Silence

I officially have the worst luck in this entire universe. This sounds so teenagerish to say, but it's true. Friends have been telling me that for years. But it all kind of came to a closed circle this afternoon.

I woke up, prepared to go apply for more shit jobs close by, then I took a walk on the boardwalk. I was waiting for the Locksmith to call so they can fix my trunk, which thelock won't open on. This way I can transport my kayak around, and have access to my life vest, and seat back. Not to mention books, shoes, resume folder, beachchair etc that are locked in there.

As I was walking, a friend called saying she was at Sandy Hook asking if I wanted to meet up and hang out. I was stuck waiting for the locksmith, who has nevercalled and its 3pm now! But also it cost $10 to go onthe beach, sitting in traffic to get there, it wouldn't work. I had to decline, but I really wanted to hang out. I haven't seen anyone in a week. I've pretty much been isolated due to lack of money.

I had a missed call while I was on the phone w/ my friend andit was my recruiter. Her tone of voice was solemn. There were alot of 'ummm's. She said to call her ASAP about my job. I knew.

I've been a temp for 3yrs. If you're not perfect, they ax you. I've been axed at least 6 or 7 times in the past 3yrs for not being 'the right fit'. I didn't know what the reason was for this thing, but I assumed it was the same.

I called all the temp agencies begging for work. One agency submitted my resume to two different jobs. The others had no work. Of course! Then I called the recruiter to hear the story. She is a very nice lady, who found my resume on Monster, and she continued to be sweet til the end. She generally sounded sorry and she basically said the reason I was axed was...

The woman I was replacing BEGGED for her job back. =( They let her haveit. The woman is a senior citizen who works 2 days a week, goes to FL in the winter, and they needed a full time peroson. That would've been me. She doesn't know Excel or Power Point,a nd all she can really do is type stuff. They were going to let her go and take me. I felt bad though. but she was retired and she was just using this job as "Atlantic City money",so the bosses said. She had a husband w a good pension, enough money to own 2 houses.... I can't blame her for begging for it though.

So I didn't do anything wrong. The woman was tipped off somehow that I was her replacement (I worked days she didn't work), but there were traces of me, not to mention a new login on her computer with my name. She knew. She begged. She got it. The VP apparently when he called the recruiter said that it took him a few hours to make the call because he felt so guilty and horrible. She said the VPs voice was very telling of this. His voice was very sorrowful, and not the usual fabulousness he normally spoke with. *sigh*

I couldn't believe that happened. I wished that this job would save me. I'm running out of money and have noone left to help me. Only my dad could ever help me. Noone else has money , and even if they do, why would they help ME? After I hung up the phone I sat on some rocks in front of my house and the world went silent. No birds, no people, no construction, no background noise, no waves from the ocean. I heard nothing. I probably zoned out. It was just this eerie weird silence Ih ave never heard before.

I think I lost. I don't know what to do now. I just feel nauseous and numb right now. I know the money is low. I don't know how much further I can go. Please pray for me. and I'm not religious. I really don't know what else to DO.

"Although we've come to the end of the road"

I really hope this isn't my swan song, but I definitely am starting to feel like it is. I've been unemployed for 3 years. I have survived working one low paying, shitty temp job after another. Losing my dignity and every ounce of self worth along the way. I have been treated like the help. Like a slave from the days of Gone with the Wind. I lost my identity. I was no longer me. I was "the temp". I didn't have a name. I didn't have a story. I didn't have a life. I was just a dispensible thing brought in to do a company's dirty work, and then cast aside when they were done w/ me.

My unemployment has exhausted. I won't be eligible for another year again. My father's pension is all that is keeping me going. Thankfully he left it to me. It wasn't much though. I have had nothing but huge gaps between temp jobs. I've worked less in 2011 so far than I ever have. I am running low on money. I have nowhere to go and noone to turn to. I know if I go broke, I'm gona live in the back seat of my car, which I still owe like $1,600 on, so assuming I can work enough to even legally OWN the car.

Last night after I got the news that I wasn't chosen for 2 temp jobs I interviewed for, I looked around at all the things in my apt. I felt like I should start packing. I honestly felt like my days were numbered. I only have enough money to pay the rent thru July. I havne't worked at all this month. It doesn't look like I'll be working next week either. I kinda laughed at the thought of packing though because I have no where to bring my stuff to! If I leave, I would have to just abandon my apt and all my furniture. I will ask someone if they can hold my big screen tv and my flute and piccolo and my important docs. But as far as myself I don't know WHERE I'm gonna go. Noone has room. I am looking at prices on tents today. At least I could sleep stretched out as opposed to in a tight fetal position inthe back seat of my car. I'm too tall to lay down in the car. I have a down comforter for winter, although I hope if I lose m y home I will have gotten a job or placed somewhere before next winter.

I know if I get placed, I'd probably end up in a bed bug ridden roach motel in the hood. I kind of would prefer my car or a tent than anyplace w/ bed bugs! I have no kids though so I don't know who will help me, if anyone will. I am going to go to social services next week and ask abotu my options if I run out of money. I always worried about this, but as my $ drops more and more its becoming more of a reality. I walked up the coast yesterday and appreciated how lucky I've been to live onthe beach. It made me sad to realize that I may have to leave,and have no idea where the HELL I'm gonna go next. I really hoped I'd find work. I had no problem getting temp jobs, but now even those are getting harder and harder to get. I interviewed for a marketing job 3wks ago that pays decently but still have no heard and answer. The recruiter keeps telling me they are gonna make a decision "tomorrow". That was weeks ago. I don't think it's gonna happen. That is my miracle. If I gt that job, I can rebound from this. If Idon't, I'm back to working shitty temp job to shitty temp job and my stress levels will remain on high alert. I'm pretty much in emergency mode now. I'm looking for tents online for god sake! I never thought I'd be homeless. I never thought this would be my life. Now I'm looking it right in the face but I'll fight to the end before I abandon my stuff and set up my new life in the great outdoors/or my car if I can pay it off. I just wish I had someone who could help me. =/

If its the end of the road, I walk it alone. Here goes nothing.

Osama is dead!! Sorry, Will and Kate

Last night, I turned off the tv and lit candles just to reflect on life. On whats coming up. To think of a plan to prevent certain things from happening etc. It helped and I relaxed a little bit. Then I went on Twitter on my phone and saw everyone talking about this "mysterious" address by President Obama any minute. I had no idea what it could be about. I guess part of me hoped it was good news on the economy/job front, but that could never be something that would happen immediately. I decided to watch CNN to see what this "mysterious" address would be about.

The broadcast was delayed a few times, and all the reporters were speculating that it was about them finding Osama bin Laden and killing him. I was a little disappointed for a second, bc again I realy wanted good news about the job situation =/ , but realistically, that isn't gonna happen. So I watched on to see what he said.

Indeed, Osama bin Laden, founder of Al Qaeda, orchestrator of the September 11th Twin Towers attacks was dead. Yay! Good riddance! I don't think they should've killed him just yet but maybe he had one of his rifles that most of those terrorists seem to always have with them at all times, and it was either kill or be killed. I still think they shouldve taken his ass alive, and put him in a cage at ground zero so the people can torment him, spit on him, probably shoot him lol, and other things, then try him and execute his ratty ass. But they did what they did. They say he was in a "mansion" in Pakistan, but then I'm hearing it was a compound. I saw some footage on BBC and it looks like a compound. I don't really assoicate Pakistan w/ opulance.

Of course, his little minions will probably go on a bomb spree against the United States (I'm glad I don't live in NYC anymore!!!) to retaliate, but obviously you know this is gonna happen.

This over eclipses the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton though. But maybe they will like the diversion. It was a nice wedding. I watched a few of the Royal weddings but this one was watched on an HDTV big screen tv (probably the smartest purchases Ive made in the last few years). It was awesome in Hi Def.

Will and Kate are going to move to the island of Anglesea in Wales where he will work as a helicopter, search and rescue pilot for 2 more years. No doubt Kate will pop out a baby while up there. What else is she gonna do? It's all good in the world. Well if you're in the Royal Family of England it is.

For me, things aren't going too good. I'm almost broke. I'm living off of savings from my fathers pesion that I was beneficiary of. Thank god he left it to me. Otherwise I don't think I couldve made it. My UE is done. I'll be re-elligable in a year I think. And I'm working one low paying temp job after another. I've had 2wk or so gaps between jobs, making me have to pull from savings. I have very little left. I interviewed for a Marketing job last week and am hoping I get it. It was pretty much exactly what I used to do before. I 'm definitely qualified to do it, but it depends how the other people did I guess. No answer yet. I hope they give me one soon. I really do need to work this week. I was offered a long term data entry temp job. I really hate data entry. Its so tedious and exhausting and it makes you want to bang your head against the wall. But if I dont' get the marketing job, I will have to do it. Noone really jumps at data entry jobs, not even in the temp world. And understandably so. Its really for us desperate fools to do. Because we will do anything to keep a roof over our heads.

I still owe $1645 on my car. I do have the money to pay it off but I'm afraid to. What if I don't work this month and I can't pay June's rent? So I'm gonna have to drag it on. Hoping I can hold on til its paid off. My car payment is so expensive! I can also live on less income once the car is paid (providing it doesn't crap out on me, but its 5yrs old and its a Toyota so I'm hoping it'll go the distance). I put alot of maintenence work into it when I had extra money to prevent issues down the road. Just got a tune up and all the other shti on the engine cleaned up and tweaked. I need tires but thaqt'll have to wait a while. Thats not a powertrain issue. I think June will be my last car payment.

But yeah, I'm almost broke. I really really hope I don't actually hit rock bottom but I'm so close. I need a job. DESPERATELY. I hope I get some good news soon. Otherwise I better buy a tent cuz its safer than the homeless shelter and more spacious than the back seat of my car. =/ I will look into pricing them very soon.

Carnegie Hall / James Galway Performance

Tonight was definitely another memorable moment in my life. I got to go to Carnegie Hall tonight to see Sir James Galway , probably one of the greatest flute virtuosos of all time! I am also a flute player, and I really admire him, and wish I could play even half as good as him. I found out about this show by accident though.

One night, I couldn't sleep, pissed off about some drama going on w/ my father's estate, his bank, my bank, his pension, etc. So I was looking up random stuff that came into my head. I happened to watch a performance of Clair de Lune, by James Galway, and then I just looked him up in general to see what interesting things I could read about him. The Carnegie Hall website came up among the results, but didn't say he was playing. I got side tracked and wondered who was playing at Carnegie Hall. I never went there and was curious if anyone I knew of would be there since I have a little extra money these past 2 weeks.

Ironically enough, James Galway was playing this Saturday (March 12, 2011)!! I really didn't want to go so soon though. There was something else I could've done that day, but I thought about it for a whole 5 seconds (I'm very impulsive), and after looking on Galway's website, and seeing he'd be touring the world after this and wouldn't be back around here til.... well his calendar doesn't go that far out, I decided to buy a ticket.

There were discounted seats in the Parquet (what Carnegie Hall calls the "orchestra") but I hate being there. I like box seats. I'm a diva who always [tries to, at least]get what she wants. ,but there was NOTHING in the first two tiers on the side of the stage, where I like to sit when I go to concerts. Any concerts. My bank issue w/ my dad's estate thing was still going on, so I couldn't even buy the damn ticket for 3 days after. I had to WAIT, and I don't wait. *stamps foot*. If I want something, Iwant it NOW! I will go to great legnths to get it now. I let it go for this. On the third day, a seat opened up in the first tier right on the side of the stage. It was more expensive and had no discount. I got it anyway. Glad I did. I had such a great view.

So the day of the performance comes. Of course I sleep all day. I guess I needed it. All I really did was get up, shower, cook, watch a little tv, and it was time to go. I deposited my shitty little paycheck and jumped on the train at a station that is a little safer than the one I usually go to (which is closer by 1 minute). Big Mistake. I made it to the train with moments to spare. What did you expect? I'm a procrastinator! The train was late too. Whew. Got on and the trip felt like it took FOREVER! I had my iPod on but I'm really not a fan of long trips in general. I'm too fidgety and I hate sitting still.

Needless to say, I arrived in New York early. I decided to walk to Carnegie Hall. People thought I was crazy. I needed the exercise. Then I side tracked from the 25 block walk and walked 3 extra avenues east, and the same 3 back, making my walk about 50 city blocks (equiv.). No biggie. I have done that before when I lived in NY. I havent' walked alot lately due to temping and me running myself ragged handling my dad's estate, so such a long walk definitely killed my feet. I brought flats w/ me and changed into heels at Carnegie Hall.

I walked up there, got my ticket at Will Call. They told me to go to the museum. I really just had to pee and wanted to do it in a CLEAN bathroom. I figured Carnegie Hall would be clean. They really wanted me to go to the damn museum, so I did. Cool stuff in there. Autographs, instruments, programs, ticket stubs. Then I found the bathroom (clean!) and went to my box. Damn, Carnegie Hall is so nice! Its not big at all, but its very ornate and makes you feel like you were in the era when it was built. I have pictures of the venue, and Sir James here:
by Gitana621

After the show, I wanted to go to Bamn! It's an Automat that was on Food Network. Automats were popular in the 50s and Bamn was supposed to be a new age automat with real food and a real chef with tiny portions of different food. I wanted to try their famous mac and chese croquettes. I went down to where it was, walked up and down the avenues and NADA. I asked one of the many drunk college kids in the area (it's near NYU, and arent NYU kids supposed to be SMART?!), and they said they think Bamn was shut down. I wasted $5 on the metrocard ride, so I bought a slice of pizza and took it back to 34th street where I ate my cold slice on a bench in front of Macys (the REAL Macys in Herald Sq), not the bullshit one at your local mall. I heard about fires in my town again and tried to get ahold of people hoping it wasn't my house that caught fire. FInally my neighbor got back to me.

In Penn station, my train home was supposed to be at 1am. I realized today was daylight savings time and you move the clocks forward. So did that mean my train was coming at 12? Because 12 would really be 1... Dunno. The cop there said just get on whatever train you can. Because the 1am train was the last one and I don't have a place to crash in NYC anymore since one person moved away and the other passed away =( , I HAD to get back to NJ. Got on the 12am train. It didn't go all the way to my stop. Every other train goes past Long Branch. This train didn't go further than that. I was gonna wait for the original train, but I was getting bored and impatient (really? me?! haha) and was pretty sure I'd just get a cab to the station where my car was (near home). I live near 2 stations and one is shady at night, so I went to the other one. I got a cab with another dude who was going to the same station, who also didn't want to wait for the next train, an hour later. We talked in the cab, but it was hard to cuz the driver was on his cell phone speaking Pakistani or whatever since over there it was like 2pm.

Finally got home and I wanted to write this now, before I lost my motivation, as I tend to do, after I sleep. My night didn't end how I expected it to, but I'm glad I popped my Carnegie cherry and got to see James Galway. I definitely want to see him again. Hopefully if he is a soloist with a symphony or something. I hate going to NYC from the Jersey Shore. I'm doing it one more time next month for my friend's bday, but I will make sure I park my car in Long Branch. I would def go back to Carnegie Hall, especially to see them perform some Shostakovich stuff (one of my 2 fave composers). But we'll see. This trip was such a hassle. I wish it wasn't. lol

Check out my video of clips of Sir James Galway.

Anthony Bourdain

Reserved for the blog I still haven't written, but need to. I just want everything to be in the correct order. I'll be back!

$488/mo Commute to be a ...........

So today I get a call from a rectruiter in Philadelphia. At first I figured she was gonna try to get me to commute to Philly to work (not gona work on what I'm making, and the fact that my car has about 115,000 miles on it (ven thought its not old!)), but i asnwered her call and she said she found my resume on [Well known Job Site] and wanted to submit me to a receptionist job in NY.

Knowing what receptionists get paid, I was cautious, but asked the salary anyway. It was $10=15/hr. I told her $10 is out of the question, as my commute will cost $488 a month without a metrocard. Even $15 may not be enough, since thats pretty much the bare minimum I can live on, but once you add hte almost $500 commute to NYC, plus an 80 something dollar monthly metrocard, it'd be stupid to go up there to work. I did say if it were a higher level job, along the lines of what I used to do - Mortgages, Finance and Marketing that paid sig. higher, I'd consider it. But I think its a no go. Too bad. Another friend asked me the same thing today but I'm waiting to hear details from her. Spending 3h commuting to NYC everyday, although drastic, would be a reality if I was really gonna make money that I just couldn't make here. Unfortunatelyl, noone wants to pay any kind of good salary. I'm better off as a temp here doing my tedious, back intensive work. Well see what happens.

I don't want to be a receptionist but.. I have a feeling if I EVER get a job again, it's gonna be smething along those lines, since mid level jobs and 40K plus salaries are now a thing of the past.

In the meantime, I am enjoying some Chicken teriyaki I got from Osaka. Mmmmmm. Then rest time. i'm going to Carnegie Hall on Sat to see Sir James Galway (famous flute virtuoso). Should be exciting.

I'll have to try to write a blog about my first time in Carnegie Hall.

Un Fuerte Applauso Para Ti

Last night I had to play piccolo with the band. I didn't feel like the reharsal was going great because the vents were blowing cold air on us the whole night and it was so hard to tune. If you're not a musician you probably don't even know what I mean. Whatever. Not relevant. Anyway, the director made us play the Stars & Stripes Forever at the end. I was like "ughhhhh". Anyway I figured I need to start playing it publically by myself to get ready for the May 7th show. I did it. It was decent. I'd be happy if I played it that way in the concert. When I was done, because I made 3 mistakes (small ones but still), I just looked at the director, waiting for the verdict. I had no idea if he was gonna be critical, or tell me it was ok. Sometimes he's hard to read. Then everyone in the band applauded. I was SO SHOCKED. Noone ever did that before. I just wanted to write this, not to brag, but to add this to my list of memorable moments in life lol. I still can't get over that they applauded...in rehearsal no less. Wow. It definitely closed the day in a good way though. I hope I do just as well in the concert! *fingers crossed*