Silence

I officially have the worst luck in this entire universe. This sounds so teenagerish to say, but it's true. Friends have been telling me that for years. But it all kind of came to a closed circle this afternoon.

I woke up, prepared to go apply for more shit jobs close by, then I took a walk on the boardwalk. I was waiting for the Locksmith to call so they can fix my trunk, which thelock won't open on. This way I can transport my kayak around, and have access to my life vest, and seat back. Not to mention books, shoes, resume folder, beachchair etc that are locked in there.

As I was walking, a friend called saying she was at Sandy Hook asking if I wanted to meet up and hang out. I was stuck waiting for the locksmith, who has nevercalled and its 3pm now! But also it cost $10 to go onthe beach, sitting in traffic to get there, it wouldn't work. I had to decline, but I really wanted to hang out. I haven't seen anyone in a week. I've pretty much been isolated due to lack of money.

I had a missed call while I was on the phone w/ my friend andit was my recruiter. Her tone of voice was solemn. There were alot of 'ummm's. She said to call her ASAP about my job. I knew.

I've been a temp for 3yrs. If you're not perfect, they ax you. I've been axed at least 6 or 7 times in the past 3yrs for not being 'the right fit'. I didn't know what the reason was for this thing, but I assumed it was the same.

I called all the temp agencies begging for work. One agency submitted my resume to two different jobs. The others had no work. Of course! Then I called the recruiter to hear the story. She is a very nice lady, who found my resume on Monster, and she continued to be sweet til the end. She generally sounded sorry and she basically said the reason I was axed was...

The woman I was replacing BEGGED for her job back. =( They let her haveit. The woman is a senior citizen who works 2 days a week, goes to FL in the winter, and they needed a full time peroson. That would've been me. She doesn't know Excel or Power Point,a nd all she can really do is type stuff. They were going to let her go and take me. I felt bad though. but she was retired and she was just using this job as "Atlantic City money",so the bosses said. She had a husband w a good pension, enough money to own 2 houses.... I can't blame her for begging for it though.

So I didn't do anything wrong. The woman was tipped off somehow that I was her replacement (I worked days she didn't work), but there were traces of me, not to mention a new login on her computer with my name. She knew. She begged. She got it. The VP apparently when he called the recruiter said that it took him a few hours to make the call because he felt so guilty and horrible. She said the VPs voice was very telling of this. His voice was very sorrowful, and not the usual fabulousness he normally spoke with. *sigh*

I couldn't believe that happened. I wished that this job would save me. I'm running out of money and have noone left to help me. Only my dad could ever help me. Noone else has money , and even if they do, why would they help ME? After I hung up the phone I sat on some rocks in front of my house and the world went silent. No birds, no people, no construction, no background noise, no waves from the ocean. I heard nothing. I probably zoned out. It was just this eerie weird silence Ih ave never heard before.

I think I lost. I don't know what to do now. I just feel nauseous and numb right now. I know the money is low. I don't know how much further I can go. Please pray for me. and I'm not religious. I really don't know what else to DO.

"Although we've come to the end of the road"

I really hope this isn't my swan song, but I definitely am starting to feel like it is. I've been unemployed for 3 years. I have survived working one low paying, shitty temp job after another. Losing my dignity and every ounce of self worth along the way. I have been treated like the help. Like a slave from the days of Gone with the Wind. I lost my identity. I was no longer me. I was "the temp". I didn't have a name. I didn't have a story. I didn't have a life. I was just a dispensible thing brought in to do a company's dirty work, and then cast aside when they were done w/ me.

My unemployment has exhausted. I won't be eligible for another year again. My father's pension is all that is keeping me going. Thankfully he left it to me. It wasn't much though. I have had nothing but huge gaps between temp jobs. I've worked less in 2011 so far than I ever have. I am running low on money. I have nowhere to go and noone to turn to. I know if I go broke, I'm gona live in the back seat of my car, which I still owe like $1,600 on, so assuming I can work enough to even legally OWN the car.

Last night after I got the news that I wasn't chosen for 2 temp jobs I interviewed for, I looked around at all the things in my apt. I felt like I should start packing. I honestly felt like my days were numbered. I only have enough money to pay the rent thru July. I havne't worked at all this month. It doesn't look like I'll be working next week either. I kinda laughed at the thought of packing though because I have no where to bring my stuff to! If I leave, I would have to just abandon my apt and all my furniture. I will ask someone if they can hold my big screen tv and my flute and piccolo and my important docs. But as far as myself I don't know WHERE I'm gonna go. Noone has room. I am looking at prices on tents today. At least I could sleep stretched out as opposed to in a tight fetal position inthe back seat of my car. I'm too tall to lay down in the car. I have a down comforter for winter, although I hope if I lose m y home I will have gotten a job or placed somewhere before next winter.

I know if I get placed, I'd probably end up in a bed bug ridden roach motel in the hood. I kind of would prefer my car or a tent than anyplace w/ bed bugs! I have no kids though so I don't know who will help me, if anyone will. I am going to go to social services next week and ask abotu my options if I run out of money. I always worried about this, but as my $ drops more and more its becoming more of a reality. I walked up the coast yesterday and appreciated how lucky I've been to live onthe beach. It made me sad to realize that I may have to leave,and have no idea where the HELL I'm gonna go next. I really hoped I'd find work. I had no problem getting temp jobs, but now even those are getting harder and harder to get. I interviewed for a marketing job 3wks ago that pays decently but still have no heard and answer. The recruiter keeps telling me they are gonna make a decision "tomorrow". That was weeks ago. I don't think it's gonna happen. That is my miracle. If I gt that job, I can rebound from this. If Idon't, I'm back to working shitty temp job to shitty temp job and my stress levels will remain on high alert. I'm pretty much in emergency mode now. I'm looking for tents online for god sake! I never thought I'd be homeless. I never thought this would be my life. Now I'm looking it right in the face but I'll fight to the end before I abandon my stuff and set up my new life in the great outdoors/or my car if I can pay it off. I just wish I had someone who could help me. =/

If its the end of the road, I walk it alone. Here goes nothing.

Osama is dead!! Sorry, Will and Kate

Last night, I turned off the tv and lit candles just to reflect on life. On whats coming up. To think of a plan to prevent certain things from happening etc. It helped and I relaxed a little bit. Then I went on Twitter on my phone and saw everyone talking about this "mysterious" address by President Obama any minute. I had no idea what it could be about. I guess part of me hoped it was good news on the economy/job front, but that could never be something that would happen immediately. I decided to watch CNN to see what this "mysterious" address would be about.

The broadcast was delayed a few times, and all the reporters were speculating that it was about them finding Osama bin Laden and killing him. I was a little disappointed for a second, bc again I realy wanted good news about the job situation =/ , but realistically, that isn't gonna happen. So I watched on to see what he said.

Indeed, Osama bin Laden, founder of Al Qaeda, orchestrator of the September 11th Twin Towers attacks was dead. Yay! Good riddance! I don't think they should've killed him just yet but maybe he had one of his rifles that most of those terrorists seem to always have with them at all times, and it was either kill or be killed. I still think they shouldve taken his ass alive, and put him in a cage at ground zero so the people can torment him, spit on him, probably shoot him lol, and other things, then try him and execute his ratty ass. But they did what they did. They say he was in a "mansion" in Pakistan, but then I'm hearing it was a compound. I saw some footage on BBC and it looks like a compound. I don't really assoicate Pakistan w/ opulance.

Of course, his little minions will probably go on a bomb spree against the United States (I'm glad I don't live in NYC anymore!!!) to retaliate, but obviously you know this is gonna happen.

This over eclipses the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton though. But maybe they will like the diversion. It was a nice wedding. I watched a few of the Royal weddings but this one was watched on an HDTV big screen tv (probably the smartest purchases Ive made in the last few years). It was awesome in Hi Def.

Will and Kate are going to move to the island of Anglesea in Wales where he will work as a helicopter, search and rescue pilot for 2 more years. No doubt Kate will pop out a baby while up there. What else is she gonna do? It's all good in the world. Well if you're in the Royal Family of England it is.

For me, things aren't going too good. I'm almost broke. I'm living off of savings from my fathers pesion that I was beneficiary of. Thank god he left it to me. Otherwise I don't think I couldve made it. My UE is done. I'll be re-elligable in a year I think. And I'm working one low paying temp job after another. I've had 2wk or so gaps between jobs, making me have to pull from savings. I have very little left. I interviewed for a Marketing job last week and am hoping I get it. It was pretty much exactly what I used to do before. I 'm definitely qualified to do it, but it depends how the other people did I guess. No answer yet. I hope they give me one soon. I really do need to work this week. I was offered a long term data entry temp job. I really hate data entry. Its so tedious and exhausting and it makes you want to bang your head against the wall. But if I dont' get the marketing job, I will have to do it. Noone really jumps at data entry jobs, not even in the temp world. And understandably so. Its really for us desperate fools to do. Because we will do anything to keep a roof over our heads.

I still owe $1645 on my car. I do have the money to pay it off but I'm afraid to. What if I don't work this month and I can't pay June's rent? So I'm gonna have to drag it on. Hoping I can hold on til its paid off. My car payment is so expensive! I can also live on less income once the car is paid (providing it doesn't crap out on me, but its 5yrs old and its a Toyota so I'm hoping it'll go the distance). I put alot of maintenence work into it when I had extra money to prevent issues down the road. Just got a tune up and all the other shti on the engine cleaned up and tweaked. I need tires but thaqt'll have to wait a while. Thats not a powertrain issue. I think June will be my last car payment.

But yeah, I'm almost broke. I really really hope I don't actually hit rock bottom but I'm so close. I need a job. DESPERATELY. I hope I get some good news soon. Otherwise I better buy a tent cuz its safer than the homeless shelter and more spacious than the back seat of my car. =/ I will look into pricing them very soon.