Culinary Discoveries: Post-Mother

I think in alot of households, you learn to cook from your mother (although nowadays its not so common. People order out or eat oversalted tv dinners). Your mothers favorite dishes become yours in your adult/family life. I have to say that for me, that sooooo wasn't the case!

To start with the photo at the top, Filet Mignon in a cherry-cabernet reduction sauce is definitely something that is higher on the culinary challenges than boiling pasta, and dumping a jar of ragu on top of it. That is the next venture that I am going to try to cook. I wanted to compare and contrast some things that my mother made, to the things I make now that are soooo different.

This steak above, is just a regular store bought steak. Possibly a small London Broil seasoned with salt pepper, and garlic powder. Yeah it tastes good. But... something was missing. Perhaps FLAVOR! Also my mother made everything well done. I hadn't discovered RARE meat (lamb/steak) until I was in my early 20s going to the Columbia University Hospital Christmas Party with my friends' mom every year when I ate my first bloody piece of filet mignon. My mouth watered like the carnivore that I am, and it was love at first taste. I never cooked a piece of meat well done again! I didnt know what I was missing all those years! So many juicy flavors! Mmmmm I'm getting hungry just thinking about this.

Here are some other comparisons from my childhood meals in the 1980s NJ, compared with my favorite meals that I cook NOW in 2010-2011.

[Food] [Why]

Ramen Noodles Cheap

[My version/substitute]

Kraft Cheese and Macaroni. Its still cheap but tastes better. Plus you can combine it w/ any left over meat, add bbq, sweet and sour sauce or eat with pigs ina blanket (a fave of mine if I'm looking for a super cheap meal)

[Food] [Why]

Hotdogs Cheap and they have protein

[My Version]

Miso glazed chicken drumsticks. Get a light miso, season, throw in toaster oven or broiler. Done in 15min. MUCH better tasting than hotdogs and more high end..

[Food]

Spaghetti with Franceso Rinaldi Sauce Straight outta the jar over it.

[Why]

Cheap and easy to make. The sauce is supposedly seasoned already. It claims it is but...eh

[My Version]

Linguini (flat pasta picks up sauce more) with Amatriciana sauce. I found out about this sauce on the show "No Reservations" with Anthony Bourdain. I fucking love that man!!! OMG I won tickets to see him on Feb 10th too! I can't wait! He's so funny. He's a chef, who travels and talks about whatever during his travel in the country he's in. If you don't watch it, DO IT! Its on Monday nights at 10 on the Travel Channel. Amatriciana sauce, as I got from the episode (and added tweaks of my own) is Vodka sauce (preferably a higher grade one. They taste better!), 4 tablespoons of olive oil in a pan, a whole bulb (may not be for everyone but I'm accustomed to indian level spice by now) of garlic, minced, sauteed in the olive oil, oregano, basil, pepper, sea salt, onion powder, crushed red pepper for SPICE, if you're a spice lover like me, and sundried tomatos. Combine all that in a pan and cook. Add about 1/2 cup of a dry sherry (with a woody tone). When you are done, mix in fresh parsley, or sprinkle it on top of your dish. I also add chicken to this and sautee the chicken in the garlic and olive oil first, then add everything else. Plain pasta with Franceso Rinaldi sauce is so boring and bland compared to the foods I've eaten since those days. My amatriciana sauce is the best. I think its suppsed to be made with anchoivies but I dont like fish so i omitted them and added garlic.

[Food] [Why]

Shake n Bake Pork Chops Easy to make. shake in a bag and throw in oven.

[My Version]

12 different spices to form a dry rub- salt, pepper, oregano,paprika, seasoning salt, parsley, cajun seasoning, crushed red pepper, caeynne pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, cumin. Mix all togethber in a dry bin and rub the spice onto a wet piece of meat. Cook wrapped in tin foil slowly at 250deg and you'll have a nice juicy flavorful (shake and bake with 75xmore flavor than the real shake and bake.

I'm getting tired so lemme just do some another way....

She made chicken parmigiana. I basically make it the same way. No change, except I garnish my plate before I sit down to eat because I am artisitcally inclined and would like to present my food welll. I genereally dont eat sauce on the pasta since I'm kind of over with sauce. As long as the parm has sauce on it, I'm good. I salt the pasta with sea salt in the pot which gives it a nice zing.

Pork Roast. My mother used to just put that honey/soy marinade on it and cook it. It was good. I can make that too, altho I use vietnamese light soy and more honey to balance the acidity of the flavors.

I also put hoisin and sake (rice wine) you can ge it at the liquor store and bake it and it gives it a chinese spareib taste with a twist.

Another thing I can do is make a soy, sherry ginger and cinnemon marinade with chives and shallots, marinade it, bake it on low temp and have an exotic south asian (thai vietnamese or indonesian) flavor to the roast.

Hamburgers. She would cook them in a greasy pan. Sean with Garlic/onion powder and pop em on our plate. I make them on the grill season with the same (since garlic falls off), cook em mediumrare, put honey smokehouse from jack daniels sauce on them, toast the bun and serve. All my friends loved them.

Meatloaf. Not a fan. Never was. Someting about meatlof makes me nauseous. I prefer to get a whole chicken and season it with lemon pepper seasonings, cook it then serve with lipton herb and butter rice. I dont know how to make that stuff but its great.

Noodle Roni. That is made from Rice A Roni, just for pasta. You add milk and margerine to a packet of powder and pasta and it becomes a meal. For those I would just say I can make 3 different sauces on my own for you.

Carbonara Sauce - Margerine, chicken stock, flour, garlic, 2 thin chicken cutlets, add heavy cream, 1/2 cup of grated parmesean cheese, pepper, fresh parsley. You get a much more high end result and it is restaurant grade.

Basil Cream Garlic Sauce- Margerine, garlic, 1/2cheese, heavy cream, bunches of basil leaves depending how much flavor you want. i like alot. simmer and serve

Alfredo Sauce - heavy cream, half stick of butter, one raw egg, mixed in1/2cheese or less to get thickness you want. Parsley to garnish.

That's all I can think of. But the way we cook is very different. I notice alot of people feed their kids a hotdog, and peas and carrots, or a pb&j sandwich, or some cereal. Sometimes chicken lightly seasoned or marinaded in italian dressing. I do know people personally around my age who love to cook and it shows, since they are performing more upscale dishes than the typical person. If I ever get to have kids, my kids are gonna hate eating over their friends houses cuz I'm so accustomed to this type of cooking (thanks Top Chef!) and the fact that culinary arts has become one of my hobbies and I enjoy creating new dishes. They are probaly not gonna wanna eat anything at their friends houses. So be it though. You only live once. The way things are going economic wise, terrorist wise, and astronomically wise, who knows how much longer we'll have left. Just live like each day is your last! Get some change into your diet.

KGB is stalking me ♪♫

I am so glad I live in a country that allows the freedom of speech. If I were in the old Communist Russia, somebody would've come lookin' for me, and I would've disappeared in the middle of the night, never to be head from again, where I'd likely be shot execution style in a black sedan with blacked out windows, or thrown in some gulag to rot and die.



About every 3 months, congress threatens to stop unemployment. Every time it puts us on edge about how we are going to make ends meet. They stopped extensions a few months ago. I watched a friend lose her home and move out of state where she knows noone because she had no other choice. Another friend is thinking of doing the same. I know I could be next. Except I wouldn't move. Where the hell am I gonna go??? I said I'd stay here til the bitter end. I still have some fight left in me. I worked too hard to get to the shore and i'm not leaving without a fight. Though I'm generally considered a failure to my other working, young professional friends, who are living in (it seems) the lap of luxury, shopping, new cars, exotic vacays, buying houses, remodeling kitchens (seems like every single person is doing this!!!!!) getting married, investing in stocks and so on...., I have to keep on trucking with my loser self and survive. Its easier to be around people who don't have as much money, and I can say "I'm broke" without being looked down on. I was doing ok for a while, but I'm about to dip into poverty once again. I did in June, and again in Sept.



Congress reinstated the UE benefits but now is talking of lowering NJ's UE payout because its "too high" and doesnt give incentive for people to get back to work. For this, I must rant...

There are not enough JOBS for the 10% of this population to get back to work. So punishing everyone else just because a small few sit home and collect and dont look for work is not fair. There is no way every single person, or even an acceptable portion of them will return to work. Where are they gonna work? Who is hiring?And I speak from experience that when you apply to a low level, unskilled job, you most likely will not get called. Some of those jobs wouldn't even pay the bills anyway. Sometimes you may be better off on UE waiting for a job that will cover the expenses. If you can meet all your expenses on UE, and a job calls you wanting to pay you half of the UE, and you know you'll lose your home if you take it, um.....what would most people do? WAIT for something else! I mean if you have UE. If you don't, you have to take it and hope Burger King will hire you for the night shift. I can't even get a min. wage job either! I've applied at every place around here. No callbacks. None whatsoever.

I am sickened that people are always trying to punish the unemployed. Using threats to get them back to work. They dont want to borrow from the federal government anymore to fund UE, but when the UE'd people reach the end of the line, they will apply for welfare, housing assistance, section 8, medicaid and other assistance programs. Someone will need to pay to house these people who can't pay their rent/mortgage anymore. Someone will need to put them in shelters, hotels, affordable housing. Someone will need to feed these people. Someone will need to foot the bills for the kids to get vaccinated and see Drs. Someone will have to pay for training programs to get these people jobs (which don't exist anyway). Who will be paying for that if NJ exhausted its money? THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.



I have temped during this time and I have met many temps who have told me they lost everything. Their home, their car, their children. Have no credit. Bankrupt. Sleeping on a friend's couch until the friend gets tired of them there. Can't even afford to keep a car on the road (insurance/gas) to look for a job. So many people have these stories. I know I could be one of those people. I have tried to work as much as I could, doing the shittiest of the shitty jobs you can think of. I've been treated like an idiot. Like I had no capacity to do anything but rip paper, or file. I've lost my dignity. Why? To survive! The last thing I want now is for congress to pull the rug out from under me and punish me for not finding a real job by cutting my UE down in size. I dont know what my new UE will be in Aug. Iread an article today that says that it is now 2/3 of the previous income (which in my case was low paying temp jobs). Before it was 60%. So it should be slightly higher. I was worried my new UE would be too low to live. It may be. I wasn't able to score a temp job over $14/hr this year. Last year I did. It just seems like theres never any rest if you're unemployed. You are always left to worry every few months, while you see people around you prospering and succeeding. I can't seem to get past that though. I hate watching my friends succeed while I fail. But there's no hope. I used to be successful too. Used to be.



The next 2 months will be very tense ones as I await my fate of my new UE payout in April, and to see if I get an extension to cover me from Feb 9 when my UE runs out til April when my new claim starts up (since I worked I get a new claim). And congress will probably throw in a few more attempts to stop UE or cut it down I'm sure. This country is going to hell. I dont' know how we're gonna get out of this. I refuse to live this way. I want to live comfortably. I want to work. I'll work my ass off. I'm not lazy. As long as I'm bringing home $, and I can survive on it, I'll do whatever it takes. Becoming a nurse will take YEARS since Unemployment blocked me from taking too many classes at a time. I'm no longer allowed to go full time. Even at night. I feel like they are trapping me in the system. They want me off UE, but every time I think of a way to gET off, they block me from doing it. I'll be on for a while. I dont plan to stop working. They have to pay me UE as long as I work. Its cheaper to let me have my way. Its your loss though, Uncle Sam. Your loss.




In other news...
I had a good Xmas. First xmas I didn't spend alone!!! Yay! Hung out w/ one friend on Xmas Eve, and 2 more on Xmas day. The day after xmas wasn't so great.

There was a huge snowstorm that dumped 3 feet of snow onto the Jersey Shore (I'm not exaggerating). From Dec 26, 2010, to Dec 31, 2010, I was stuck in my apt. Unable to go anywhere. My apt is small. I hate being locked up in small spaces. Day 2 I was able to hop down the street in crotch high snow to the end of the block to see if that street was plowed, and hop back. It sucked all the energy out of me.


This is my car on the second night of snow imprisonment. I am walking on frozen snow in the middle of my street, and looking down at my car which is burried up to the windows almost. My car is high off the ground compared to most cars.

Below is my street, looking back towards my house from my car. 3ft of snow in the street.



On New Years Eve the plow finally came through. Our township (Neptune) probably couldn't plow us out because they cut costs and couldn't pay people to do it. Our mayor repeatedly said on the website that plows would be thru the town by the morning. Every morning there was nothing. We had plows come from Maryland to get us out. My town was on the news for its pathetic snow clearing plan. Neptune itself is kinda ghetto and thats why I'm not surprised. My portion, is actually a part of Neptune but is not ghetto.
My message to you!

Once again, glad I'm not in communist Russia. Or someone'd be knockin on my door tonight and I'd never be heard from again. My blog is becoming commonplace for anti-government rants.

Congress Stops Unemployment

So, once again, Congress denied Unemployment Benefits, as they do 2 or 3 times a year. Causing severe anxiety to unemployed workers wondering how they're going to pay their rent/mortgage, feed themselves and their families, and dare I say it... pay a bill or two. Maybe even a cell phone so they can get calls and make calls about JOBS. Well alot of people in the next coming weeks will be at the Department of Social Services applying for Welfare.

If you didn't know, Welfare for a single person with no kids is $140 a month. Not a week, but a month. What the hell are you gonna do with that? I guess that may be just enough to pay a cell phone and put some gas in your car. Anything else you need? Well you're shit out of luck.

How will these people eat and get medical care? They will be on Food Stamps and Medicaid, which is GOVERNMENT FUNDED. Welfare is also Government funded. So is housing assistance, which will be paying for shelter for those with children and a few lucky single people.

So if your arguement is to say that you're reducing the national debt, you're wrong. You're just moving it elsewhere. Yeah, its a lower rate than what the people were getting on Unemployment, but all the billions of dollars from unemployment checks that people were spending on gas, and groceries, clothes, lunch at the corner cafe will be gone. Those people who are now on welfare, waiting to get on welfare, or who don't qualify but are still not getting enough money will not spend anything because they can't. So watch the corner cafe go out of business, supermarkets cut staff's hours because they're not bringing in enough money to pay them because of a record amt of people on food stamps. Its all a downward spiral.


They think that if you extend UE, we won't look for work. I still will. I want to make money. I want to live comfortably. I'll do whatever I neeed to do to enjoy life, and collecting UE doesn't cut it. I draw from other incomes to be able to socialize, go on trips, or get takeout some nights after class lets out. Not everyone is so lucky , or as driven as I am.

Something tells me that if you had a $50,000 job, and now you collect $300/week on unemployment when you used to make , oh lets say $800/wk before, that you're gonna do everything you can to make more than your UE is for.

But you're forgetting one statistic, that there aren't enough jobs in EXISTANCE to accomodate the 10% of the population who are unemployed. If UE is cut, we all just won't scurry around and get a job. There won't be enough. I get asked all the time "why don't you just get a job?!" Well bitch, its because there aren't any! I apply to entry level shit jobs on a regular basis. I get no callbacks. If I do, I get rejected because I'm overqualified. All I've done is temp. Thats all I can find. Some people can't find that. Its just htat I've basically become a career temp now (as much as I hate to say that) and I have connections. Even with those connections, I haven't 'temped in almost a month. I've been calling and calling, and noone has work. Any real jobs I apply for are a lower level position, which Unemployent tells me I have to apply to, and I do, but I get rejected. At this point I would work a low level job. I know whatever I end up doing will be comprable to what I did when I was 20yrs old, with no experience when I moved to NYC. But will anyone hire me knowing that if something higher paying comes along I'll jump at it? No, I don't tell them that, but they know. We'd all do that. Why would you work for $20k, when you used to work for $50k?

All the people who tell me to just "get a job" as if they're out there dangling on trees, and to Congress who think we're all a bunch of people leeching off the Government, just remember....

I'll say what I've been saying for years. End the war in Afghanistan. (What the hell are we fighting for, again?!) Use the money you're spending on the war to extend Unemployment. Let those people take care of their own. If you didn't find Bin Laden yet, you ain't gonna find him any time soon!

STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEMS AND CONCENTRATE ON OUR OWN! We can't afford to 'help' other countries. We need to help ourselves right now! Accept it, and take action!

End Rant -

Life AFTER Joe

So as some of you know, my father, who I just called 'Joe' (we weren't a typical family to say the least) passed away after 4 yr battle with complications from lung cancer.

He did survive the lung cancer, but his health declined, and he was in and out of the hospital non stop for respitory issues. His lungs gave out on November 10, 2010 around 2pm ish. My cousin and I didn't make it to the hospital in time.

This isnt' a tribute. I'll do one later once all this bullshit is finished, but I just wanted to rant actually.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy planning a funeral at age 30. Even though age 30 is when alot of your parents start to die. I had NO idea where to start, what to do, where to go, what was needed from his papers and from me. I asked some friends who have been thru it before and they gave me good advice. But unfortunately they didnt know enought to guide me thru the whole process....which has been rather exhausting.

My family are usless, except for about 7 cousins , but they're not offering to help. My uncle (bible toter clan) and aunt are great for making demands that a priest come and all that, but they dont want to pay for it.........figures. Then The funeral home gave me the cost breakdown , and it was $2000 more than what his life insurance covered. And we didnt have a wake! So I said "no deal." Well have to cremeate him then and I'll decide what happens cuz Id ont have that kind of money. A few hours later he called back and offered me another breakdown of costs where my portion was $200. Much better, asshole!

The funeral itself went off without a problem. I got his millitary papers faxed tot he right department so he could have the millitary funeral/salute/gunfire/and flag ceremony,which occupied the time. Usually they have a priest doing ...whatever he does. Teh bible toters said they now wanted THEIR priest (who was dressed like a monk) to do it but they had no money. Grrrrr............... of-course-they-did-nt! >=/

So I reached into my own wallet to pull out money for the priest I didn't even want. THEY wanted him. They can't cope w/ him not getting the catholic blessings or whatever. I wasn't happy after that one. But family does that. At least mine does. Now you know why I don't spend holidays with them. It gets worse but we won't go there now!

So after the funeral, I have been waiting for the death certificate which I was told was gona be ''in the mail'' by the funeral director. A week passed, nothing. Another week, I called. They said they're working on getting it to me soon. I let it slide cuz I had a nother week or two. Then last week I called agian. THey said they wanted my uncle to have his first since he is the life insurance beneficiary. MEANING if the uncle doesn't get his certificate, the funeral home doesn't get paid. OH NO....we wouldn't want that, would we? =( *roll eyes*, So I restated that all my dad's t hings are HERE in NJ. and I am here in NJ. And I am the one who has to empty storage, which is definitey a challenge , and his apartment, which I have to see what shape the gold digger left it in. I'm sure she didn't clean it. She probalby just grabbed her shit and ran.

The cable company wont stopcharging him til they get the cable box, modem and phone stuff out cuz it belongs to them , and when i went into the rental office, the girl told me that unless my name is listed as "in case of emergency" on the lease, i have no power and can't get in. Only the name listed can get in. That is my bibletoting uncle who will not come down here. He's old nad not ablebodied to empty out a house full o furniture. I'm semi able bodied, nad I know I can do it, but I'll be so sore I probably wont be able to MOVE the next two days, but i'll plan for that in my schedule.

I asked the girl how I can get a death certificate. She tells me to go to New Burnswick's Admin building. Then another girl said NO, go to oldbridge municipal offices and get the cert there, but they are $10 ea and you'll need between 10 and 20 of them. UGhhhhhhhh thats alot of money and I haven't temped in weeks! The other girl says I have to go to New Brunswick and ask for power of attorney of the judge. I have to bring the death cert w/ me. Now I'm sure this will not go smoothly as noone answered the phone there this afternoon so i can verify what exactly I need to bring with me. I'm gonna bring his whole briefcase w/ papers and all my papers I can think of.

Problem is, i can't get the death cert without MY birth cert! I had 4 copies here. 2 in my hiding spot, and 2 were in his briefcase. I saw them several times. Tonight NONE of them were there. I looked like 6 or 7 times in each place, tore apart the area under my breakfast bar, looked in the tool box and storage tub and NOTHING. Not one birth certificate. Soooooo I basically have to go to New Brunswick to get my BC,then go back to Old Bridge to get a fw of his Death Certs, then go back to Court in New Brunswick and ask the judge if they willl give me power of attorney. (they could say no), if they do, and i have the papers, THEN I can finally start closing things out. I snuck into storage this afternon to get some of that going. I dont need these people telling me i cna't be in there when alot of the stuff instorage is MINE and I had the key all along and I went to storage w/ out him for years. So, being the rebel that I am, I just went in and got to work. Of course the closed off the dumpsters behind fences and locks (wtf?!) and a sign saying "Please do not dump out side of the dumpsters, or a pick up fee will be assessed to your account." Um.....well why don't you OPEN them up so we CAN dispose of things properly??I have about 2hrs worth of work tomorow in storage and then its done. i'll keep the lock and use it for my kayak so I don't have to buy a new one so that'll work. I took whaqtever was mine (threw alot out tho) and my next task is his apartment. I have no idea what state this woman left the apt in. Regardless I'm gonna clean up the mess. If I do, I get $500 of his security. They're gonna pay DEcember's rent out of his security no matter what.

This is where I'm at at this point in time. So far from finished. I also need to know who needs the official cert adn who can just be faxed one. Each official seal is $10. IF I really need $20 that is gonna clean me out and frankly, it'll have to wait til I am able to fit it in my budget. Luckally I have no family to buy Christmas gifts for, but I have bills to pay, and of course mounting medical bills have no end in sight. I hope all the bad stuff w/ me is over for a while until I find a job and health insurance!

I was out all day long tending to whatever I could, then going to school. Tomorrows another day. Gonna do the court system tomorrow even though it loooks like I'm gonna be all over Middlesex County all day long.

One thing that makes me smirk is.... my uncle thinks he's power of attorney because my dad's little letter to the gold digger says so. But theres no will and my uncle doesn't have the letter. So I'm about to become power of attorney. Meaning when his pension payout happens, maybe it wont go to probate. And I can say where it goes. Course my mother will probably be all up in my kool aid trying to get a handout. She needs to go find someone else to give her a handout but she never gets it. I'll give some to my bro. Who I'm sure he will give his money to her, but if hes that stupid, thats not my problem. The other sister that disappeared 16yrs ago, gets nothing. I dont know her. I'm sure she's doing find as someone in the Air Force so...... don't even! If theres enuff left, i'd like to help out a few friends who really are struggling. I cna't give any lavish gifts but maybe i can help. I don't know. And of course theres me...... Same 2 choices. Pay off bills, or stock pile it. Its never an easy decision. I need to temp, or shit........just WORK already so I can pay off the bills and get my credit back up to what it was before all this job loss shit happened. Its fixable. Just need money to fix it.

I wasn't kidding about going to Paris though. I don't speak french, no.... but it's time. If anyone wants to come, i could use the company. But if not, I can do it alone. I will find a way to communicate. Ciao

Clingy, codependent relationships

One thing I really wanted to write about, is another social type issue that I see alot of, and lost some friends to... Clingy, codependent relationships. So I'm sure this blog will defintely offend someone, but too bad. It is what it is. I think basically all my blogs will offend people though.

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As I was looking through various facebook profiles, you can clearly see who they are. When every single profile picture of theirs, is them and their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Every single one. Nothing wrong w/ posting pics of you and your sig other. But when every one on YOUR (note the word "your") profile, which is supposed to be about YOU, is the both of you, maybe you should step back a little and ask if you're being super clingy.

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Does it affect me? Usually, no. I just find it so annoying, just like overly hoity toity people at a country club discussing yesterdays polo match, and how the help ruined their $20,000 Gucci gown by spilling a glass of $500 wine on it while bringing it to your ass on a silver platter. LOL. But in some cases it does. I have lost a few good friends to this since they virtually disappear when they get a bf, and only really see their friends as "backup" when the guy isn't around, or if they've had a fight, or broken up. I don't want to be your '''backup''' friend. Therefore, I really don't make an effort anymore. I spend my time with my friends who want to hang out with me whenever. Not just when their sig other isn't available.

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Lets take one person. We'll call her Miss C. I have noticed that all of Miss C's pictures are of her and her now husband. But the kicker is, she's literally hanging on the poor guy in every picture. I mean she's pretty and shouldn't have self esteem issues I wouldn't think but these pictures really seem to say "My husband is my WORLD". Now dont get me wrong. In a perfect world, I'd' be married by now, with 2 kids, but I could never see myself HANGING on a guy like that, nonstop, unable to detach from his side. I like my independance. I like my space. I like to hang out with the girls too, and its not healthy to spend all your time with one person. Not even if its one friend. If I ever became that clingy, someone please shoot me! But to reiterate, Miss C is either latched on to her hubby's arm , or he has his arm around her (he doesn't seem clingy. Only her). She seems noticibly happier when she's hanging on him. In pics of her and her friends, yeah sh e looks happy, but you can tell in pics w/ him, her self esteem is sky rocketing upwards.

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Miss C seems to be the most extreme case I've seen lately, but there are a few more. I've had a friend blow me of countless times to accomodate her bf. If she has plans w/ me or other friends, she'll just not show up, or not answer the phone if you try to call her. She honestly thinks its ok to blow off your friends for a guy. As if a guy is a good enough reason. I think she doens't 'think its ok to blow off in general. Only if its for a guy. Thats Jr High right there. This friend 'promises' they definitely want to hang out, catch up, have dinner, see a show, etc. Then it never happens. Cuz the bf wants to come that weekend. If that person wants to isolate themselves from everyone (I'm sure she does this to everyone else too), then fine. Just don't bitch and say I never invite you anywhere, I cuz I do. I've made it a point to invite those friends who have since disappeared, so I can see how things are going. I know I don't call people anymore. I just fell out of that habit after some drama that happened personally with someone unrelated and an unrelated topic, but I do try to get together w/ friends as often as I can. Some of them say they feel isolated or whatever, when the fact is, they isolated themselves.

That person lost all her friends. She now has noone but the bf. I barely talk to her anymore. But when I do, she definitely makes it clear that she has noone left but him. She made it that way. She couldve had everyone. But she wanted only one. Noone made them choose. They felt there was only room for one person I guess. I guess I'll never understand that. For me, the more people to hang out with, the better! Whether I'm in a relationship or not.

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Look at Heidi Montag from the Hills. Bad example, I know. But if you watch the show, you will see the progression that when she was with Spencer, she spent all her time with him, and eventually she lost all her friends. All they have is eachother. Heidi's mom said on one episode something like "'If you break up with Spencer, you have noone. No friends left."' Why would you put yourself in a situation like that. Do they think their friends are gonna stick around when you get blown off, or never make the effort to hang out? Probably not.

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What made me write this? Probably being blown off so many times. Trying to figure out why they think its ok. But back to the main problem, the codependancy....

So I read that its usually a rebound, they will rush to get married, then realize they made a mistake. I think one couple is a good match. One is definitely NOT, and the other it seems to be. The one thats not...the girl needs a man at all times. She feels incomplete w/ out a boyfriend. I have a relative like this too. As long as she has a man, she's happy (outwardly anyway, til you hear her bitch about him later on the rare occasions that you talk), it doesn't matter who the guy is, as long as he treats her well and they get along. They settle for anything even tho the guy may hold her back from doing what she likes to do. She becomes what he is. She likes what he likes. Also something I've noticed w/ one of those people mentioned above is that they hardly ever say the word "I" anymore. Its always "we". Obv if you're married/in a relationship there are gonna be alot of "WEs", but when there are nothing but wes?

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Another friend who I didn't think was in a codependant relationship, but she thought she was after it ended, said "I lost my identity. I was always (insert name here) and (my boyfriend). I want to be just (insert name here) now. I think she's done a good job. She has a bf, and is very social, going out w/ all her friends pretty equally it seems. ]

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I couldn't imagine being clingy. They call several times a day (with no good reason). Will sit there and watch you play a video game just to be in the same room as you (when you couldve gone and done something else), and wants to spend every waking moment with you. I'd' get tired of a person if I did that. I def would want to get out and hang w/ friends. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means. But I guess I'm just really independant or something. Im totally fine if my bf wants to hang w/ the guys. If its all the time, its a problem. lol. I've dealt w/ that too, but that relationship is now over. But I WANT someone to hang out w/ their friends. If a guy I was with didnt have friends I would worry. I don't WANT to be the center of someone's world. I don't WANT all of his facebook profile pics to be of me and him (a few is fine). I dont WANT someone calling me 5x a day and being on the phone every free moment of time we have if they're not with me.

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Its really a shame to watch these girls isolate themselves, and god forbid their relationship doesn't work out, they'll be completely alone when its over. But friends shouldn't be used as "'backup" for their bf/hubby's lack of availability. But the problem is happening so much now, that I'm done. I wash my hands w/ those people. I have good friends who can break away from their man, if they have one, or even bring them along occasionally, but they dont have to be home, with their arms clamped around his for dear life 24/7. I see my friends alot. They are available a decent amt of times. I can plan things w/ them. And most importantly , they don't blow me off! That is what sabatoged the friendship for one of them. Maybe if she would've cancelled instead id have more respect for her. But she doesn't do that, so I don't.

They should help themselves though and allow time for friends. Even if I'm not in the picture. Just any friends. I guess dealing with the relative that's like that made me sickened by the whole thing.

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* I wrote this instead of an English paper I was supposed to do. The school wont let me into the system cuz I don't have a barcode. So.....yeah. I'll have to procrastinate and do it tomorrow (the day its due)....once again. Maybe I should do my paper on codependancy. I'll think about it. Its either illegal seal hunts, whale hunts, or that. Whatever has more info. Less work the better! lol

SHOES!

I got my school loan money, sooner than expected, so I've been a good chica and paid all the bills for Oct and am in the process of paying off two credit cards. I have been saying though that I want a new pair of shoes for performances since I usually end up wearing my old pointed toe pumps (out of style but I wore em anyway), or just chunky work shoes. Last round of concerts the sole part that supports your arch broke and the shoes were unwalkable. I have cheap 14 dollar black shoes but they look like they came from WalMart (they did) and they have lil rhinestones on them which don't exactly go with the rest of the look, usually. I do wear them but I got a better version of those too.

The shoe pictured above was reduced in price at Macys and I really like all the straps. I don't mind wearing open toe sandals in the winter since I'll just be going from my car to the venue and back. I really don't mind walking in open toes unless its snowing or something.

I also bought another pair of round toe (in style) black pumps for work/job interviews/nights out. The sandal above could be for nights out too. And the pumps could be for shows. According to our director, we'll be in quite a bit of extra special shows this season. So aside from the mandatory black bottom , white top dress code we have, the only thing you can express your sense of style with are............ the shoes.

Oh plus I'm going to alot of performances in Newark this season too. So the shoes will def come in handy. Now I have to decide whether to buy the parking pass, or just take the train each time. Parking pass is cheaper for NJPAC but alot of shows are in New Brunswick too, which is more affordable to drive to , and to park for free somewhere (in the hood) and walk. If need be, their parking garages cost like $5 compared to Newark's $16.

Who said shoes didnt bring happiness? Or money for that matter? Trying to just pay it out to bills this time since it looks like I'll have income til Feb for sure. The other months that wasn't the case and there were lapses in UE.

Mosque at Ground Zero

To hear the latest scandal du jour in America is amusing. People are now infuriated that they want to build a Mosque and an Islamic Center at/near (Not sure) the World Trade Center (thats what I still call it by habit, but more commonly known as GROUND ZERO).

What's my view on it? I have no problem with it. Not all muslims are terrorists. I think, in my opinion the site was chosen to show the worlds "We're not all like that. Let us show you."

Yes, the Sept. 11th Terrorists were Muslim. But they were brainwashed and believing that america was the devil and when they died, they''d' go to a fucking garden of eden with like 27 virgins or something. Thats like saying all Catholics are sodomising young alter boys.

Go ahead and put it there, if it were up to me. People nowadays get offended by so many things its sickening. They don't like the color of a model's Victoria's Secret panties, they raise hell. "*roll eyes*. Whatever. I would think as we got older people would be more liberal but it''s not really like that, apparently.

Why not worry about something more important than a Mosque........ THE ECONOMY and CREATION OF JOBS!