Food

One short statement! I love my own cooking!!! I know its self absorbed to say but I really do love my own food! It tastes better than most restaurants I eat at. I made a new recipe I saw on rthe food network at 2am the other day. Chicken cutlet, slit stuffed with fresh parsley, garlic, oregano, sea salt and lemon zest, and topped w the same stuff, including some dry sherry. I'm eating it right now and I feel like I'm out for dinner at a nice restaurant! I haven't cooked in a while. Been so busy temping and in school, I've been eating granola bars and oatmeal mostly. So glad I can cook again. But unforch my UE renews on tues and it'll be a much lower amoumnt so this week I'm enjoying the culinarily advanced food, before its back to oatmeal amd food pantry shit next week.

What else can I do?

So my temp job is no more. I was feeling sick Sunday and this morning so I called out because I have an insanely busy schedule and thoguht if I had one day to rest I could make it better through the week. Well around 11am, the agency called saying they didn't need me any more. They just said it wasn't working out. WTF?! So why end it now, why not Friday? Why not last week? Bullshit. This happened to me in Oct of 2008 when I got pneumonia too. And it's happened to a few of my friends. I've temped and called out since, but this job I guess won't stand for it.

So where does that leave me now? I frantically called up all 10 agencies plus a few others. Noone had ANY work. Nothing. This is a common occurance in these days. I signed up for Care.com to provide babysitting, pet sitting, and elderly help while I'm free during the day. The problem is, I am looking for work and won't be free for too long. I keep trying to think of what else I can do....

I started thinking about doing flute lessons. I've played for 21yrs, and I'm aight, but I am not a band teacher. Band teachers have skills and knowledge that Id on't have. They know techniques that may help the students play better that maybe I don't know. I can probably do a better job teaching someone to play initially (as in they've never played the instrument at all before), and teaching them to read music (that I think I'm qualified to do, but the performance aspect, no). I actually wouldn't mind teaching kids how to read music. The problem is, it takes a long time. What if I get a job? *sigh* I don't know. Whatever I do on the side, is a temporary thing, as is most of the work I do nowadays. Temporary. Everything in my damn live is TEMPORARY. I dont know from one day to the next where I'll be. I dont know if I can stay in my apt, but I hope I can manage to pull thru long enough to find a REAL JOB. Money's getting tighter and tighter, and my UE gets lower and lower as time goes on. Next year's UE will be completely unliveable. So I have to get a job before next April 6, 2011. If I don't, it's welfare for me. There'll be no options at that point. I won't be a nurse yet by that date, even if I do the LPN. I failed hte LPN math test last time. I was thinking about trying it again.

The only program at night is the one in Piscataway. But that means I will have to give up band. I promised myself I woudln't . Its the only thing I have left that I enjoy. If I give that up, I'll be pretty miserable. And it's gonna take years for me to become a nurse since I have to work. If only Id idnt have to work. If only I had a roof over my head for 2yrs for free somehow. I have to work to pay rent. But theres only one option, living on a college campus if I get 100% housing financing, which I probably won't cuz I "make too much money". HA! I still find that amusing that I'm considered ineligible for aid when I'm on unemployment, have been for the last two years and earned a wage temping that is nearly impossible to live on. But Uncle Sam says I make too much money.

Fuck you, Uncle Sam! If it weren't for all your stupid rules and clauses, I'd probably beat this and be back on track and be a NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL LIFE again. But you are holding me back! You'll give EOF (the aid i need) to all these ghetto kids that were in my math class who are rude, disrespectful, stupid, idiots, and thugs who are probably gonna be in fucking jail in a few years anyway, than to help someone w/ no criminal history, who's worked all t heir life and who's trying to get off unemployment.

As this fight goes on I really sometimes think that I am destined to live this way. I kill myself trying to get back what I had but I get nothing. Everything I do, I hit so many roadblocks. I really don't know what else to do. I want my old life back. I really see my future as me living on welfare in a roach infested old motel somewhere in Asbury Park. Only then,will the government help me. But poverty isn't a yellow brick road. Either that or I'll end up in jail too. Just like the low class degenerate I've become. And this is why its hard for me to be happy. I used to be successful, and now I have nothing. Someone's gotta help me if I'm ever gonna get out of poverty. But noone will.

I know the best thing for me is to adjust to my new life. Surround myself with other people in poverty and just adapt. But I can't. I didn't grow up this way, and I won't settle. I want to be ME again. This isn't me. The person I see in the mirror is someone with shitty luck in life, who lives off whatever comes her way, beaten down by stress, always worrying about what'll happen next, dealing with one catastrophe after the next.

Thats not me. The Me I remember was successful, stable, happy, had a good job, lots of friends around, traveled and enjoyed life.

Upcoming Cruise, Concerts and Birthday Madness

So today it's March 20! 2 months and 2 weeks til my cruise!!!! For those who don't know, my friend found a super cheap deal on a carnvial cruise 2 weeks before my 30th bday! I happened to have that money from my college refund (thankfully, otherwise i couldn't go). Alot of people can't come due to money issues, so its just me and my friend Jen going. I can't wait! I haven't been on a cruise since 1988. I do remember it pretty well, but it was a disney cruise. It wasnt super Disney-fied though. I think that was really once you got to the theme parks. This is my first cruise as an adult. The ship has piano bars , 2 bars with pools in them, huge theateres, 5 pools (other htan the bars) and lounges with a live orchestra. It reminds me of the 40s. I can't wait to go! I'm trying to think of what to wear when I go. I need like 3 nice outfits and I want to TRY not to overpack like I tend to always do. Shit, for one night in Atlantic City, I borought a full duffel bag worth of shit. And forget about when Iwent to Spain! I'm a compulsive over-packer!

I have 2 dresses that I can wear and I need a 3rd nice outfit. I wanna look really nice cuz I dont get to go out too much anymore with the unemployment situation. Gotta make sure to do nice makeup and hair. Basically what I do when I make the effort is a red-carpet kinda thing. I want to look like I have money....even tho' I'm pretty poor =/. I am gonna try not to think about the cruise now but DAMMIT its so hard! lol I really want to go NOW! But the timing is poi-fecto! Right before my 30th! We had to make some sacrifieces tho'. We were gonna get a cabin w/ a balcony and a bigger room, but we had to downgrade to the tiny room w/ 2 twins and a window w/ a lifeboat in the way haha. But its not like we're gonna spend any time in the room. I call the top bunk tho (i think the cruise site says our room has a 3rd bunk bed!) I dont get to sleepin them too much. I had one stipulation about the cabin, which I told Jen, who booked it, is that we WEREN'T in what I like to call "Immigrant Class" (think of the Titanic's lower decks that housed all the immigrants coming to America) lol. I didn't want to be way in the bottom of the ship. I don't know why. We are actually on the 7th deck up. I think there are 12 decks, so we're in the middle. So my inner diva is satisfied.

I was supposed to have a bunk bed (back to that topic...)when I went camping in May, but unfortunatly I can't go cuz we have our final concert that night and I'm a soloist. [ =) and =( at the same time. ] I'm glad I'm FINALLY a soloist, but it sucks that the final concert is during camping week. And eff me for not making sure before I booked. I lost 30 dollars on the cabin but i am not gonna ask my friends for it back. Its just a loss. But I guess I will have to use the fact that I'm a soloist to overshadow that alot of my friends will be up in NY camping while I'm on stage that night. *sigh*

So today I was watching the NCIS marathon. I dont know much about this show other than its kind of like CSI which I used to watch w/ my ex, not so much me on my own. But Michael Weatherly is in NCIS and I luv him! He was on Dark Angel too. So I mostly watch it cuz of him. he's funny too. Nice to watch a show that isn't reality. Thats all I watch is reality shows nowadays. Holla Celebrity Rehab!!!! haha

Michael Weatherly

I picked up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon tonight just because its Saturday and I have no plans. I had Vietnamese for dinner and I love having wine w/ asian foods. It goes nicely together in my opinion.

This is what I had (Bo luc lac). Its a vietnameses dish made with filet mignon (of course it has to be my fave, its expensive!!!) with vietnamese spices and sauces. Served w/lettuce and white rice.

Theres a really nice Vietnamese restaurant 1mi from my house and I was thinking tonight that I might want to have my bday dinner there. But it's so small. I dont know how many people are gonna come yet. I guess I'll see what the RSVP is in June to make a decision. I know the owners cuz I go there so much so i'm worried if I make a reservation and they hold a big table adn ppl dont show up, the owners will get mad at ME! So I dunno.... There are no shortage of restaurants here though but I love asian food and everyone has had their bdays at the thai restuarants so I want to do NON thai for my bday. We'll see.

I also have a Carvel icecream cake in my freezer from a few days ago. I love those things! I think everyone has a vice...cigs, alkee, drugs. Mine is carvel cakes! I am seriously addicted! I can stand there and eat it til my stomach hurts. Lovely cuz I'm lactose intolerant too but I can handle a certain amt of ice cream (not much whole milk in ice cream).

Lets see what else... I'm really bored. I wanna go to bed early tonight cuz theres a Concerto Competition tomorrow in Deal (rich town) up the coast and Iwant to go. Its for kids tho' but hte winner gets to play w/ the Monmouth Symphony next season. The concerto competition is free for subscibers, which I am, but its at 10am. Me and mornings dont' mix but I really do want some free entertainment. I subscribe to 3 symphony orchestras: The Monmouth Symphony, Garden State Philharmonic,and the New Jersey Symphony Orchestra. I thought there was a show this weekend,b ut its actually NEXT weekend. There are 2 shows. one on Sat (NJ Sym) and one on Sun (Monmouth Sym). So my dumb ass didnt' make any plans for this weekend. So I have to go to the concerto competition. The bad thing also is it ends early so what the hell am I gonna do for the rest of the day? Dunno. Maybe go to the mall and get some MAC Reflex Pearl pigment (makeup). I wanna do new looks for my shows.

The shows are coming up in the end of April. Our first show is at the Four Seasons. Its a new venue. The other ones are at churches and then Wall HS at the end. I dont know if any of my friends will come, but my cousin usually comes to all my shows, which is nice of him. So I'll have to give him the heads up. He works in NJ now. I'd like my friends to be there since I'm a soloist this season but.... we all know how that goes. I ve had a few friends come out in the past. Much luv to them! lol I really appreciate the support!

I walked 5 miles today after not exercising for 3wks. my front leg muscles hurt =/. My sneakers are also falling apart and hurting my foot so I have to buy new ones. I guess I'll buy better quality ones. I got these at KMart for 12 dollars. Figures.

So thats about it for now. This was just a boredom post. Not much gonna go on in April or May except my shows but I AM definitely excited about this round of em. And about the End of Season dinner! Its always at a fancy restaurant. Another reason to dress up! I love dressing up! I hope I have happy news in the days and weeks to come *crossing my fingers*.

Overworked

Just another school related rant...

I've been trying to figure out what's next w/ school. I found out the other day that the wait for my program is 3yrs! I don't think I'm on the later end of that waiting period, but more like in the middle (1.5-2yr) since I applied (they go by your apply date) in the Spring of 2009.

I know I can't stay where I'm at in my life for that long. I make very little money, not even enough to cover my expenses ( I had to delegate my car payment to my father and he reluctantly agreed - but not permanently), and I'm livnig off my college refund and my shitty temp and or UE checks. Not at all where I thought I'd be at this age =(.

I need to work. I need to make more money. So what can I do? I've applied at shit retail stores, restaurants,etc. Nothing. They won't hire me cuz all my work exp is corporate. They know I'm desperate. They know I'll leave the minute I get offered a real job that pays enough. I came back to school to become a nurse, rush thru it and basically kill myself getting thru full time. Now that hte wait is so long, therse no point in killing myself anymore. I killed myself for a year. I thought I was halfway done. I'm only 1/3. The nursing prog is 2.5yrs as a fulltime'er, which I can't be if I work. I dont have enuff UE or a decent weekly payment figure of UE to survive on it too much longer. i'm already one social class below what I used to be and not happy about it. I figured that what I'm making now, my annual income (if I dont get anything better) will be $4,000 above the federal poverty line. Again, never thought this would be where I would be at my age.

Its kinda hard to get past that.

Right now, I'm taking 4 classes but I count them as 5 since my Anatomy & Physiology course is really TWO classes and TWO grades. Here is my current schedule

Monday: Work 7 to 4, 2hr commute and break, Public Speaking from 6 to 9.

Tuesday: Work 7 to 4, 3 hour break to do whatever, Band rehearsal from 7 to 9.

Wednesday: Work 7 to 4, 2hour commute and break, Anatomy Lab from 6 to 8.

Thursday: Work 7 to 4, 2 hour commute and break, Premed Physiology (part of Anatomy &Phys) Lecture (and it drags!) from 6 to 10

Friday: Thank the heavenly stars above, I'm OFF!!!! but I usually crash at 8pm anyway haha.

Saturday: Childhood and Life Span Psychology from 2 to 5, then any friends are doing anything, I'll hang if I have the energy.

-------------------------------------------------

Now think of doing this, every year for the next 6 years. Well thats what my school expects of me!

I go to school solely on financial aid. If I dont' get it, I can't go. Period, point blank. I am way too poor, althought the government says not poor enough (even now! thats hard to believe) to get grants. I am gonna fight that determinatio though. I wouldnt be me if I didn't fight. thats all I seem to do nowadays is fight, bargain, and persuade people to give me what I WANT. I'd say I have about a 70% success rate w/ that. I'm a good persuader.

ANYWAY! So my school says I need to take 6 credits at all times to get financial aid. Right now, its not so bad to do 6, but later on, when each nursing course is 2 clinical days, a lecture and a lab (4 days), when the HELL am I gonna have the time/energy to take ANOTHER class?! I won't! Ican't not work. I think I've ridden out UE as far as it'll take me. Been on for 2yrs now. But all thats out there are low paying SHIT JOBS. So I do have to work. I can't stay anywhere for free, and have my shit handed to me on a silver platter like most other people. I tried arguing w/ the finanacial aid lady but she rushed me out (they always do) cuz there was a line. I want to see if there are other financial programs out there for me. My income is low. I'm not on welfare, but I'm considered 'poor' on all counts now. WHY CANT I GET FINANCING?! Kids hav ethe option for the most part to NOT work. But me, I can't. Its not easy for working adults to go to school.

I registered today. Reluctantly, I decided to take a class every night again except no Sats this time!. I am taking 7 credits. can't do 6 since the Science ones are 4 each. I dread having to run here and there every night running myself down, but for now the school wont' let me stay if I don't. I wish there were other options. I can't afford to pay for the classes one at a time. If I had a DECENT JOB I could. They're about $525 for a Monmouth co resident, each. Science is more. Probably close to $700. Thats not something I can do right now unless things change.

I feel like I'm trapped now. I kinda wanna stop school, but I want to be a nurse, but at this pace, will I even pass? I'll be so worn out by the time I get into the program. The info session and some friends have said that most people DO NOT succeed in the program if they work full time. So i'd be going in with most of the odds against me. I was never a straight A student, or brainiac. So going from how I am , to a super student is a far stretch. I already study every moment I have free. My grades this semester are eh. Last semester I didn't work and I got All As and Bs. I just dont have enough free time to dedicate to this. So I don't know.

The only solutions are:

Get a REAL JOB that pays a liveable wage again (which basically don't exist right now). And pay for one class at a time out of pocket, lessening the course load.

See if I can get approved to live on Campus (only choice is Rutgers) so my housing will be paid for, wait til car is paid off next yr, and bills (with school refund hopefully) and quit working as long as I get 100% housing (but I probably won't cuz htey dont think i'm poor enough).

Give up on school completely until I have some sort of way to stay afloat and just work 2 jobs to make ends meet. Logically, this is what I should be doing now. but I'm not ready to throw in th towel just yet. If there are no other options I'll see. I still wanna be a nurse but I need a place to live. I need to workunless theres a way for me not to for a few years and I HIGHLY DOUBT IT! I'm gonna have to start playing the lotto. But I won't win =/ But I can try. Even if I win $100,000 I can live off of that for a while. Ive been so poor these past few years, and with my car paid off next year, I can live on less than before. But I don't know.

I'm trapped. I just hope I don't fail. That means I will have wasted thousands of dollars that I have to pay back.

Once again, another pretty big problem thrown at me to handle. I feel like one of those jugglers on a unicyle. I'm really tired of all the bullshit and just wanna live like a NORMAL person again. I don't even know what that feels like anymore. I look at my friends moving up in the world and only imagine what it must be like (my old succeses before mean nothing anymore). I'm a spectator looking in now. I have nothing in common w/ my friends anymore (except the few unemployed ones who understand what its like). They are allmoving up in the world and I'm moving further and further down into poverty. We are now in 2 different worlds. Thats why I dont see my employed friends much. It makes me feel worse about this situation. They probably look down on me anyway, whether they want to admit it or not. Just a failure. Poor her. Look at what happened to 'her'. I know thats what most people think. But I'd probably think the same thing if I were them. Ijust want to be a normal person again.

With that being said, I gotta go to rehearsal.

End rant.

Ocean Grove Fire - Video and Photos

This morning I woke up with a mailbox full of texts and missed calls. I saw the last text was like "Is everything okay down by you?" Me like an idiot, responds "yeah, just cloudly and drizzling. Nothing major." (It was supposed to be raining bucketfuls due to a big Nor'easter coming this way.....again). I thought this person was gonna come down here for whatever reason and she was asking about the weather. I didn't read the other messages yet. I got up and went on Facebook and saw that there was a fire in Ocean Grove. It said it wiped out a whole block. I thought how the HELL could I sleep thru that?!

My windows are wide open all night (I have a down comforter and my neighbors smoke like chimneys), and I would've heard sirens. I 'm a light sleeper. Nothing. I read the APP (Asbury Park Press) and it was a developing story. The one picture was of firetrucks and water and it was from Bud McCormick, the Marching Band director of Jackson High school. My ex knows him. i know who he is. I thought he lived in the neighboring town, but he got the winning shot. Damn, I should submit pics to the APP!!! Maybe I'll make some $$$$! Note to self for next time!

I decide to leave for school and drive by the scene. First of all, anything west of Main was blocked off...

I finally weasled my way a little closer to the scene on Ocean Avenue. Every idiot (including me!)was trying to get a shot. The Neptune Emergency Management team was here too. Must have been a really big deal. All the people in those houses have nowhere to live now. I wanted to see if the damage was major or minor. At this distance, all I saw were firetrucks and the water spraying at the scene. It looks like a house was missing.

A little closer look below.

Here's the video I took of the same thing.

I went to school and halfway thru the lecture the power went out. Then it went back on. Then it went out again. It finally went out one last time and the wind picked up speed outside. You could hear the howling. We sat in a dark classroom and the teacher let us go. Yay! Kinda. I was supposed to be at Kristina and Sandy's at 6, then go to my show at either 7 (for the Preconcert Talk) or 8 for the actual show. I still had tons of time to kill. Ended up sitting in my car. Then I went over there and hung out w/ er'body, and saw my show (The Garden State Philharmonic).

That's a pic I snapped of them tonight. The show was nice, as always, glad I got all my tickets in advance, and I headed home. I hoped we had power since the power in Red Bank had gone out. I didnt want to have to throw shit out of my fridge/freezer. I dont have much. Ive been eating tons of oatmeal *gag* to save money and lose weight. I'm so sick of oatmeal though. I swung by where the fire was to see if I could get any closer.

There were cops blocking the road but only one side, the other side had a barricade up that fell down, so..... I drove right in! Fuck that! I saw that not one house fell but about FOUR houses were wiped out. Gone completely! Another house on the left (behind the POD) is gutted by the flames. Wow.... There are some fire hoses still spraying water automatically on the site.

Thats the thing about towns like this with Victorian houses... they're so close together and they're prone to fires. They spread quickly. I like to read those history books about the shore towns where they show how the towns looked in the 1800s. Asbury Park and Ocean Grove used to have huge hotels. Bigger than what they have now (they're mostly Bed and Breakfasts and although some are big, I'm talking 4x the size). When they explain why they're not standing today, it always says "the structure was destroyed by fire." It seems like every old hotel, or place that is no longer HERE was destroyed by fire. I hope that doesn't happen here. With all the god damn smokers in this house!!! I dont know where I'd go if this place burned down. I wonder if FEMA places you (for free) in a home somewhere or if you're just out on the streets.... Something to think about. That was my day today. So many events in one day.

***Edit 1:37am - Word is the Manchester Inn got burned down and yet another hotel to be "destroyed by fire". It was supposedly "haunted" (I don't believe in ghosts or paranormal shit), and they had a murder mystery dinner theater there. Such a shame.

Asbury Park Press article on fire

Video of houses falling down...

Ocean Grove Fire

Orchestra Level Stuff!

After I got my latest financial aid refund, I put most of it aside, but decided to get something for MYSELF (like always!) You can't live your life miserable cuz you have no money ALL THE TIME! I'm in a band, actually two of em (one is in the summer, one is the rest of the year). Although we have some challenging music, some times, the selection is pretty easy. I subscribe to 3 symphony orchestras, brought to you buy the kind folks at the federal government who refunded money to me back in Oct! And Have been wanting to learn some songs at the Orchestral level which is higher than High School/College band level. I wanted something that could challenge me.

One day I came across the book above online, but for piccolo. It had excerpts from famous symphonies, other works, and some ballets. I bought it and I loved it! It exposed me to so many new songs I'd never hear in the bands I play in (since it's not a symphony orchestra, but a concert band).

The music even makes me go 'Holy Shit!' sometimes when I look at it. Like below...

I think even if you CAN'T read music, you'd know that that's hard stuff. The more lines on the groups of notes, the faster they are. Those are 32nd notes. 4 of them equal half a beat.

Yeah.... lol

There are alot of ballets like the one below. I really started to love the ballets, and the problem is, the music is HARD to find. You can't just go and order a flute part to Petruchka by Stravinsky online. You can order the whole score, but not just one part. So this book gives you small sections (common for auditions, but I'm not auditioning for anything). Its a way to get 30 songs in a $45 book.

There are songs by all the famous composers, but I have to say, I'm not a fan of the Viennese/German composers (ie Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Brahms etc..). Yeah, yeah I know they're really great and they were really young and wrote 43-9023957043 million symphonies in their lifetime, but I'm not into their style. I really like the Russian composers (mostly Shostakovich, Tchaikovsky and Stravinsky) and the French composers (Debussy, Saint Saens, Faure and Hue) much better! The russians take the top spot. Just like in figure skating (well, pairs and ice dancing).

This one ^ Chant du Rossignol is cool, but I wish there was more of it. Theres a second part on the next page that's a cadenza. But I can't find much of the song on Youtube. The reason is cuz its a BALLET! It has lots of acts and its really hard to find where in the ballet the solo excerpts are. Somtimes it takes me hours to find them. then I favorite them and make a mental note where they are in the piece.

My fave ballet is still the flute solo from Daphne et Chloe. That ballet is really hard!!!!! Sometimes its in 7 sharps! Not really used to that many sharps. I think I can play in 4#s (#=sharp) comfortably which is the key of E. And can play in 5#s (key of B) ok but i forget about the A#s sometimes. But 7?! Yeah. I can play the famous solo. But the whole ballet has some cool parts. I have the full score I found online for free somewhere. I just really wish I could play these things with a group, like a symphony orchestra, or the orchestra of the ballet of .....wherever! That'll never happen. So youtube is the new best thing. I'm glad theres a youtube. I dont knwo what I did without it all those years. Best site ever!!!

I want tosee if i can find more books that have excerpts or full parts to BALLETS....somewhere. I have to start asking music professionals if they have any idea. But I need to slow down. I'm poor. Dont wanna blow thru the savings, but I will do things for myself now n' then just because I want to enjoy life to some extent. Things have been so shitty and I'm far from happy. Sometimes if I get a little joy in my life, it helps.

Oh, and I got a few solos for this spring concert w/ Greater Shore! I'm on the oboe part and I'm soooo glad I finally get solos again. I never thought I would in this band cuz I sit so far back. Its seating policy is senority based. I'm pretty new so I'm towars the back. I may play the oboe part from now on just SO I can get solos. I'll never get em as a flute player unless the director LETS me do it, but... I think he just gives it to the first or second chair person.

So thats that for now. Gonna go move to my comfy bed in a few. Been a long week! And a bad storm is a-comin' to the Northeast.............again. =/ No jogging this weekend I guess.

And once again, the paragraphs are run the HELL together. I've been trying to fix them but it doesn't ever seem to take. So annoying! I think I said this last time too. I give up w/ this shit.