So my temp job is no more. I was feeling sick Sunday and this morning so I called out because I have an insanely busy schedule and thoguht if I had one day to rest I could make it better through the week. Well around 11am, the agency called saying they didn't need me any more. They just said it wasn't working out. WTF?! So why end it now, why not Friday? Why not last week? Bullshit. This happened to me in Oct of 2008 when I got pneumonia too. And it's happened to a few of my friends. I've temped and called out since, but this job I guess won't stand for it.
So where does that leave me now? I frantically called up all 10 agencies plus a few others. Noone had ANY work. Nothing. This is a common occurance in these days. I signed up for Care.com to provide babysitting, pet sitting, and elderly help while I'm free during the day. The problem is, I am looking for work and won't be free for too long. I keep trying to think of what else I can do....
I started thinking about doing flute lessons. I've played for 21yrs, and I'm aight, but I am not a band teacher. Band teachers have skills and knowledge that Id on't have. They know techniques that may help the students play better that maybe I don't know. I can probably do a better job teaching someone to play initially (as in they've never played the instrument at all before), and teaching them to read music (that I think I'm qualified to do, but the performance aspect, no). I actually wouldn't mind teaching kids how to read music. The problem is, it takes a long time. What if I get a job? *sigh* I don't know. Whatever I do on the side, is a temporary thing, as is most of the work I do nowadays. Temporary. Everything in my damn live is TEMPORARY. I dont know from one day to the next where I'll be. I dont know if I can stay in my apt, but I hope I can manage to pull thru long enough to find a REAL JOB. Money's getting tighter and tighter, and my UE gets lower and lower as time goes on. Next year's UE will be completely unliveable. So I have to get a job before next April 6, 2011. If I don't, it's welfare for me. There'll be no options at that point. I won't be a nurse yet by that date, even if I do the LPN. I failed hte LPN math test last time. I was thinking about trying it again.
The only program at night is the one in Piscataway. But that means I will have to give up band. I promised myself I woudln't . Its the only thing I have left that I enjoy. If I give that up, I'll be pretty miserable. And it's gonna take years for me to become a nurse since I have to work. If only Id idnt have to work. If only I had a roof over my head for 2yrs for free somehow. I have to work to pay rent. But theres only one option, living on a college campus if I get 100% housing financing, which I probably won't cuz I "make too much money". HA! I still find that amusing that I'm considered ineligible for aid when I'm on unemployment, have been for the last two years and earned a wage temping that is nearly impossible to live on. But Uncle Sam says I make too much money.
Fuck you, Uncle Sam! If it weren't for all your stupid rules and clauses, I'd probably beat this and be back on track and be a NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL LIFE again. But you are holding me back! You'll give EOF (the aid i need) to all these ghetto kids that were in my math class who are rude, disrespectful, stupid, idiots, and thugs who are probably gonna be in fucking jail in a few years anyway, than to help someone w/ no criminal history, who's worked all t heir life and who's trying to get off unemployment.
As this fight goes on I really sometimes think that I am destined to live this way. I kill myself trying to get back what I had but I get nothing. Everything I do, I hit so many roadblocks. I really don't know what else to do. I want my old life back. I really see my future as me living on welfare in a roach infested old motel somewhere in Asbury Park. Only then,will the government help me. But poverty isn't a yellow brick road. Either that or I'll end up in jail too. Just like the low class degenerate I've become. And this is why its hard for me to be happy. I used to be successful, and now I have nothing. Someone's gotta help me if I'm ever gonna get out of poverty. But noone will.
I know the best thing for me is to adjust to my new life. Surround myself with other people in poverty and just adapt. But I can't. I didn't grow up this way, and I won't settle. I want to be ME again. This isn't me. The person I see in the mirror is someone with shitty luck in life, who lives off whatever comes her way, beaten down by stress, always worrying about what'll happen next, dealing with one catastrophe after the next.
Thats not me. The Me I remember was successful, stable, happy, had a good job, lots of friends around, traveled and enjoyed life.
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