawn costs money. I had a cholesterol/sugar/liver functions/thyroid/gastrointestinal functions check. That cost $1200 and change.

Now, I didn't NEED a cholesterol/sugar/thyroid check. I know its routine but on someone w/ no ins who just GOT these tests done for school a month bfore (and this hospital can SEE the results cuz i had it done there) I didnt need em AGAIN! Is anything really gonna change. Just test the stomach stuff then!!!

Then theres the PEE. I pee for free everyday! Well that day it cost heavily to pee. Dont take peeing for granted, now!!!! Everyone who enters the ER must pee!!! Unless you physically can't I guess. Your pee gets tested for kidney issues, and pregnancy. The kidney portion of the pee test was $1087!!!




Then theres the routine pregnancy test. That cost $200 something dollars. I could've bought a First Response for that rate, OR if you're gonna give me an ultrasound ANYWAY, I'm pretty sure you'd see a baby if I was pregnant.

Later on I got an IV. I didn't want the IV. One thing we learned in our first nursing class was that a patient has a right to refuse any treatment. I planned to EXERCISE that right! I told the nurse I do not want the IV. I didn't know it cost what it cost. But I didn't need it. I was not dehydrated, and I had a huge bottle of water WITH me in the room cuz I didn't know how long I'd be in the hospital. She says everyone gets an IV. Great! Another needle in my vein, swollen fingers on that hand, and a nuisence of wheeling the pole w/ me wherever I go. >=/.

The IV by the way, cost over $1000.

That shocked me! I was livid! I told the lady "I didn't even WANT the IV!!!!" The lady (finance lady) agreed w/ my views and said the prices are beyond ridic. But wait! Theres's more!

I had 3 different ultrasounds. They were all $1200 EACH!!! I thought they were $350ish as per a friend on facebook. Well not at the ER they aint'! The finance lady said if I got them at regular radiology, it would've been a few hundred for each. Goddamnit!

Oh yes... I even got charged for my shitty, cold, turkey sandwich that I requested cuz I was there all day and starving and was told I had to fast before the ultrasound. That was $87. Shit, if you charge me $87 for my dinner, it better be at fucking Jean George in NYC for a 4 course meal, fine wine and decadant dessert! *roll eyes*.

There were other small costs for stupid things and it all added up to $8000. So then they reduced the bill down to $800 and change cuz I'm uninsured. The bills I got said double that though. They said if I do charity care, I pay 20% off the original $8000 cost which would be $1700ish. If I did self pay with no charity care, it'd be left as the $800. But then again if I need to go for anyting else, since I said my issue hasn't gone away, I would need charity care cuz otherwise theyw ant a partial deposit....which after this month's school refund is gone, I wont' have. I decided to leave this instance as a self pay. If I have to get an MRI or CAT scan later I will wait to go to the regular Radiology dept and have THEM do it for cheaper, then try for charity care for them. As long as the rules dont change. I pay 20% based on my unemployment. If I made $200/mo less, I'd be 100% covered. I wish there was a way to bullshit that. There is but its too late. I have no idea what I have to do next but all I know is my debt is steadily climbing due to medical expenses, and that shitty temp insurance I had denying every claim I had basically this past summer.

Next time you or I go to the ER and you're uninsured... remember how much the pee and the IV cost. I know it'll make a huge difference for me. I will refuse alot of things now that I know how much they cost. Cuz the reduced bill I got of $800 might have been even LOWER.

And why will the hospitals reduce the costs down from $8000 to $800 without hesitating? Because most major INSURANCE companies will only pay a MAX of $800 and change. If a person is insured, they'll take the max, and case closed. No add'l money owed. If you are unemployed and uninsured, you can't possibly pay $8000, so they reduce it down to what they would've gotten from the ins company had you had insurance coverage. They would however still take your $8000 if you had it. Crooks!!!! Something to think about there.

The Psychology of Me

Well, sometimes I fascinate myself. I do not have extensive knowledge of psychology, but I analyze things I do and say sometimes, trying to search for the deeper meaning of things.

So lately, I find my mind is being a bad chica on me, and I'm really shocking myself. It all goes back to my ex. Who basically said he wanted to be with me, yet rejected me constantly. He'd never make time for me, or talk to me, or make any long term plans w/ me, yet still swore I was the one for him. It was very confusing.

I don't have low self esteem. I think its okay. I mean I definitely don't think I'm all that at ALL! But I have average self esteem I guess. I am who I am. *shrug*.

My ex's constant rejection of me left my ego pretty bruised. I started to wonder what was wrong with ME, since he didn't seem to want me (he only wanted me sometimes. but that won't cut it in a relationship). I was very =( for a long time, and there are def days where I continue to be.

Sometimes my mind tries to reassure itself that I'm not completely fucked up or something. I find myself liking people who remind me of him. Theres one in particular. I won't mention his name cuz some people know him. Theres been a few people I've liked. This guy I just feel something for but I just can't put my finger on it. But the problem is , he's alot older than me. I don't know his real age but I know this can't be pretty. I am not trying to be with him. I'm not trying for anything. The constant rejection of my ex has made me seek attention elsewhere. I'm not into guys hitting on me. I actually hate it. I hate cheap lines and such. I just want to know that I'm still 'wantable'. This stems from the rejection I got from my ex. I know it! I just want ppl to look at me. I want ppl to flirt w/ me (but ask me to come home w/ you and you kill it, and I'm so done w/ you ! lol I'm not a whore!) I dont' want anything physical w/ these people. I just want them to LOOK but not touch. If I get what I want, I feel better. I hate that I'm some attention seeking whore now. Well not whore, but attention-seeking-whore. Difference. =)

So this dude. I've known him for a year. He reminds me of my ex. He has certain mannerisms that my ex had. He has a certain way about him that was like my ex. He has the same job as my ex. Why do I find myself looking at him like I have a crush on him? His age freaks me out big time. He doesn't look his age (which is only a guess, since I dont know his real age), but I just look at him differently. For a while I wanted to just talk to him. Do I think that its gonna replace something that was missing? I don't know. I want to get him to smile and laugh and flirt w/ me. and then I'm happy. He did. Tonight. And I feel so happy. But why?

I mean I know why, but I just dont' know why I seek this from people who remind me of B (the ex). I guess its to validate myself. He didn't want me. So I want other people to. Just dont' want it to go further than looking. It'd be pretty dangerous if I was the type to take things further. Luckally I'm not. *whew*. so I still have to see this person. I'm trying to talk myself out of this lil' crush I have cuz I know its not real. I know its just to make myself feel like SOMEONE wants me. Since B never seemed to. I just hate that this guy is so much like B. I guess this is just a phase. I've been thru alot these past 4 yrs. I guess this is how I heal from it, and cope w/ it. I just hope I stop liking these people, so I can really like someone I can really be with. And I'd prefer him not to remind me of my ex. But everyone I've liked since HAS.... Sometimes it seems so hopeless.

Its so weird that I analyze and understand my own psyche.

Kayaking Adventure #1 Raritan River & Surrounding Creeks

Since I got my kayak, I have only really used it in the ocean a few times, and the bay alot of times. I guess thats how I built up my stregnth because I fought the tides and currents from the beginning. I wanted to get this kayak mostly to explore places that I ordinarily couldn't get to by foot. Now that it's September (hey, its still summer til Sept 21st!!), I realized that I haven't gone on any ADVENTURES. I say this in my videos that this is different than a trip. I'll get to that in a second. I have been busy temping this summer mostly, then taking a nursing class, and then the laziness bug set in. But being the Procrastination Queen that I am, I will do them all at the LAST MINUTE! I don't own a wetsuit/drysuit so I can't kayak once the water temperatures go below 65 degrees. The ocean's at 76 right now, and I'm sure lakes and rivers are much warmer.
So the difference between Kayak ADVENTURE and Kayak TRIP is:

Trip: Just a phyisical 'put-the-kayak-on-the-car' deal, going to a planned destination other than where its docked. (example: paddling in a confined lake with nothing to explore, or a bay. If there are islands, tidelands, saltmarshes and coves, it would be an adventure).

Adventure: Going to a destination but also an expedition/exploration of the roads less traveled. Going somewhere you normally can't GET to.

WHERE I WENT:
The Raritan River in Middlesex County New Jersey runs from the Princeton area, out to the Raritain Bay in Old Bridge, which goes out into the ocean. There are alot of creeks and streams that stem off the Raritan River into the cattails and reeds. That is where I wanted to go.



If anyone has ever gone up the NJ Turnpike northbound side, after passing exit 9, on the right, you go over a bridge over the river. There was a huge old ferry docked there since 1982. That ferry was an old Staten Island Ferry commissioned in 1937 and bought by a local East Brunswick man, George Searle in the 1970s. He owned a now derelilct marina at the end of Schoolhouse Rd in East Brunswick (you can't get there that way though since it's gated and there are workers there during the day.) The ferry was docked at this location since 1982 and has stood there decaying til last year,when the state sued George Searle after the permit for the boat ran out. There were accusations that it was a low level risk to the environment. The ferry was dismantled and sold as scrap metal, I read last nite. I still decided to go along with the trip , since I needed to go up to Edison to pick up my paycheck from temping so I can pay my rent (todays the last day that it's considered 'on time'). I thought the Shah of Iran's yacht would still be there as it was in the pics, and I wanted to see if I can get into some of those little creeks and streams off the main river.

I came out and saw my landlord was HERE again, and he kinda gave me that 'where's the rent' look. I was like 'I'm on my way to pick up my paycheck and I was gonna leave it in your mailbox tonight after dinner.' He was like, oh ok. And I got the kayak up on the car and headed up there. It was a pain driving on the parkway with that thing. I could only drive 57mph before the boat started shaking. So I kept it at 55 on cruise control. I was worried about driving over the Driscoll Bridge on the parkway, that huge bridge that goes over the Raritan bay. I tied the kayak down really tight, and made it. Got my check, cashed it, and called my dad on a payphone cuz my cell is down, asking him if he wanted to have dinner. That is heathertalk for '' can you buy my poor ass dinner?'' I also told him that I'd pay him the $130 I owe him. So he was like 'OKAY!' I picked the Cheesecake factory. Now that that was set, I was on my way, but first a quick stop at McFucks.

McFucks. A very modern McFucks. I gotta call it what Frankie Nichelle calls it! Its just on my nerves with it running out of food/soda/icecream, so McFucks it is!

Video: Madame Tussaud's new wax figure lineup, as advertised in McDonalds.

Lovely! God knows what kind of shit is in the water, if there's a landfill right next to it!



When I got the kayak to the launching ramp, some white trash guy told me i was 'crazy' for going out on the river. I asked why. He said its very windy on the water. I said I don't feel any wind. He was like 'you'll see.'

The boat launch. Here I go!

I had to paddle about a mile upstream fighting the current. Then I got to the boat graveyard, but first some crabs...

Video-Blue Crab Babies

All that's left of the Ferry is it's hull =(.

The remnants.

Spying on the Shipyard.

The top of the Ferry, separated from the rest.

The hull.

Vide0-Mary Murray remains.

What the Mary Murray Staten Island Ferry used to look like. It was going to be converted into a restaurant, but it never materialized, so it was left to rust in East Brunswick's tidelands.

This was what the Shah of Iran's yacht looked like. I'm bummed it wasn't there anymore.

Where the Shah of Iran's yacht used to be. This creek is No Name Creek. See vid for more on that. At low tide, the bottom is all mud in the distance and I can't get back there. But I go in here on my way back at high tide. This is the entrance off the main river. Its marked by a 43 channel marker.

Birdy Love.

I headed under towards the Turnpike bridge, towards the New Brunswick section of the Raritan River.

Turnpike Bridge.

Underneath the Turnpike Bridge. Lots of Rutgers graffiti.

Route 1 bridge in the distance.

Looking back under the bridge.

I think petrolium is oil right? In Europe they call gas "Petrol". Anyway, theres a pipe under the river. Its pretty cool how they get it in there.

Old dock from days long gone.

Route 1 Bridge connecting New Brunswick (left) with Edison (right).

Geology of the river.

A Heron. They usually don't move that much but this one didn't care. lol

A creek off the Raritan River that went towards the Turnpike again.

I headed back, against the tide now, and decided that since it wasn't yet time to meet my dad, I would explore No Name Creek next to the boat graveyard. The tide was high enough to go in there now. Before it was just mud. This was much more exciting than the river itself!

A side creek off No Name Creek that goes...somewhere. The tide was too low to go in there.

Going around the bend of a very twisty No Name Creek.


Not sure where I'm going or what I'll find....

Video-No Name Creek.

On my way down No Name Creek. Nothing but wilderness, frogs, and herons out here.

You can see how shallow it is.





A dead end grotto. Another rocky shallow bottom. I got stuck for a minute.

I decided to turn around after this bridge (either the turnpike again or Rt 18. The bottom got really rocky and shallow and it was getting late.

Going back was really hard, since the tide was coming in, and it seemed to take FOREVER! I saw another kayaker coming up by me, he had a long kayak that goes a hell of alot faster than mine. The longer, the faster. Mine is 9ft. Its long enuff cuz its a pain to transport it on land. I finally made it back to the Edison Boat Basin!


Home Port!! Exhausted, but I made it back against the incoming high tide!

When I got ashore, the same white trash guy was surprised I made it and he was wondering where I was since I was gone so long. Whatevs. I got out and dragged the boat to the car, used the port a potty (i had no choice!! i don't pee in the woods or the water! its nasty!) then asked the guy, whose name was Tom to help me put the boat on the car top. He wasn't much help. The point in asking for help is so the kayak never touches the top of the car. He put it in the car top *sigh*. Anyway, he proceeded to tell me he ''likes a woman who's into the outdoors.'' he asked if i was into guys his age (late 50s id think) and I was like, 'not really but you're really nice for helping me w/ the boat.' *roll eyes*. He asked if my ''boyfriend'' likes to kayak with me. I said 'what boyfriend? even when I had one, he wouldn't commit to any plans in advance so we didn't do too much outdoorsy shit.' I cut the convo short, cuz I really didn't wanna talk about my Ex, since it would make me =( , so I told him I had to meet my dad and I left.

I drove up rt 1 towards Menlo Park Mall in Edison/Woodbridge, stopped at Wendys to change, and use those baby wipe things to clean off from the river ick that I had on me. Then met my dad at the cheesescake factory.

Cheesecake Factory


Whenever I have dinner with my dad, I must sacrifice my pride for a free meal. He embarasses me with his rudeness to waiters. We walked in and my dad is like' I'm not into these fancy places. I want spanish food." I assumed there'd be tacos or something there to shut him up. The waiter came and my dad shoo'd him away with a gesture cuz he wasn't ready. *hides*. Then he came back and I ordered steak. I asked my dad if he was ready and I said "Look they have carne asada (spanish food). Why don't you get that? My dad, right infront of the waiter was like "I don't want that SHIT!!! I need a few minutes." After a few min, he decided to get the carne asada after all. Then snapped his fingers at the waiter to bring him butter for the bread. *hides again*. The food was good. My dad was not happy with his food and he said so. He's like ''this isn't REAL carne asada, this is some bullshit immitation." I said "we're not at a Puerto Rican restaurant, what do you want?!" I had to pay him some money I owe him =/ which I was not wanting to do. But I need to be on his good side since I'm on strictly unemployment from here on out til at least late December. And money's gonna be super tight. Tighter than before. Temping doesn't pay much and neither does unemployment so, the noose around my neck has tightened. I might see if he can pay my car one month to give me some relief. tee hee.

After dinner, I put my rent in my landlord's mailbox, and headed home. I stopped at McFucks to pee again. On my way out of the parking lot, someone pulling IN beeped. I thought they were gonna tell me a tail light was out or something (y0u know how these damn cops are around here!) and I wanted to know what they wanted. It was some thug, driving a beat up old Mercury. He was like "Ey Shawty! Whats dat?" Meaning my kayak. Seriously? You have no idea what that is??? I said ''a kayak'' and he was like,''ohhhhh you be doin' dat? it good? i mean it fun n' shit? I been wantin to do dat one day!" I was like "Yeah its a pain in the ass to get aorund but its worth the trouble." Then he started with the " My name is (insert ghetto name here. I don't remember what it was). You gotta man?" With that I was like "Well I gotta rush home and pick someone up. See you later!" hahah. I got home just in time to watch the Michael Jackson funeral, just to have the family cut the video feed right as the casket came in =(.

I had a great kayak adventure and can't wait for my next one....once I do laundry cuz i'm outta shorts and bathing suits!

FIN !

Would've been 51 years...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL!!!!!

We miss you! =(

I'm watching nonstop Michael Jackson vids on tv today. He's having a birthday bash in NY tonight and I wish I could've gone. Noone was gonna go as of last week, and I def won't go by myself (its no fun). So I'll just pay tribute this way. I still wanna have some kinda Michael Jackson related party. Just not here. Casa de Heather is muy small. How else can I afford to live a block from the ocean!? I live in a NYC sized apartment! Hope you all are watching Michael vids too! All these MJ specials make me wish I had a dvd recorder. I use to tape shows alot. But now that vcrs are obsolete, I haven't gotten a dvd recorder. I have a perfectlly good DVD PLAYER sans DVR. Theres alot of unseen news footage on Michael that's being shown now. THey'll probably never play it again. Unforch a DVD recorder is too exp for right now since the rent is due like ...Tuesday! So, I may have to try to buy it off someone onlne somewhere on a DVD.

MJ shit goes thru the night! I can't believe he took all those sedatives, and then used Diprivan to fall asleep. WTF yo?

''You're playin' with your life! This ain't no truth or dare!" Wished he could've followed his own advice =(.