School Update - if you really care.

Haha, yeah like anyone really gives two shits about school, but it might be cool to read this years later and laugh. I usually do when I read shit I wrote years ago back on Live Journal. So I finished my first semester back at school. I did pretty good. I got all As and Bs and one C. Guess what subject? ALGEBRA! Ha... thats literally the best I can do tho'. I am horrible at math of any kind. In High School, I didn't do so great. But I didn't CARE. I hated school. I was more interested in figure skating, marching band, or the many other music programs I was in. School was just in the way. It was something I had to do, reluctantly. My old phrase I used to always say "Why go to school?! Its not like you get paid to go!" If I were paid I'd def go more! I guess now that its college, I'M paying for it (albeit on loans, I do have to pay them back in 3yrs), so I am more serious. Also, I'm going to school, NOT cuz its the norm and everyone does it, not to fuck around and party (damn, i'm gonna be 30 in 5 months now c'mon!), but to get a new , stable career, since I guess my marketing and finance career paths have hit dead ends. Maybe if the economy didn't crash I'd sitll be in one of those industries, but.. it did, so here I am.

Oh, and I saw on NJN news that the unemployment rate is UP once again. 100,000 new jobless claims were opened. Lovely. Doesn't seem to be looking up anytime soon. I need to switch careers now more than ever!

I am now working at Monmouth University, for a while. Nothing goes too long. I'm there til Jan 29th. Then looking for the next one. I work w/ 18-23yr olds. I'm the oldest one there. Its a minimum wage job. Its a cashier. I'm so embarassed. Its really doing nothing but going towards my yearly $1500 I must make to continue getting unemployemnt (regardless whether I have money in my pool,which I do, I have to make that money). It is also pocket money for moi. I am planning on getting my hair did tomorrow. I am just getting a maintenence cut. Not getting it did for any occasion. That reminds me, I gotta find a pic.

I went to my own school today because I was only able to take 3 classes this semester and I really wanted to take the maximum course load (even tho it will kill me, its worth it in the end). I left my days completely open for working possibilities,but am doubtful I'll find anything. If I do, I don't see it as being that long running. My courses meet more than once a week and its a full schedule, but what am I gonna do during the days? Sleep? Um, no. I don't want to fall into night owl mode again, never seeing the sun. I wanted to add two more courses. Maybe online ones. This way I can do it when I have time. Either days or on Fri or Sun when I'm off. I went to the school and waited for 2hrs to see a counselor to approve my classes and I decided to take music appreciation as my HUMANITIES that is required. There is also a course called humanities too. I'm not exactly sure how music appreciation is a humanties course,but whatever. I figure I go to the symphony all the time anyway. I'm musically educated since age 9, why NOT use it to my advantage? So I did. The problem? I don't know what to do in an online course. Oh and it cost $559!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! Thank god for financial aid but.. I have to pay all this back. Idon't even want to THINK about this now....

Speaking of music.... get a load of this shit ^. WTF is that?! Is that even REAL?! It looks like an entire score on one staff!I don't know how anyone can read that. I think its prob fake, cuz some of the groups of whole notes form shapes on the staff and that just doesn't happen. But regardless I was just drawn to that picture cuz of it's ridiculousness. But I APPRECIATE it. Hence music appreciation I guess. *shrug*

I didn't even get the books yet. The bookstore is only open Mon-Fri 9-5. WTF? What about night students?! Thats not fair! So I haven't gotten any. Working at Monmouth U, I noticed the books there are so exp and some courses ask for more than one book. I really hope mybooks aren't supa expensive. I may ask my dad if he'll pay for them so I can pocket the rest of my financial aid as my safetly umbrella-ella-ella cuz my UE claim renews soon and usually you go a month w/ no income during a renewal. Its really rough. Really. I'm actually stressed about that right now. =/ Last time I almost got evicted when i went that long w/ no income. My fin aid can pay the rent for 3mo if I get what I think I'm gona get back. Let's hope! *crosses fingers*

So I'm gonna start school again next week. Its gonna be a rough semester. Very rough. But I really wanna be done with school. I'm too old to be there and tired of dealing with the immaturity that are 18yr olds making fart noises, and other things kids do.

Also, other happenings in my life are as follows. I apprarenly have 2 cavities. I went to the dentist this summer when I was insured w/ the shitty temp insurance. They didn't see any cavities. Unless these are new, I wish I could yell at those people and thank them for wasting my money. I got tests done at the county clinic (since I'm now back to insurancelessness again) and the dentist accidentally cut my gum open. She sent me home and it got infected. I called to bitch. They wantd to charge me to come back in. I bitched some more and said it was HER fault and I should not be charged. I threatened to come in with or without an appt and MAKE her see me. You can't fuck w/ infections in the mouth. Iv'e had alot of dental work and complications to know that it spreads to the brain very easilly. So 4 days later she sees me. Admits her mistake and gives me amoxicillan...which I forgot to take 3x today. oops! Not use to any medicine regimen.

My dad called me about shop rite's Can Can Sale..........AGAIN! I get this call every year. My dad used to work for the company that owns Shop Rite and he's OBSESSED with Shop Rite (a grocery store in NJ) I think my dad misses working and if it weren't for his heart condition, he'd still BE working. Every year they have a Can Can Sale and its discounted canned food. I think now its other shit besides cans. But in the 80s it was almost all cans. I don't EAT canned food *dons princess crown* but I would get the other non can shit on sale. As a matter of fact, I went to Shop Rite yesterday to fill the Amoxicillan Rx cuz its free there and got ALOT of shit on sale while I was there. I think the Can Can is theonly time I'll shop at Shop Rite. Their meat is too expensive. I'm a big meat eater so...... yeah.

Been doing some work in the ice rink lately, getting my legs n' thighs back into the swing of things. I haven't gone in 8mo and boy does it make a difference. I really wanna jump but I shouldn't w/ no insurance =( but..... hehehe. I was always good w/ jumps and.......yeah. I think we know what happens next. TOE LOOP!!! lol. Not the best spinner. I have to practice those a lil' more.

I lost 9 lbs, but then gained 4 back in 10hrs yesterday. I didn't eat much at all so I'm not sure why i gained 4b ack but I probably am not taking in enough calories. So I decided to eat MORE! Losing weight is so hard. I'm gonna KILL the person who's actions caused me to gain all this weight. UGH! I refuse to be fat forever. Its been 2yrs of fathood already. 2yrs is enough. I want my athletic body back! I sitll have it. Muscles n' all..............under the fat. But noone knows it but me *sings*.

I was gonna write more but my gum hurts. Fucking dentist! I am not a painkiller girl, so I refuse to take anything for the pain. The icecream I ate helped but its worn off. Usually I drink water all day to soothe the pain but its getting close to bedtime and I dont wanna have to get up in the middle of the night to pee so I have to curtail the water intake for now.

Time to go. Jersey Shore is on in 45 min and its a double episode. Plus theres shit on at 11 I wanna see. I don't know if I'll stay up that late (I tiyad) but I'll try.

Gay Marriage Rally - Trenton Jan 4,2009

Normally, I spend my time working mindless, menial, temp jobs since I still have not found a full time, respectable job in this economy, OR I sit at home watching Rachael Ray, Tyra, random documentaries on the History Channel, Design shows on HGTV (which we no longer get cuz Cablevision doesn't carry them anymore *fumes*, but that, myfriends is another blog), and walk a few miles on the cold windy boardwalk. Fun ain't it? My friend suggested I come to this rally to support gay marriage. Why not? I believe in the cause. I hate the government. Sounds like a plan!

My view on gay marriage is as follows:

For those who say marriage's purpose is to produce children, I say, lots of people don't want to have children or can't have children. So if gay marriage is illegal, then I guess those people who can't or wont reproduce shouldn't marry either. Not even 'shouldn't' , they should be banned. That arguement goes out the window. Yes its true only a man and woman can naturally create a child, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about the act of marriage itself. Gay couples are living together, adopting, they're generally (in my experience but I lived in NYC for much of my adult life) accepted by society now, compared to years before. Why not make it legal? Why not allow benefits for a GUY and his HUSBAND? The benefits don't state that the spouse HAS to be of the opposite sex. But hopefully they wont' change that. This is 2010 people! we dont' live in George Washington's time, and we're not all bible toting holy rollers either! And there WERE priests, pastors, reverends and rabbis IN SUPPORT of gay marriage, and some of them were straight. How is it gonna affect YOU personally if Jane and Stacy get married, or Tom and Bill? How will YOUR life change? It won't. You can think its not "God's way" That's fine. I'm not one to force my beliefs on other people. But you can't PREVENT people from doing things (that don't affect you) just because YOU don't like it. I don't like when people sleep around, have 4 kids by 4 baby daddies, get on welfare that my taxes pay for, and I can't get gov't assistance when I lose my job and need help. But am I gonna make it illegal for people to have kids out of wedlock? lol NO. Cuz that's a small minority. Most of the ppl who have kids out of wedlock DON'T affect me and take very good care of their kids. Back to gay marriage tho'.... The government has no right to tell people how to live their lives. They make laws to better this state/country (or they are supposed to anyway...) but telling Mike and Scott they can't marry cuz they're two men is not their business. Not every religious head has to marry those couples. There will be plenty of people who WILL marry them. If you are a good Christian (most of them aren't anyway cuz they're hipocrites who preach and then sin in another way lol), and you really ARE following your faith, live your good Christian life and believe what you believe, and let these people be happy and have the same oppt'ies you have. If you're just closed minded, same to you. Let them be happy. You don't have to agree. But don't block a civil right just cuz you don't like it. I don't like when people marry for money or convenience either. But do I think it should be blocked? No. Its not my PROBLEM! Gay marriage when its approved, cuz I know it will be, will probably far surpass our own marriage success rate of 40%. Just watch.

No, I'm not gay, but I have met lots of gay people in my life and they deserve the same rights as anyone else. We're supposed to move forward in the present, not move backwards.

The hardest part was getting up at 5:30am. Well, so I thought. Actually Sunday never ended for me, since when I tried to go to bed at midnight, it just didn't happen. I tossed, I turned, I thought, and thought and thought. I always think about my future and what I can do to prevent it from going into total ruin. Needless to say I didn't sleep at all. Not a wink. It was a long, frustrating night. So getting up at 5:30 am wasn't so bad since I didn't actually get "up". I merely got out of BED. My body was tired, definitely but what can I do? I didn't want to back out and spend another day HERE. So I got in the shower, washed my hair, put on layers of clothes and went to Trenton. Luckally my friend was driving. She slept 2hrs versus my zero so.... Yeah. Got Dunkin Donuts and were off. I never have been to Trenton before either and I've lived in NJ for all but 7 years of my life. It wasn't all that actually. *shrug*

We got to the Capitol area, got lost, walked in the freezing cold and found the rest of the people. We got free tshirts, donuts and coffee (though I passed on the donuts and coffee). We went inside to watch an assembly take place, but the gay marrage bill wasn't on their agenda. But I heard everyone else's stories (most of them were gay and lesbian) about them wanting to get married and needing the health benfits (don't we all!). I had trouble staying awake during the assembly. It was on tv too. Ugh! I hope they didn't show me!After that we got a note saying there was pizza across the street! Yay carbs! Yay energy! Yay soda! I went to pee and my friend came out and then when we got outside, they directed us to another building for a press conference (outside. we were told we wouldn't be outside). Wha....? What about the pizza?! I saw people across the street stuffing the pizza in their mouths and guzzling pepsis before running over. DAMMIT!!!

The press conf was long, cold, but for a good cause. Alot of people spoke. The head of it was a gay jew with an equality yamaka, and a female jew cantor also wearing a sparkly yamaka (i didn't know the girls wore them). There were clergy people, Catholic priests, southern reverends, pastors, and a black preacher (woooohooo!). He made a good point saying that in the 60s and before, blacks and whites couldn't marry because the govt said THAT wasn't a marriage. Gay and lesbian couples spoke and told their stories while the cameras rolled.

Then, we marched back to the Senate/Capitol thingy and had to stand in the hallway to catch senators and congressmen and assembly people as they went to their meetings. I wasn't gonna talk to any of them. I had nothing to say that was any different. The other people did. A group of lesbians desended on a senator and got in his face and showed him alls orts of documents (I couldn't see what htey were) and were really giving it to him. He responded by rudely saying "I gotta go!" and ran away. Lots of the workers were for gay marriage tho', and wore pins stating so.

I was getting hungry and needed carbs or caffeine or something. I went to the cafe and got a balsamic chicken wrap and a soda. The cafe was way underground through a labrynth of basement hallways. On the way back up, I got in the elevator and our Governor himself, Jon Corzine came into the car. He was joking with a female staffer because she had a dollar sticking out of her purse and he said don't leave this here for him to take. She responded with "hahahaha oh Governor, you're SOOO funny *forced laugh*" Really, lady, why not ask him to bend over so you can plant a big smoocharoo on his ASS. *roll eyes* I came back to find out we were going back outside. We did, then went into the senate building, then back to the capitol, then out to a fountain for a send off by the Garden State Equality People.

I was glad I went. It was a good experience. I really hope they pass this bill for their sake. I really want them to be able to marry too and I'm really disappointed and disgusted by the government the way they treat people and try to run their lives. The government is supposed to make laws and maintain order. That's it. On the way out, we saw some protesters in front of the building where our rally was held. They were none other than....

HASIDIC JEWS!!!!! Lmao!!! They turn up in the damndest places, don't they? They shun our world, think everyone is dirty, and unkosher,or whatever, then they come here to lobby against gay marriage. I read that hasidic jewish marriages aren't recognized by the state either so... you'd think they'd know how that feels. Again, if thats against their religion, fine. Any gay members can just LEAVE the community and make a new life. You'll never change the holy rollers be they Christian, Catholic or Jewish, so let them be. They shouldn't get involved in something that doesn't concern them at all.

The Jews protesting. The Star Ledger said they were Rabbis from Lakewood and Borough Park Brooklyn. Why am I not surprised?

Me and my friend in the senate building. Probably never gonna get to go in there again!

We drove the long drive home, went to the unemployment office (not for me this time), and I got home. My apt was FREEZING (its usually really hot but I dont' know what happened). I watched Tyra (yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and the news and my usual reality trash. It was a good day. I was happy I participated in this, and I will continue to support it for my gay friends' rights.

FIN. <---lol

Frank The Entertainer: A Basement Affair

So the idiot from I love New York, and I Love Money has his own show. I was wondering how they were gonna pull this one off, bringing skanks into a basement. I assumed they'd put them into a mansion. In the opener, Frank says that they're NOT gonna give him a mansion like Flavor Flav or Bret Michaels, but he has to use his "real home" in Queens.

Real home, my ass! Their "house" is much bigger and much more fancy than the other houses on the block. IF it were a real house, it looks like it was built on 2 lots instead of one. They'd also have to be pretty rich. Franks Italian parents don't strike me as being rich at all. The house just doesn't belong on that street. Its either digitally added, or there's a facade on the housefront (or two of them made to look like one), and is only used for filming them entering or exiting the house. Inside is obvisouly a sound stage, or a bigger house like on I love Money.

When the skanks.....errr....girls arrived, typical little hoochies, they were brought into a livijng room which was very spacious and obviously created and decorated to LOOK like a typical middle class Queens Italian family home, but was not. Noone's home is THAT spacious, I'm sorry, unless you're the Kardashians but we KNOW they have money!

None of the skanks, errrr girls are really that pretty except a few guidettes, and the blonde chinese girl. Oh and the black girl w/ the long weave. The other black girl that looks like Eve with a Saleisha cut (from America's Next Top Model) doesn't know who Frank is and he called her out on it. The rest are typical dumb bimbos, and that Annie chick (the hippy w/ the flowered stretch pants on is either an idiot, or an actress hired to be the comic relief.) We already know theres a house bitch and a house whore. Lets see what other titles can be assigned!

I can't stand the entertainer. I was never a fan. But his mother is funny. This show is ridic ridic RIDIC!!!!

Will I watch?


You bet'cho ASS! =D


Since when do I NOT watch ridiculous reality shows? Jersey Shore what, WHAT?!

Oh and Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew starts on Thurs! Kari Ann Peniche's in that too. She's the only reason I watched Sex Rehab. You never know what she's gonna do next. So glad all my shows are back! I am watching the Jackson 5 show too. I love that show. All the brothers are so likeable. I just wanna like.......hang out with them! Anyway, I'll try to write some reviews of other shows as time permits. I'm gonna be temping full time and going to school full time soon. The temp job is only for Jan though. Then back to the job search once again.

Today I gotta go to bed early since I'm going to some Gay Marriage Equality Rally thingy in Trenton. I'm pretty excited cuz I never did one of those before. Never been to my own state's capital. And Its for a cause I believe in. I DO think gay people should be allowed to marry. Why the hell not? Are they committing a crime in doing so? NO! So why should the gov't outlaw it? Boggles the mind,b ut we all know I have issues w/ the government anyway. Speaking of which, my license is expired and driving around here which is swimming w/ cops is difficult. Tuesday I'm gonna head to the DMV to get my new license. I guess I have to get all made up to look "natural' lmao. Sad that you need so much makeup for the natural look. Otherwise you look washed out as most ppl do in their drivers license photo. Mostly just lining the eyes and putting color on your lips and defining eyebrows is enough. I dont' do crazy colors. haha. My hair is darkish so I guess it'll have to do. Who knows what my color will be. I heard the new licenses are supa high tech. I have a new license I got in 2005. I dont know if they were made better recently. I bet theres some kinda tracking chip in them. I dont want ppl to track me!!!! The gov't goes too far sometimes *stomps foot*! Too far. I have no idea what the new license has. Alli know is the under 21 crowd gets a license thats vertical vs our horizontal one. Everyone at school has em. I thought that was new for this state but was told it was just the younguns.

Anyway, I'll try to post about the Gay Marriage Rally thing too. G'noche!

Why I wish Christmas would come and go quickly

People who don't know me probalby don't know why I "hate" Christmas, or really any holiday. I didn't always. I used to love Christmas. It was my fave holiday. I loved decorating the tree, smeling the tree smell, putting up the ornaments, listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas movies on tv, goint to someone's house on Christmas eve (or having them come to our house) since I'm social and all, and most of all, the anticipation of Christmas day to see what presents we got. Now thats the pagan Christmas, not the Birth of Christ Christmas, which I never celebrated since all of my immediate family are non-religous. So paganism it is!

My parents divorced in 1991 and that was our last Christmas. After that, my father vanished from our lives to go shack up w/ several gold digging whores, and my mother remarried a guy who hated us and locked us away. Christmas didn't exist anymore. It just stopped like a car that hit the anti lock brakes. I spent my 2 Christmases in my stepfather's house locked in my room, out of sight, out of mind. No tree, no presents. No ornaments. No xmas songs. No house hopping on xmas eve. No nothing.

I escaped Tennesee (where my mother moved us to with her new husband who fond work at the GM plant down there) in 1994 to move back in with my father who obviously didn't want me but....tough! You create me, you DEAL with me!!! 1995 was my first Christmas back in NJ. It was an attempt. We had a tree, we had lights, and I got a few presents. I think I got a donut, a Mariah Carey CD, new rollerblades, a few sweaters, and did I mention a donut? But the presents don't make Christmas. There was something missing. That Christmas I sat in my townhouse alone watching "Miracle on 34th Street" like 3 times in a row, bored out of my mind. My father iddn't food shop. I had no food to eat, and no stores were open. Back then nothing was open on Xmas. Its changed now thank god. Usually chinese is open! I went for a walk thru our development and looked in windows of the other families eating together, having fun etc. I realized Christmas as I knew it was over. I knew it was over til I become part of another family. Basically when I get married, assuming my hubby has a good relationship with his fam.

What little family I have, I don't fit in to. My aunt and uncle (dad's bro and his wife) are hardcore bible toting, holy rolling Catholics who shove it down my throat, and make no secret that I am not accepted or welcome in to their fam since I was never baptised Catholic, refused to BE baptized, and said that religion is a fantasy story used to explain how we got here cuz noone was smart enough to figure it out back in the olden days. Wellt hats what i think! Sue me! My uncle calls me a fuck up, and says I'm no good (aside from lack of Catholicism) and I am a disappointment cuz I didn't get good grades, go to college, join hte millitary and get married. So needless to say I'm not wanted or accepted in that group. I have another uncle (dads younger bro) who is so ghetto, that he brought weed to Great Adventure and rolled joints while his sons were on the go karts. He goes thru garbage cans and is just so unbelieveably ghetto, he's embarassing. I dont' fit in w/ them. Frankly, they dont fit in with the bible toters either but they're more welcome than me since they are CATHOLIC and listen to my aunt preach about the topic du jour.

I have cousins. Lots of em. THey're not bible toters but since they are with the bible toter clan on holidays I can't hang w/ them. My dad sits home alone. Perfectly content that way. My mother and I are estranged and she wants me to visit but i dont want to. So what options does that leave me on a holiday? Nothing really. Sit home in front of the tv. I used to aimlessly roam the streets of East Brunswick, the town I lived in from 1994 to 2000 every year, every single holiday. I couldn't hang w/ friends since they were all with their families.

On a normal day, yes you're alone. You work, come home, make dinner, shower, watch tv and go to bed. No biggie. But on holidays everyone kind of goes to where they belong. They go to be with others like them. They're accepted and welcome and supported and whatever else. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong with my bible toting aunt and uncle who put me down and think I'm a fuck up. I don't belong w/ my estranged mother who allowed her husband to lock me up and starve me, and I don't belong with my ghetto cousins and uncle from the bronx who roll joints in a public place and mooch off of me cuz they think I'm "rich". So where do I belong?

I don't.

Christmas kind of rubs it in that you have noone in this world who gives a flying fuck about you. I mean I know every day of my life that this is true, but for some reason holidays are harder. I really thought that by my age I would have been married and adopted into another family and have my own. That hasn't happened so every Christmas gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas alot. I really can't wait to have it again but I know its not possible til I get married. I dont want people to invite me over out of pity, cuz i dont belong there. I used to go somewhere for thanksgiving a few years but clearly I did not belong. I felt like a complete outsider. I guess I just have to wait it out. I learned in psychology that human beings have a need to belong.

That need in me has not been realized. That's why I hate holidays. Maybe now you'll understand a little better when I get into these moods. I'm bored, have nowhere to go where I'm welcome and accepted, and I get to hear about, see pics from and listen to everyones happy stories of something that I lost half a lifetime ago.

New Obsession, but expensive obsession

I have a new culinary obsession lately. Its this Vietnamese dish called Bo Luc Lac. Its beef in a dark flavorful brown sauce, served with lettuce, scallions and white rice. The beef is so tender, and I just found out its made from Filet Mignon (of course! *slaps forehead at my expensive tastes*). That'll explain the price. It ain't cheap. Ive eaten it a few times this past week, and several times during the summer. But I had to have it again.

I have to look up the recipe and attempt to make it on my own (although I can't really keep using filet mignon cuz I'm not rich, but my taste buds seem to think so!) But if I boil the beef in the marinade slowly for a few hours it should be tender and I can just use regular beef cubes as opposed to filet mignon. I usually dont have luck with asian recipes. They never taste authentic when I make them. I follow the directions but I think that most of the recipes were written by suburban housewives in Wisconsin or something and not by someone from that ethnicity. I'm kind of at a loss here. Just wanted to give my new fave dish a shoutout cuz its probably the last time I'm gonna be buying it for a while. Back to the grind in 2010.

The Transformation of ME

I'm in the middle of a pretty big change. It's pretty weird how all the shit I went thru in the past few years is hitting me now. I'm becoming such a different person, but not neccesarily for the better.

The rejection, the betrayal, the hopelessness, the lack of job, lack of money, the feeling that everyone thinks I'm a failure, that every one forgot what I accomplished before the bad times, and the fact that I feel like its me against the world caused this change. These few years starting in 2006 when I was 26 years old, have been the worst years of my life, hands down. It seems like bad luck came at me like a meteor shower. One meteor slamming into me after another. Right when I fix the mess that one made, another one hits. My health has suffered. I gained tons of weight in a years time, and I am starting to not care about anything anymore.

Life is not fair. I know that very well. I've lived it! It seems like my friends' dreams are coming true one by one. They're moving up in the world, getting a dream job, buying their dream house, meeting the man of their dreams and starting a family. None of that happened to me. I've had a taste of success but lost it all at 26. I have yet to regain ANYTHING back. I'm gonna be 30 in 7 months. I really have nothing to show for myself except the fact that I've managed to live independently for most of the past 10 yrs (how I don't know!!!!) but I managed.

I just sit on the beach at nite and wish that MY dreams can come true. Or at least some of them. Its hard being on Facebook sometimes and seeing the happiness and joy other people I went to school with are experiencing. I'm not jealous but I do envy them. Theres a difference in my book. I wish I knew what it was like to leave work at night to come home to my own family. I may never know that. I worry I'll never be able to have kids due to my age and the fact that I'm pretty much a broken person after my last relationship. I don't know how I can have another relationship. I can see myself pushing someone away. Giving up too easily. Afraid of re-living the nightmare that I lived thru with my last one. People like me tend to go down that path. I dont know how old I can have kids til. My mother was 38 when she had her last one. Does that mean I can go into my late 30s? I don't know. Noone can tell you that. But I picture myself watching all my friends marry and have kids while I remmain single and childless. I see myself hitting 40, again watching my friends with their pre teen kids while I am single and childless, knowing that it'll never happen. I wish there wasn't such a time limit on having kids. I dont sleep around and I won't get knocked up by some dude. I'd have to be with someone to make it happen. There's always artificial insemenation too but i'll deal w/ that once i hit like 33 or 34yrs old I said. But that's not far away at all! 3 or 4 yrs.

Scary.

I see tragic figures and liken them to myself. Billie Holiday, Marilyn Monroe, and now Michael Jackson. I worry that my life is gonna end like theirs. I dont' do drugs but I completely understand why people do them. I didn't always. But I do now. You're in so much emotional pain that you'll do ANYTHING to make it stop. Anything. I was there. Some days I still am. Its a struggle to not take a bunch of pills that will put me in that state. I have a prescription that could do that. One of hte most addictive drugs in the country. I don't abuse it though. I hardly ever take them to tell you the truth. But I actually don't like the sedated state. I think thats why I never used drugs as my way to cope. I don't like being drugged. I've always felt that I would die young. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to live. And NO I'm not gonna kill myself. I don't wanna die. I wanna live and be happy. But happiness seems to elude me. Nothing but bad things happen to me. My health is declining. So my way of thinking changes along with it.

Sometimes I think that I'll never be successful again, since every road I try to take out of this situation is blocked by the threat of my Unemployment stopping (they threaten to stop it constantly. the best thing to do is not work honestly but i dont want to sit there and collect. if i dont work, i will exhaust my claim. So I work) I work low paying temp jobs that makes me feel like even less of a human being. I climbed so far in my years working in corporate america. And I've fallen all the way to the bottom. Even lower than where I started from, actually.

I think that I'll never be able to be a nurse, cuz I keep failing the algebra tests and I can't be a nurse til I get good at algebra. (don't know WHY!!!!!). Algebra is my major weakness. I am horrible at math. If I'm not a nurse, I have to wait for the economy to pick up. It could be a long time. I dont wanna struggle anymore. I want to be able to not worry bout money. Not sacrifice if I want a pair of shoes, to go without dinner for 4 nights to get them. Be abole to go on vacations, rent a car again, buy a new car in the future. All these things are denied to me because of the bad luck streak that started when I was 26. What kind of future am I gonna have?

I stopped caring about alot because of this. I feel like my life is gonna be hard and difficult no matter what, so why care? I break rules, laws, give ppl attitude (like cops), do not like being told what to do (unless you give me a paycheck everyweek that is). I really developed a fuck-it attitude. I buy shoes if I can afford them,and i WILL go without food for a while. Why? You only life once. I don't know how long it'll be for. I want to at least say I tried to enjoy what time I had here on earth dispite my situation. I'm really trying to enjoy my life to the fullest on a small budget. Because it makes me happy. Usually I'm miserable. Especially after the last 4 years. You have no idea what I went through. Noone really does. Only Michelle knows the whole story. Everyone knows about money woes but add relationship issues to that, and painful ones at that. She's the only one who understands what I went thru. It changes you.

This brings me to my next point. My attention seeking-ness. I never used to give two shits about being the center of attention. Now I must be. I have to be the focus. I want people to look at me. I want someone to talk to me. I want someone to compliment me. It stems from the rejection from my ex. He didn't want me. so I wondered if anyone did. Now i'm in this mindset. I need attention to validate myself. I hate that I'm becoming this way cuz its not me. I am 100% against my behavior. These guys that remind me of my ex, and there are a few, I MUST make them talk to me and notice me and compliment me. I have to. I'll do anything to get it. I hate this. I understand why I act this way but I wish I could stop it. I dont' want to be this pathetic person who needs attention to validate themself. But he made me that pathetic person. I am ashamed. This is not me.

So thats pretty much all I have to vent about today. I guess w/ the holidays coming up I'm gonna be more blah. Since I usually am around this time. I thought for sure I'd have a fam of my own by my age. Every year that goes by gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas. I miss Thanksgiving. I thought for sure I'd have them again by now. But I still sit home alone wishing I had a family. I don't havea realtionship with my family. I dont need to be told I'm a fuckup and get Catholocism pushed down my throat. I'll never be good enough for them and they're not worthy the 4hr drive to eat with them. Plus I dont like the way they cook. Their stuffing is horrible, spanish rice is horrible, yams are horrible, and other shit is horrible. I'd rather sit home and cook a cornish hen, veggies and stove top stuffing that I WILL eat. Altho' it would be nice to have a real family where you're accepted and welcomed and where you fit in. That, I don't have.

So hopefully there wont' be anymore of these posts for a while. I already said what I feel about holidays and my life, and my behavior. So.... what more is this to say. I just wish everything could change. I try to change things but end up exhausting myself and burning myself out trying to fight the system that I dont make a dent. Should I accept that this is my life,and shoot for low goals of a 30k job when I used to make $49k? Should I just temp and be a receptionist and an administrative assistant and struggle? Cuz fighting to get back to my place is so exhausting and draining. Its not my nature to give up. On anything. I haven't given up on anything yet. Except one. It may be time to give up on another just to save my health and my sanity. Who knows what'l happen next. I wish my dreams were next in line to come true like all of my former classmates on facebook. I want it to be my turn. When will my turn come????

Ode to Temping

^ I'm not?! NO! Of course not! I'm "just THE TEMP".

So as some of you may know, I am at yet ANOTHER menial, bullshit, temp assignment! I just wanted to make some extra cash that I can keep, so a low paying part time one was the only way to [legally] do it. I was told about a 2wk assignment. Ok fine. I interview, the guy liked me (apparently the schmuck only interviewed me and noone else). Then I am told its temp to perm. The salary is ridiculously low. I never made so little money even in my first job with no office experience. I would be evicted within a month if I went perm on this job w/ out the aid of Unemployment. And I'd have to quit school, to work a second job which I don't want to do. So I never would've consented to a temp to perm unless it was a GOOD PAYING JOB. Uhhhh ... Whats that again? *scratches head*. Something that just existed many moons ago, apparently. Every available job Iv'e seen advertised is SHIT PAY. But this one takes the cake. They tried to negotiate the salary up but the guy refused. The temp agency has tried to trap me in this assignment. Why am I able to be trapped? I need the money! Its always about money. This one thing that makes our whole world go round. The one thing that makes people kill eachother, and lie, and cheat for it. Money. Gotta love it. So good yet so evil.

So I said I could do 2wks. Then I was told they need me longer. I said I would not go perm. Not at that salary. Its not worth me dropping out of NURSING SCHOOL of all things for a low paying bullshit temp job. I said I'd only do it if the job paid 40K and up so I'd live comfortably. If i have to struggle, then NO. I'd rather ride out my UE as far as it will stretch to come out at the other end with a LPN or an RN. Still waiting on entering nursing prog at bother Brookdale and Middlesex Co Vo Tech. I will find out soon. Very soon. I hope I passed my test. I am still worried about the math. I can read and I can write. And I can also spell! Woohoo! But math... even though I studied, I wasn't so sure.

SO ANYWAY.... The temp agency begged and pleaded with me to stay longer than two weeks. I still asserted that I would NOT go fulltime. She said just take it week by week. Yeah right. This agency hasn't had a work order in weeks apparently. They get commission when I temp. So they're all relying on me for that commission check. I am not allowed to leave a temp job unless I have another lined up before my UE term ends. I am not sure when I am gonna exhaust my claim. I have 2 extensions and I may just go right into them as opposed to filing new claim(like I did last year) cuz the extensions will be at the same pay rate. My new claim will likely be $300ish a week which is gonna be rough to make it on. Trying to make as much as possible right now. The pay I get from temping is so low that I actually LEGITIMATLY can receive UE while I temp. I am allowed to work 1/2 days Weds and Thurs for classes. Then I have my other night and Sat classes. Temping right now will benefit me cuz I think...I will let'cha know.... that I make out $100/wk richer than on UE. Which makes me go =) !!!

I show up to my assignment today at 9. Thats the time I was told to come. Noone was there. I sat with the receptionist for an hour. Noone came. I was on twitter and facebook. Nothing interesting. I emailed temp agency telling them that noone was here. They were puzzled. I didn't drive all the way up here for nothign tho'! this shit uses alot of gas! So I was gona stay and make some (hahah I have to laugh cuz the "some" in this equasion is so low it'd probably be like $20 IF THAT for today) money.

At 10am the boss showed up. HE's an old man and he was nice during the inteview but came in w/ a chip on his shoulder. He asked me why I wasn't in the office working. I looked at him like he was dressed in drag. WTF?! Noone was here. He said he left work for me. Ummmmm. noone was in the office.... The door tot he office was unlocked but it was dark and I didn't go in there cuz I thought it wasn't right to being that I dont' work there. I could see it was gonna be a great day. I went to my station and the whole office is filthy. Dusty , dirty, crusty shit on the phones, the chair seat linig was ripped and i was sitting on egg crate material . The bathroom was so disgusting that I actually picked up a bottle of Lysol Bathroom Cleaner and cleaned the toilet seat myself!!!! So disgusting!!! Ugh!

I was given work to do and not told where to find the documents in question. Not told where the references were. I was to make phone calls asking if dealers will buy used electronic parts, not knowing what parts they were or were they opened and uninstalled or were they in the box (that was a common question i got from ppl on the phone). I asked the boss who just said to ask if they buy parts. I don't knwo the model numbers. Well how the FUCK am I supposed to know them?! Am i supposed to be some kinda super temp?! Oh hold on, lemme don my T Shirt!

The phone rang and I saw a receptionist so I didn't think I was supposed to answer the phone. The boss said to answer it. I asked him how the phoen should be answered. I didn't know the name of the company. WAs never told. I was just given a name and addy in my temp interview. He walked off and picked up a call on his cell. The woman on the business phone asked for him and when he wasn't avail, she asked for voicemail. I was never shown how to transfer to voicemail. Every system is different. This was an old ass phone from the 90s or so. The other one employee, this guy from Africa whos really nice and helpful told me that there IS no voicemail. WTF? I have to take a message the old fashioned way. Um ok. Later I had to email a job app to some electronic technicians looking for work. I'd assume there was an electronic copy. No siree! It was a cheaply copied paper form that had to be scanned. The scanner was an old one that only took one page at a time and made each page into its own file. The email client did not have a BCC field so all the ppl had to see who else was getting the mail. Boss didn't seem to care so, the hell if I do! lol He told me tojust send it together. *shrug*.

Then he said he wanted a copy of everything. The email, and the job app and the sheet of names. Um. its in your outbox. So I sent the email to HIM (boss) and CC'd the other people. There you have it. As far as a copy, there scan I used WAS a copy. When i interviewed he tested me to see if I was competent. I assume I was.... lol. He had me scan a 20pg doc and had me retype a word doc into an email. He didnt want me to cut n' paste. I retyped and he asked for a copy. But there already WAS a copy as a word doc and the electronic word doc. I had to make copies of the 20pgs i scanned too even tho the scan was printed off of an elec copy and I sent a NEW elec copy. He wanted to see the whole thing that was sent out. Most people would just ask that the email be fwded to them so they can see for themself. This guy wanted copies so he wouldn't lose the orig emails. Just for shits n' giggles. Judging by his age, the condition of the office, lack of technology, he is def still livin' in the 1960s or something. so much unnecessary shit work.

In the 2 hours that I actually worked ... since HE was an hour late...... I didn't get to do much. 30 min before I left, I went to the bathroom (and had to clean it prior to using it). When I came out, he was gone. The other employee was gone. I was alone there and noone said anything. I called the agency to tell them i'm leaving at 12:30 for class just incase he tried to bullshit the time and claim i left at 12, when i didn't. Oh not that I'll make that much more money. Actually now that I think about it, who cares what time I left? Cuz I really ain't making SHIT at this job. LAst weeks temping (i worked on the interview) adn this weeks just about covers the GAS MONEY to get there. I am shaking my head and asking myself why in the HELL I took this job. But again. I need the shit money. Next week when I work a semi full week it'll be some nice spending money to make life a lil' easier. I just hate that I get these low paying shit jobs, and am treated like a fucking idiot.

Shoot meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............

The days when I had a good respectable job, with good pay, and treated like one of the fam seem to be so far behind me. These past few years w/ the economy and switching jobs I've mostly temped now. Mostly been the one who gets the shit work like counting the words on a piece of paper. YES I really did have to do that once! ALso counting small little pencils that were in a huge box. *bangs head against wall*.

My road to becoming a nurse is a long and hard one. But I hope it all happens. I'm still waiting on 2 diff results to find out which path I take next. and I have to figure out how to get outta this temp job, or get into another one with an END DATE before my UE is up. So thats some homework for myself. Gotta go to the UE office and have a chat w/ Patrick. I <3 Patrick. I really do!!! He got me $ I never would've gotten otherwise by just changing a DATE in the computer! I <<<<<<<<333333333 Him!!! Ok anyway, those of you who are employed, are not ashamed of waht you do, can make ends meet and still go shopping w/ the chicas on saturday afternoon. I envy thee! I really do. You dont know how good you have it.