The Psychology of Me

Well, sometimes I fascinate myself. I do not have extensive knowledge of psychology, but I analyze things I do and say sometimes, trying to search for the deeper meaning of things.

So lately, I find my mind is being a bad chica on me, and I'm really shocking myself. It all goes back to my ex. Who basically said he wanted to be with me, yet rejected me constantly. He'd never make time for me, or talk to me, or make any long term plans w/ me, yet still swore I was the one for him. It was very confusing.

I don't have low self esteem. I think its okay. I mean I definitely don't think I'm all that at ALL! But I have average self esteem I guess. I am who I am. *shrug*.

My ex's constant rejection of me left my ego pretty bruised. I started to wonder what was wrong with ME, since he didn't seem to want me (he only wanted me sometimes. but that won't cut it in a relationship). I was very =( for a long time, and there are def days where I continue to be.

Sometimes my mind tries to reassure itself that I'm not completely fucked up or something. I find myself liking people who remind me of him. Theres one in particular. I won't mention his name cuz some people know him. Theres been a few people I've liked. This guy I just feel something for but I just can't put my finger on it. But the problem is , he's alot older than me. I don't know his real age but I know this can't be pretty. I am not trying to be with him. I'm not trying for anything. The constant rejection of my ex has made me seek attention elsewhere. I'm not into guys hitting on me. I actually hate it. I hate cheap lines and such. I just want to know that I'm still 'wantable'. This stems from the rejection I got from my ex. I know it! I just want ppl to look at me. I want ppl to flirt w/ me (but ask me to come home w/ you and you kill it, and I'm so done w/ you ! lol I'm not a whore!) I dont' want anything physical w/ these people. I just want them to LOOK but not touch. If I get what I want, I feel better. I hate that I'm some attention seeking whore now. Well not whore, but attention-seeking-whore. Difference. =)

So this dude. I've known him for a year. He reminds me of my ex. He has certain mannerisms that my ex had. He has a certain way about him that was like my ex. He has the same job as my ex. Why do I find myself looking at him like I have a crush on him? His age freaks me out big time. He doesn't look his age (which is only a guess, since I dont know his real age), but I just look at him differently. For a while I wanted to just talk to him. Do I think that its gonna replace something that was missing? I don't know. I want to get him to smile and laugh and flirt w/ me. and then I'm happy. He did. Tonight. And I feel so happy. But why?

I mean I know why, but I just dont' know why I seek this from people who remind me of B (the ex). I guess its to validate myself. He didn't want me. So I want other people to. Just dont' want it to go further than looking. It'd be pretty dangerous if I was the type to take things further. Luckally I'm not. *whew*. so I still have to see this person. I'm trying to talk myself out of this lil' crush I have cuz I know its not real. I know its just to make myself feel like SOMEONE wants me. Since B never seemed to. I just hate that this guy is so much like B. I guess this is just a phase. I've been thru alot these past 4 yrs. I guess this is how I heal from it, and cope w/ it. I just hope I stop liking these people, so I can really like someone I can really be with. And I'd prefer him not to remind me of my ex. But everyone I've liked since HAS.... Sometimes it seems so hopeless.

Its so weird that I analyze and understand my own psyche.

Kayaking Adventure #1 Raritan River & Surrounding Creeks

Since I got my kayak, I have only really used it in the ocean a few times, and the bay alot of times. I guess thats how I built up my stregnth because I fought the tides and currents from the beginning. I wanted to get this kayak mostly to explore places that I ordinarily couldn't get to by foot. Now that it's September (hey, its still summer til Sept 21st!!), I realized that I haven't gone on any ADVENTURES. I say this in my videos that this is different than a trip. I'll get to that in a second. I have been busy temping this summer mostly, then taking a nursing class, and then the laziness bug set in. But being the Procrastination Queen that I am, I will do them all at the LAST MINUTE! I don't own a wetsuit/drysuit so I can't kayak once the water temperatures go below 65 degrees. The ocean's at 76 right now, and I'm sure lakes and rivers are much warmer.
So the difference between Kayak ADVENTURE and Kayak TRIP is:

Trip: Just a phyisical 'put-the-kayak-on-the-car' deal, going to a planned destination other than where its docked. (example: paddling in a confined lake with nothing to explore, or a bay. If there are islands, tidelands, saltmarshes and coves, it would be an adventure).

Adventure: Going to a destination but also an expedition/exploration of the roads less traveled. Going somewhere you normally can't GET to.

WHERE I WENT:
The Raritan River in Middlesex County New Jersey runs from the Princeton area, out to the Raritain Bay in Old Bridge, which goes out into the ocean. There are alot of creeks and streams that stem off the Raritan River into the cattails and reeds. That is where I wanted to go.



If anyone has ever gone up the NJ Turnpike northbound side, after passing exit 9, on the right, you go over a bridge over the river. There was a huge old ferry docked there since 1982. That ferry was an old Staten Island Ferry commissioned in 1937 and bought by a local East Brunswick man, George Searle in the 1970s. He owned a now derelilct marina at the end of Schoolhouse Rd in East Brunswick (you can't get there that way though since it's gated and there are workers there during the day.) The ferry was docked at this location since 1982 and has stood there decaying til last year,when the state sued George Searle after the permit for the boat ran out. There were accusations that it was a low level risk to the environment. The ferry was dismantled and sold as scrap metal, I read last nite. I still decided to go along with the trip , since I needed to go up to Edison to pick up my paycheck from temping so I can pay my rent (todays the last day that it's considered 'on time'). I thought the Shah of Iran's yacht would still be there as it was in the pics, and I wanted to see if I can get into some of those little creeks and streams off the main river.

I came out and saw my landlord was HERE again, and he kinda gave me that 'where's the rent' look. I was like 'I'm on my way to pick up my paycheck and I was gonna leave it in your mailbox tonight after dinner.' He was like, oh ok. And I got the kayak up on the car and headed up there. It was a pain driving on the parkway with that thing. I could only drive 57mph before the boat started shaking. So I kept it at 55 on cruise control. I was worried about driving over the Driscoll Bridge on the parkway, that huge bridge that goes over the Raritan bay. I tied the kayak down really tight, and made it. Got my check, cashed it, and called my dad on a payphone cuz my cell is down, asking him if he wanted to have dinner. That is heathertalk for '' can you buy my poor ass dinner?'' I also told him that I'd pay him the $130 I owe him. So he was like 'OKAY!' I picked the Cheesecake factory. Now that that was set, I was on my way, but first a quick stop at McFucks.

McFucks. A very modern McFucks. I gotta call it what Frankie Nichelle calls it! Its just on my nerves with it running out of food/soda/icecream, so McFucks it is!

Video: Madame Tussaud's new wax figure lineup, as advertised in McDonalds.

Lovely! God knows what kind of shit is in the water, if there's a landfill right next to it!



When I got the kayak to the launching ramp, some white trash guy told me i was 'crazy' for going out on the river. I asked why. He said its very windy on the water. I said I don't feel any wind. He was like 'you'll see.'

The boat launch. Here I go!

I had to paddle about a mile upstream fighting the current. Then I got to the boat graveyard, but first some crabs...

Video-Blue Crab Babies

All that's left of the Ferry is it's hull =(.

The remnants.

Spying on the Shipyard.

The top of the Ferry, separated from the rest.

The hull.

Vide0-Mary Murray remains.

What the Mary Murray Staten Island Ferry used to look like. It was going to be converted into a restaurant, but it never materialized, so it was left to rust in East Brunswick's tidelands.

This was what the Shah of Iran's yacht looked like. I'm bummed it wasn't there anymore.

Where the Shah of Iran's yacht used to be. This creek is No Name Creek. See vid for more on that. At low tide, the bottom is all mud in the distance and I can't get back there. But I go in here on my way back at high tide. This is the entrance off the main river. Its marked by a 43 channel marker.

Birdy Love.

I headed under towards the Turnpike bridge, towards the New Brunswick section of the Raritan River.

Turnpike Bridge.

Underneath the Turnpike Bridge. Lots of Rutgers graffiti.

Route 1 bridge in the distance.

Looking back under the bridge.

I think petrolium is oil right? In Europe they call gas "Petrol". Anyway, theres a pipe under the river. Its pretty cool how they get it in there.

Old dock from days long gone.

Route 1 Bridge connecting New Brunswick (left) with Edison (right).

Geology of the river.

A Heron. They usually don't move that much but this one didn't care. lol

A creek off the Raritan River that went towards the Turnpike again.

I headed back, against the tide now, and decided that since it wasn't yet time to meet my dad, I would explore No Name Creek next to the boat graveyard. The tide was high enough to go in there now. Before it was just mud. This was much more exciting than the river itself!

A side creek off No Name Creek that goes...somewhere. The tide was too low to go in there.

Going around the bend of a very twisty No Name Creek.


Not sure where I'm going or what I'll find....

Video-No Name Creek.

On my way down No Name Creek. Nothing but wilderness, frogs, and herons out here.

You can see how shallow it is.





A dead end grotto. Another rocky shallow bottom. I got stuck for a minute.

I decided to turn around after this bridge (either the turnpike again or Rt 18. The bottom got really rocky and shallow and it was getting late.

Going back was really hard, since the tide was coming in, and it seemed to take FOREVER! I saw another kayaker coming up by me, he had a long kayak that goes a hell of alot faster than mine. The longer, the faster. Mine is 9ft. Its long enuff cuz its a pain to transport it on land. I finally made it back to the Edison Boat Basin!


Home Port!! Exhausted, but I made it back against the incoming high tide!

When I got ashore, the same white trash guy was surprised I made it and he was wondering where I was since I was gone so long. Whatevs. I got out and dragged the boat to the car, used the port a potty (i had no choice!! i don't pee in the woods or the water! its nasty!) then asked the guy, whose name was Tom to help me put the boat on the car top. He wasn't much help. The point in asking for help is so the kayak never touches the top of the car. He put it in the car top *sigh*. Anyway, he proceeded to tell me he ''likes a woman who's into the outdoors.'' he asked if i was into guys his age (late 50s id think) and I was like, 'not really but you're really nice for helping me w/ the boat.' *roll eyes*. He asked if my ''boyfriend'' likes to kayak with me. I said 'what boyfriend? even when I had one, he wouldn't commit to any plans in advance so we didn't do too much outdoorsy shit.' I cut the convo short, cuz I really didn't wanna talk about my Ex, since it would make me =( , so I told him I had to meet my dad and I left.

I drove up rt 1 towards Menlo Park Mall in Edison/Woodbridge, stopped at Wendys to change, and use those baby wipe things to clean off from the river ick that I had on me. Then met my dad at the cheesescake factory.

Cheesecake Factory


Whenever I have dinner with my dad, I must sacrifice my pride for a free meal. He embarasses me with his rudeness to waiters. We walked in and my dad is like' I'm not into these fancy places. I want spanish food." I assumed there'd be tacos or something there to shut him up. The waiter came and my dad shoo'd him away with a gesture cuz he wasn't ready. *hides*. Then he came back and I ordered steak. I asked my dad if he was ready and I said "Look they have carne asada (spanish food). Why don't you get that? My dad, right infront of the waiter was like "I don't want that SHIT!!! I need a few minutes." After a few min, he decided to get the carne asada after all. Then snapped his fingers at the waiter to bring him butter for the bread. *hides again*. The food was good. My dad was not happy with his food and he said so. He's like ''this isn't REAL carne asada, this is some bullshit immitation." I said "we're not at a Puerto Rican restaurant, what do you want?!" I had to pay him some money I owe him =/ which I was not wanting to do. But I need to be on his good side since I'm on strictly unemployment from here on out til at least late December. And money's gonna be super tight. Tighter than before. Temping doesn't pay much and neither does unemployment so, the noose around my neck has tightened. I might see if he can pay my car one month to give me some relief. tee hee.

After dinner, I put my rent in my landlord's mailbox, and headed home. I stopped at McFucks to pee again. On my way out of the parking lot, someone pulling IN beeped. I thought they were gonna tell me a tail light was out or something (y0u know how these damn cops are around here!) and I wanted to know what they wanted. It was some thug, driving a beat up old Mercury. He was like "Ey Shawty! Whats dat?" Meaning my kayak. Seriously? You have no idea what that is??? I said ''a kayak'' and he was like,''ohhhhh you be doin' dat? it good? i mean it fun n' shit? I been wantin to do dat one day!" I was like "Yeah its a pain in the ass to get aorund but its worth the trouble." Then he started with the " My name is (insert ghetto name here. I don't remember what it was). You gotta man?" With that I was like "Well I gotta rush home and pick someone up. See you later!" hahah. I got home just in time to watch the Michael Jackson funeral, just to have the family cut the video feed right as the casket came in =(.

I had a great kayak adventure and can't wait for my next one....once I do laundry cuz i'm outta shorts and bathing suits!

FIN !