The Psychology of Me

Well, sometimes I fascinate myself. I do not have extensive knowledge of psychology, but I analyze things I do and say sometimes, trying to search for the deeper meaning of things.

So lately, I find my mind is being a bad chica on me, and I'm really shocking myself. It all goes back to my ex. Who basically said he wanted to be with me, yet rejected me constantly. He'd never make time for me, or talk to me, or make any long term plans w/ me, yet still swore I was the one for him. It was very confusing.

I don't have low self esteem. I think its okay. I mean I definitely don't think I'm all that at ALL! But I have average self esteem I guess. I am who I am. *shrug*.

My ex's constant rejection of me left my ego pretty bruised. I started to wonder what was wrong with ME, since he didn't seem to want me (he only wanted me sometimes. but that won't cut it in a relationship). I was very =( for a long time, and there are def days where I continue to be.

Sometimes my mind tries to reassure itself that I'm not completely fucked up or something. I find myself liking people who remind me of him. Theres one in particular. I won't mention his name cuz some people know him. Theres been a few people I've liked. This guy I just feel something for but I just can't put my finger on it. But the problem is , he's alot older than me. I don't know his real age but I know this can't be pretty. I am not trying to be with him. I'm not trying for anything. The constant rejection of my ex has made me seek attention elsewhere. I'm not into guys hitting on me. I actually hate it. I hate cheap lines and such. I just want to know that I'm still 'wantable'. This stems from the rejection I got from my ex. I know it! I just want ppl to look at me. I want ppl to flirt w/ me (but ask me to come home w/ you and you kill it, and I'm so done w/ you ! lol I'm not a whore!) I dont' want anything physical w/ these people. I just want them to LOOK but not touch. If I get what I want, I feel better. I hate that I'm some attention seeking whore now. Well not whore, but attention-seeking-whore. Difference. =)

So this dude. I've known him for a year. He reminds me of my ex. He has certain mannerisms that my ex had. He has a certain way about him that was like my ex. He has the same job as my ex. Why do I find myself looking at him like I have a crush on him? His age freaks me out big time. He doesn't look his age (which is only a guess, since I dont know his real age), but I just look at him differently. For a while I wanted to just talk to him. Do I think that its gonna replace something that was missing? I don't know. I want to get him to smile and laugh and flirt w/ me. and then I'm happy. He did. Tonight. And I feel so happy. But why?

I mean I know why, but I just dont' know why I seek this from people who remind me of B (the ex). I guess its to validate myself. He didn't want me. So I want other people to. Just dont' want it to go further than looking. It'd be pretty dangerous if I was the type to take things further. Luckally I'm not. *whew*. so I still have to see this person. I'm trying to talk myself out of this lil' crush I have cuz I know its not real. I know its just to make myself feel like SOMEONE wants me. Since B never seemed to. I just hate that this guy is so much like B. I guess this is just a phase. I've been thru alot these past 4 yrs. I guess this is how I heal from it, and cope w/ it. I just hope I stop liking these people, so I can really like someone I can really be with. And I'd prefer him not to remind me of my ex. But everyone I've liked since HAS.... Sometimes it seems so hopeless.

Its so weird that I analyze and understand my own psyche.

Kayaking Adventure #1 Raritan River & Surrounding Creeks

Since I got my kayak, I have only really used it in the ocean a few times, and the bay alot of times. I guess thats how I built up my stregnth because I fought the tides and currents from the beginning. I wanted to get this kayak mostly to explore places that I ordinarily couldn't get to by foot. Now that it's September (hey, its still summer til Sept 21st!!), I realized that I haven't gone on any ADVENTURES. I say this in my videos that this is different than a trip. I'll get to that in a second. I have been busy temping this summer mostly, then taking a nursing class, and then the laziness bug set in. But being the Procrastination Queen that I am, I will do them all at the LAST MINUTE! I don't own a wetsuit/drysuit so I can't kayak once the water temperatures go below 65 degrees. The ocean's at 76 right now, and I'm sure lakes and rivers are much warmer.
So the difference between Kayak ADVENTURE and Kayak TRIP is:

Trip: Just a phyisical 'put-the-kayak-on-the-car' deal, going to a planned destination other than where its docked. (example: paddling in a confined lake with nothing to explore, or a bay. If there are islands, tidelands, saltmarshes and coves, it would be an adventure).

Adventure: Going to a destination but also an expedition/exploration of the roads less traveled. Going somewhere you normally can't GET to.

WHERE I WENT:
The Raritan River in Middlesex County New Jersey runs from the Princeton area, out to the Raritain Bay in Old Bridge, which goes out into the ocean. There are alot of creeks and streams that stem off the Raritan River into the cattails and reeds. That is where I wanted to go.



If anyone has ever gone up the NJ Turnpike northbound side, after passing exit 9, on the right, you go over a bridge over the river. There was a huge old ferry docked there since 1982. That ferry was an old Staten Island Ferry commissioned in 1937 and bought by a local East Brunswick man, George Searle in the 1970s. He owned a now derelilct marina at the end of Schoolhouse Rd in East Brunswick (you can't get there that way though since it's gated and there are workers there during the day.) The ferry was docked at this location since 1982 and has stood there decaying til last year,when the state sued George Searle after the permit for the boat ran out. There were accusations that it was a low level risk to the environment. The ferry was dismantled and sold as scrap metal, I read last nite. I still decided to go along with the trip , since I needed to go up to Edison to pick up my paycheck from temping so I can pay my rent (todays the last day that it's considered 'on time'). I thought the Shah of Iran's yacht would still be there as it was in the pics, and I wanted to see if I can get into some of those little creeks and streams off the main river.

I came out and saw my landlord was HERE again, and he kinda gave me that 'where's the rent' look. I was like 'I'm on my way to pick up my paycheck and I was gonna leave it in your mailbox tonight after dinner.' He was like, oh ok. And I got the kayak up on the car and headed up there. It was a pain driving on the parkway with that thing. I could only drive 57mph before the boat started shaking. So I kept it at 55 on cruise control. I was worried about driving over the Driscoll Bridge on the parkway, that huge bridge that goes over the Raritan bay. I tied the kayak down really tight, and made it. Got my check, cashed it, and called my dad on a payphone cuz my cell is down, asking him if he wanted to have dinner. That is heathertalk for '' can you buy my poor ass dinner?'' I also told him that I'd pay him the $130 I owe him. So he was like 'OKAY!' I picked the Cheesecake factory. Now that that was set, I was on my way, but first a quick stop at McFucks.

McFucks. A very modern McFucks. I gotta call it what Frankie Nichelle calls it! Its just on my nerves with it running out of food/soda/icecream, so McFucks it is!

Video: Madame Tussaud's new wax figure lineup, as advertised in McDonalds.

Lovely! God knows what kind of shit is in the water, if there's a landfill right next to it!



When I got the kayak to the launching ramp, some white trash guy told me i was 'crazy' for going out on the river. I asked why. He said its very windy on the water. I said I don't feel any wind. He was like 'you'll see.'

The boat launch. Here I go!

I had to paddle about a mile upstream fighting the current. Then I got to the boat graveyard, but first some crabs...

Video-Blue Crab Babies

All that's left of the Ferry is it's hull =(.

The remnants.

Spying on the Shipyard.

The top of the Ferry, separated from the rest.

The hull.

Vide0-Mary Murray remains.

What the Mary Murray Staten Island Ferry used to look like. It was going to be converted into a restaurant, but it never materialized, so it was left to rust in East Brunswick's tidelands.

This was what the Shah of Iran's yacht looked like. I'm bummed it wasn't there anymore.

Where the Shah of Iran's yacht used to be. This creek is No Name Creek. See vid for more on that. At low tide, the bottom is all mud in the distance and I can't get back there. But I go in here on my way back at high tide. This is the entrance off the main river. Its marked by a 43 channel marker.

Birdy Love.

I headed under towards the Turnpike bridge, towards the New Brunswick section of the Raritan River.

Turnpike Bridge.

Underneath the Turnpike Bridge. Lots of Rutgers graffiti.

Route 1 bridge in the distance.

Looking back under the bridge.

I think petrolium is oil right? In Europe they call gas "Petrol". Anyway, theres a pipe under the river. Its pretty cool how they get it in there.

Old dock from days long gone.

Route 1 Bridge connecting New Brunswick (left) with Edison (right).

Geology of the river.

A Heron. They usually don't move that much but this one didn't care. lol

A creek off the Raritan River that went towards the Turnpike again.

I headed back, against the tide now, and decided that since it wasn't yet time to meet my dad, I would explore No Name Creek next to the boat graveyard. The tide was high enough to go in there now. Before it was just mud. This was much more exciting than the river itself!

A side creek off No Name Creek that goes...somewhere. The tide was too low to go in there.

Going around the bend of a very twisty No Name Creek.


Not sure where I'm going or what I'll find....

Video-No Name Creek.

On my way down No Name Creek. Nothing but wilderness, frogs, and herons out here.

You can see how shallow it is.





A dead end grotto. Another rocky shallow bottom. I got stuck for a minute.

I decided to turn around after this bridge (either the turnpike again or Rt 18. The bottom got really rocky and shallow and it was getting late.

Going back was really hard, since the tide was coming in, and it seemed to take FOREVER! I saw another kayaker coming up by me, he had a long kayak that goes a hell of alot faster than mine. The longer, the faster. Mine is 9ft. Its long enuff cuz its a pain to transport it on land. I finally made it back to the Edison Boat Basin!


Home Port!! Exhausted, but I made it back against the incoming high tide!

When I got ashore, the same white trash guy was surprised I made it and he was wondering where I was since I was gone so long. Whatevs. I got out and dragged the boat to the car, used the port a potty (i had no choice!! i don't pee in the woods or the water! its nasty!) then asked the guy, whose name was Tom to help me put the boat on the car top. He wasn't much help. The point in asking for help is so the kayak never touches the top of the car. He put it in the car top *sigh*. Anyway, he proceeded to tell me he ''likes a woman who's into the outdoors.'' he asked if i was into guys his age (late 50s id think) and I was like, 'not really but you're really nice for helping me w/ the boat.' *roll eyes*. He asked if my ''boyfriend'' likes to kayak with me. I said 'what boyfriend? even when I had one, he wouldn't commit to any plans in advance so we didn't do too much outdoorsy shit.' I cut the convo short, cuz I really didn't wanna talk about my Ex, since it would make me =( , so I told him I had to meet my dad and I left.

I drove up rt 1 towards Menlo Park Mall in Edison/Woodbridge, stopped at Wendys to change, and use those baby wipe things to clean off from the river ick that I had on me. Then met my dad at the cheesescake factory.

Cheesecake Factory


Whenever I have dinner with my dad, I must sacrifice my pride for a free meal. He embarasses me with his rudeness to waiters. We walked in and my dad is like' I'm not into these fancy places. I want spanish food." I assumed there'd be tacos or something there to shut him up. The waiter came and my dad shoo'd him away with a gesture cuz he wasn't ready. *hides*. Then he came back and I ordered steak. I asked my dad if he was ready and I said "Look they have carne asada (spanish food). Why don't you get that? My dad, right infront of the waiter was like "I don't want that SHIT!!! I need a few minutes." After a few min, he decided to get the carne asada after all. Then snapped his fingers at the waiter to bring him butter for the bread. *hides again*. The food was good. My dad was not happy with his food and he said so. He's like ''this isn't REAL carne asada, this is some bullshit immitation." I said "we're not at a Puerto Rican restaurant, what do you want?!" I had to pay him some money I owe him =/ which I was not wanting to do. But I need to be on his good side since I'm on strictly unemployment from here on out til at least late December. And money's gonna be super tight. Tighter than before. Temping doesn't pay much and neither does unemployment so, the noose around my neck has tightened. I might see if he can pay my car one month to give me some relief. tee hee.

After dinner, I put my rent in my landlord's mailbox, and headed home. I stopped at McFucks to pee again. On my way out of the parking lot, someone pulling IN beeped. I thought they were gonna tell me a tail light was out or something (y0u know how these damn cops are around here!) and I wanted to know what they wanted. It was some thug, driving a beat up old Mercury. He was like "Ey Shawty! Whats dat?" Meaning my kayak. Seriously? You have no idea what that is??? I said ''a kayak'' and he was like,''ohhhhh you be doin' dat? it good? i mean it fun n' shit? I been wantin to do dat one day!" I was like "Yeah its a pain in the ass to get aorund but its worth the trouble." Then he started with the " My name is (insert ghetto name here. I don't remember what it was). You gotta man?" With that I was like "Well I gotta rush home and pick someone up. See you later!" hahah. I got home just in time to watch the Michael Jackson funeral, just to have the family cut the video feed right as the casket came in =(.

I had a great kayak adventure and can't wait for my next one....once I do laundry cuz i'm outta shorts and bathing suits!

FIN !

Would've been 51 years...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL!!!!!

We miss you! =(

I'm watching nonstop Michael Jackson vids on tv today. He's having a birthday bash in NY tonight and I wish I could've gone. Noone was gonna go as of last week, and I def won't go by myself (its no fun). So I'll just pay tribute this way. I still wanna have some kinda Michael Jackson related party. Just not here. Casa de Heather is muy small. How else can I afford to live a block from the ocean!? I live in a NYC sized apartment! Hope you all are watching Michael vids too! All these MJ specials make me wish I had a dvd recorder. I use to tape shows alot. But now that vcrs are obsolete, I haven't gotten a dvd recorder. I have a perfectlly good DVD PLAYER sans DVR. Theres alot of unseen news footage on Michael that's being shown now. THey'll probably never play it again. Unforch a DVD recorder is too exp for right now since the rent is due like ...Tuesday! So, I may have to try to buy it off someone onlne somewhere on a DVD.

MJ shit goes thru the night! I can't believe he took all those sedatives, and then used Diprivan to fall asleep. WTF yo?

''You're playin' with your life! This ain't no truth or dare!" Wished he could've followed his own advice =(.

Libra - The sign of scales

I'm not a Libra though but I DO wanna shed this extra poundage I've gained over the past two years. I was never a twig...I was more the athletic body type..but w/ boobs and an ass =/. I look at pics of myself prior to Xmas of 2006 and that's the me I remember. THIS me, I don't know. I'm so sick of all this excess fat. I can't believe I let myself go so far. Alot of it is from stress of a relationship, and then coupled w/ unemployment related stress. But mostly the relationship!! Although I was the one eating my sorrows away and drugging myself with sleeping pills so I wasn 't awake and miserable. That combo has gotten me to the weight I'm at now.

I know its gonna take a long time to lose, since it took 2 plus year to gain. But I def wanna start. I love food and I love to cook! But I just have to eat smaller portions of the shit i like and walk and ice skate more! Ice skating is what I <3.

When I lived in NYC I had a scale in my hallway leading to the bathroom and I weighed myself everyday. I always knew where I was weight wise. I gained 15 lbs during my 21st yr and my 23rd year but quickly lost it.

When I left NY I apparently lost the scale or something and never weighed myself. I wore the same size for years and went up to the next size. I was on the borderline for it anyway. I knew I gained weight but realized that since I was still that same size I must be within reason. It wasn't til iwent to a friends house and weighed myself and saw that I weighed over 200lbs that I was like oh shit. I am tall so it doesn't LOOK like I weight over 200 but I do =(.

So today after I got my smally teeny tiny temp check of $176 (woohoo *roll eyes*) I went to Target to get a scale. I got a cool modern looking one. (ok there WERE cheaper ones, but you know me!) and it has alotta cool features for the price. I went to the Dr today due to mysterious stomach pain (still no answers but gonna go for tests), and i weighed 5lbs less than i did last time. I just ate too. I have been eating less, lots of granola bars (which might be th cause of my stomach pain it turns out) and I'm really gonna commit myself to losing this weight so I can be back to the athletic type physique I had before. I used to have skinny arms that bothered me. Now my chunky arms bother me! lol I'd rather have skinny arms! So am working on that.

I ate my dinner and am craving ice cream. But I'm too lazy to go get it. *good*. Its nice out and might go for a boardwalk stroll later tonight too. At least I can say I'm down 5lbs. Its a start! But I have a longggg way to go.

The Hills Are Alive.... With the Sound of Muuuusicccccc!

I HATE " The Sound of Music" I hated the movie! I hate the soundtrack! But sadly, when I think of it, I can't get the song out of my head. Or the picture of Julie Andrews on a hilltop in Switzerland or wherever she's supposed to be, twirling so 1950's happily on a hilltop. *cringe*

I just thought this would be an appropriate title. This post will also be a shortie, as I don't have too much to say on the topic.

Last night a friend and I started talking about music. I think it started by me saying I swiped a music folder from the Band Dinner, cuz there were 3 difficult pieces in there, and I wanted to do the last concert, but am not a good sight reader. She said she wishes she played an instrument and started asking Qs about it. I never really had to 'teach' anyone anything, but now that I think about it...music is COMPLICATED!

The person who asked is a hell of a lot smarter than I will ever be! So I'm not saying its compicated to insinuate that other people can't learn it. I'm saying that I can't believe ***I*** learned it!!! lmao! We all know I'm not the brightest star in the sky. When I started explaining shit, I realized that music is like learning to read a new language. Its kinda like a form of heiroglyphics. I guess it took that conversation for me to realize that damn, I can do something that alotta people can't do! I never thougth of it like that. Nothing about me screams 'extraordinary', so its kinda cool that I can understand something that a small percentage of people understand. I honestly never thought about any of this before. I guess I naively thought most people could read music cuz most people I knew do.

People asked me the other day (while hanging out w/ my 2 neighbors and landlord on my porch), if I knew how to read music. I said yeah, and they were all like 'WOW!'. I kinda looked at them like they were crazy. But the thing is, me,and probably most musicians were trained at this since elementary school. So you don't really think about it much. You just do it. I started reading music at 9. Just your basic shit. Quarter notes, half notes, dotted half notes, and whole notes. Maybe some eighth notes. Jingle Bells type shit and Mary had a little lamb stuff too. Very simple. I was telling my friend that if she wants to play something, keyboard would be good to start on cuz you just hit a key, rather than rememeber a 1 to 14 key fingering like you do on flute and clarinet. If you have an Eflat, you hit the Eflat key. On flute, the Eflat fingering is every finger except the left pointer finger and left pinky.

Basic Xmas Music. This is actually for keyboard/vocals cuz of the Bass & Treble Clefs and the chords. But the top line is the melody. Very basic. Elementary school shit. Shit I first learned when I took over my dad's keyboard when i was 7yrs old.

I remember tyring to teach my other neighbor about clefs, time and key signatures. How confused she was. What a fermata was, what a slur and a trill was. Triplets, Sixtuplets, and Dectuplets (the one w/ 10 32nd notes to a beat? i guess i dont knwo the name of it either). I remember telling her I coudln't even begin to explain one of my pieces cuz it was syncopated and she was like "what?!" how most of its accented off beat. Syncopation is a pain. Its def my weak point. Along w/ s ight reading. Probably cuz its math. and if you know me, you know I'm horrible at math. Its all counting game.

I'm glad I'm not a music teacher, but I like explaining the stuff, cuz it makes me look like I can actually do something! So those of you who read music, stop and think about how much you DO know cuz something that you think nothing of, when put in front of you, is like gibberish to someone else. Its cool! I think its kinda like reading braille.

I def wanna teach my friend a little about music if she ever comes over. I have a keyboard. Its kinda cool to show someone how to do that. I hope I get the chance w/ them, or even someone else.

Oh and for those of you wondering why I took home the folder is cuz there's no way in hell I can sight read this (sight reading means we're having no rehearsal. Just performing this sight unseen). Yeah right. Will work on this tonight.

New Toys

Someone asked me what I'd buy if money weren't an object. I'm bored and have no work at my temp assign today (again), so I'll list them for your viewing pleasure!

**What I'd Buy If $ Were No Object**

Flat Screen Samsung or Sony LCD Tv for living room
Slightly Smaller one for bedroom, to be mounted on the wall.
Pay off the 7K I owe on my car, still.
Pay off all my bills and start working on rebuilding my credit.
Blue contact lenses (they're exp for me cuz I m nearsighted.)
Green contact lenses
Get ears fixed (cosmetic surg)
White Lexus SUV
A few more designer bags
Redo my kitchen. I rent, so I have no power to renovate. But landlord wouldn't care if I paid for it.
Redo carpet in living and bedrooms
New sink vanity.
Rain showerhead
Bowl sink (I <3 those!)
Persona trainer to the stars, so I can get back to my normal weight.
Nice new clothes insteada the simple cotton tees and black pants i always wear.
SHOES!!!
Lots of false eyelashes. I'd wear em more often if I had money to keep replacing them.
New entertainment console in living room
New more modern ceiling fan insteada that brass 1990s one my landlord put in
(notice how most ofmy shit is interior design related)
Renew my gym membership
DVD Recorder
New white rug for living room, since mine is virtually ruined now. C'est la vie!
Art for bedroom
Headboard
Nicer curtain rod for bedroom
Grocery gift certificates for my neighbah who won't take $ but she sometimes runsoutta groceries
A black market kidney for my friend who needs a transplant
Donate to cancer research, and other diseases ppl I know suffer from
Donate to stem cell research. A personal cause I believe in.
Donate to animal charities. Another personal cause.
Help homeless people with food.
Buy a cabin cruiser (boat)
Buy a jetski
Rent a marina slip.

That is all. For now =D

Nursing School - The Journey Begins!

So alot of you know that I decided to go back to school for nursing because A) I couldn't find a job in finance, marketing, pharma, or really ANYTHING, and B) it is an interesting field with lots of medical knowledge, and they're respected and shit, I'm a hypochondriac! So what better than to become a nurse. Although after taking the class, I must say that I'm a little more paranoid because I know MORE medical stuff than before. But that's another topic. Here's the story of my nursing class...

I was apprehensive about going back to school given my age. I know I look like I'm 23. Albeit a chubby 23yr old, but inside, is the brain of a 29 year old. The night before the class I had one of my friends over from the weekend. We had gone to Great Adventure, and then bullshit around Ocean Grove by the beach for a while. I had hoped to go to bed early. Didn't happen. I was awake all nite wondering what it would be like. Hoping I wouldn't be the oldest one in the class. Hoping they wouldn't make us work in groups. I hate group work! Hoping we didnt have to role play like in the American Management Association classes in NYC I had to take. I've been out of school for a long time so I'm a lil' rusty with thinking in non-corporate formats.

I watched the clock pretty much from 5am on. Then got up at 7, jumped over Kelly, who sleeps on an air mattress in my living room, threw some clothes on, popped in my contacts, brushed my teef, and ran outta there. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts on the way, realizing that my funds were dwindling down to the single digits now, but needed to be AWAKE for class. I didn't know what I needed to do and food DOES help with concentration. Which I do have a problem with. Especially during times of stress, which.....is like everyday when you're unemployed.

I get there 2 min before 8:30 as usual (I'm neva early!), and the only seat is in the front. Great. I look at the class and I see alot of young faces. Young like 18-20yr olds. Granted they may be older cuz I myself am constantly being told I look 23-25ish. But once I heard the girls talk, I realized they MUST be young because they were immature as HELL. I felt like I was in a high school classroom. Then a few older people walked in. Thank god. I didn't know where I stood as far as age. Was I the oldest? At least there were a few who I believed to be in their late 20s early 30s.

The first day wasn't so bad. It was pretty quick. Learned alot of stuff, intro'd the class, and stuff like that.

The second day, we were in a different room. I got there a little earlier that day so I sat in the BACK of the class. I noticed when I pulled up that the parking lot was filled with luxury cars. Benzes, BMWs, Audis, Lexuses, Infinitis, Acuras, etc. My car was always regarded as a 'nice car', altho' its not a luxury car by any means. But my car looked like a lil' pauper in the lot of shiny sparkly rich people cars.

Upon sitting in my seat in the back, I looked at the other people and saw that almost everyone had designer bags. Now don't get me wrong, I had designer bags when I was 20yrs old too! So I'm not gonna judge since I had them too, but I did have a full time job and bought them myself! I don't know these back stories, but something tells me if you are 20, and you have a Mercedes (that you presumeably bought) you probably wouldn't have money left over to buy designer bags. How much can you possibly make at 20? Its safe to assume that daddy furnished his lil' princess with a Benz, and Burberry tote bag. They also all had iPhones, voyagers, or Blackberrys. I don't know why I was annoyed by this, cuz I also have what these chicks had (minus luxury car. I never made enough $ to buy one, but if I didn't have rent I could! =D lol) Anyway in this class we learned how to take pulses and stuff. I started noticing the princessy nature of alot of these girls. Alot of em just put their fingers lightly on other people's wrists and were like " ugh, I can't DO this!!!"

Whenever we had lunch break (a measly 30 minutes - where everything was like 15 min away from the campus), I felt ashamed to get into my Toyota Corolla while these chicks got into their shiny luxe cars. There were a few average cars. An SUV, a nissan something or other, and some kinda white car. Everything else though was luxury. I usually went to McDonalds but by the 2nd or 3rd day, I was almost out out of money. So I bought a box of Granola bars due to their protein content. Helps with concentration. Trust me, I need ALL the help i can get in that area! I'm a horrible concentrator. I sometimes think I have ADD, but was told I don't. I was told its stress changing my brain pysiology and to fix the stressful problems in my life. Ha! Find me a good paying job, and that eliminates alot right there. since that hasn't happened, making sure I eat lots of protein is ESSENTIAL, esp in school.

So my breakfast was a granola bar the rest of classes, and my lunch usually was too. I was still fucking starving, since the granolas are only 110 calories. I'm sure I lost a lil'weight during that time. But come paycheck time, I usually splurge =/.

Second week of the Nursing class was patient transfers. For this we had to pick a partner and practice rolling them over, and changing the diaper. Yes we had to wear the diapers, over our clothes. Most of the girls, aside from being rich, were TINY. Like size 0 tiny. A few were bigger. I wasn't the fattest one in the class but I'd say 90% of these girls were skinny bitches. They were easy to roll over and transfer. I really hoped they wouldn't use me as a dummy to roll. The nurse who taught the class was like "most of the female patients are heavy. so you guys have it easy here!" I was worried she'd get me or one of the other non size zeros to be the 'heavy patient', although i'm sure there are patients MUCH bigger than me. I am pretty heavy but noone knows that. I mean if I do tell my weight to someone they're pretty shocked. No doubt I've gained alot but the number itself will shock you. I guess cuz I'm tall. So maybe I would be the heavy patient but not the fattest cuz alot of the old ladys are short, and weigh what i weigh. Making them techinically more overweight than me. LUCKALLY she didn't call on someone to be the heavy patient, and continued to use the size 0 girls.

We had to do a bed bath one day. I wasn't looking forward to doing this in real life just because it was awkward for the person, and for me. We had to practice on the dummy. The little princessy girls barely washed the dummy. I was thinking to myself, do you wash YOURSELF that way?! Cuz the way they were doing it wouldn't have gotten anyone clean. I can't even describe. Its like if you were brushing something lightly off a person. I jsut laughed in my head and thought, "I can't WAIT to see these girls when we go to the nursing home later this week!"

One of those days, I came in late with a job interview at a hospital. I had applied to 14 jobs at Jersey Shore medical center, all secretary jobs, since that's all I could do since I have no medical background. I got an interview in the social work department. I think its safe to say I didn't get the job since I haven't heard anything from them. I thought the interview went well and it'd be soooo nice to work at Jersey Shore since its like a mile from my house! It was 97 degrees that day and I had to wear a SUIT! Fun! Did the interview, and went to class 2hrs late. I was given homework =( bah! All we did that day was skills and watched old videos about safety , culture, diabetes, and stuff like that.

We then had to do the clinicals at the Nursing Home the final 3 days of the class. I wasn't looking forward to it, but just said I had to get thru it. We had to wear white scrubs , which I got at WalMart for 11.88 yo! lol Well, for each piece. We met in the lobby and I saw the look of sheer terror on the faces of the little princesses. The older people all stood in one area, and the younger ones were practically hyperventallating, saying "omg, I don't wanna do this!!! i sooooo dont' wanna do this!!!!"

First, we had an orientation with the Nursing Director, which was some big Sopranos type looking guy who talked in the "fuggedaboudit" style. He was like "WOW this is alotta people...so many people! We're not prepared with manuals!" He disappeared for a few min, and we knew he wasn't thrilled about having us here. He came back and went over some things about hte nursing home. How many people were there, the types of wings and units, the priviliges of the residents, the schedules, etc. As he was explaining, an old lady in bright pink sweats rolls her wheelchair into the lunchroom where we were and stops and stairs at us.

The director goes, "Whats up Franny!!! Where are you trying to get to?" She seemed amazed by all of us, and then tried to back her wheelchair out but had trouble. Eventually she got it, and continued to roam the nursing home in her chair. I saw her everyday wheeling around. She must be bored lol . An old man who still walked unassisted walked down the hall chasing a cat. Yes a cat. Apparently they have cats living there, and rabbits and birds. The old man was yelling "C'mere kitty! C'mere kitty! Ah for Pete's sake, C'MERE already! Lousy cat!" LMAO. After it was all done, it was time to get into our groups and get our patients.

There were 5 nurses who were our instructors. And they each got 6 people per nurse. So me and the older people (who I found out were between the ages of 25-31, all married w/ kids *sigh*) got Ruth, and we got assigned our patient. My patient needed 2 people so I got paired up with this girl Margerat, who lives in Howell. We assumed our patient was either a bitch, or really fat. Either way, Margerat and I were both tall and stronger than the lil' size 0 girls, so I thought between the 2 of us, we'd get the job done.

We were warned about the temperature of nursing homes. The rooms could be 85 degrees since old people are always cold. My grandmother was in a nursing home in her last few years, but I dont' recall how hot/cold it was. I'm now grandparentless, so I have no reason to go to a nursing home, altho i'm sure my dad will end up in one eventually. he stilll gets around surprisingly but he should walk more often so he doesn't become immobile. He probably wouldn't care cuz all he does is sit on h is ass and watches the History Channel all day anyway. but being immobile would make his nightly Dunkin Donuts run a lil' more difficult, don'tcha think?

We get our patient, and she's knocked out. zzzzzzzzzz. She's big. Great. I just say to myself, 'lets just get this over with!" So I wake her up and ask her the necc questions we were told to ask. Has she eaten. Does she want to use the bathroom, or does she wear diapers, does she have dentures or her own teeth.... So she HAD her own teeth, and was a diaper wearer. yay! *sarcasm* She ate and we told her we had to give her a bed bath, and she didnt' seem to mind. So it was less awkward. It was really HOT in that room. I didn't see the thermostat, but both me and my partner's foreheads were dripping with sweat. We had to change the diaper and had trouble rolling her on her side. Its def the hardest part. She was kinda immobile and heavy. It took us probably 20 min to get the full diaper change complated. Whew. After that, we dressed her, another tough job since she was heavy and immobile, and put her in her wheelchair. She was scheduled to get her hair did, and she was late for the appointment because of us. We thought we'd be the last ones done. We were WRONG!

After we reported to our nurse, we were told to help some of the ''younger girls''. I knew what she was getting at. I looked down to the B wing (I was in the A wing) and I saw a few size 0 girls looking for the nurses, freaking out. They had no idea what to do. Granted some of the patients are hard to move but she was freaking the hell out. I heard alot of OMG OMG's. I got moved to a room w/ another young girl. She wans't freaking otu tho'. Her old lady was comatose and skinny and frail but so hard to move. Her muscles were contracted, which happens when their muscles aren't used after a stroke. They're supposed to do range of motion exercises with them by moving the arms and legs and fingers and toes for them but apparently that wasn't done on this lady. She needed help moving and dressing her. The old lady mustve been 5ft tall and 90lbs but she was like a deadweight! So I helpd her get dressed and put her in her wheely bed thing. The other girl took her to the activity room and that was it.

Afterwards, we met at the desk in our wing and everyone was like 'how was it?' We said it was ok. Not as bad as we had thought, and the little princessy girls were like ''OMG!!! It was HORRIBLE!!!!" They said their patients didn't talk to them, or gave them dirty looks, or they had a really dirty diaper, or whatevs. We had an hour for lunch that day. I had to make some job calls and then I ate my trusty granola bar again. Yum. We then had class for a few more hours at Brookdale (well its satellite campus) and went home.

The next day we had a new patient. An arabic man. He was skinny and mobile and cooperative. We were told he LOVESSSSS women. I pictured my dad for a sec, and wanted to get that pic outta my head, especially if we had to bathe the guy! I was paired up with Margaret again, but I didn't mind having someone to talk to. Most of the size 0 princessy girls were by themselves w/ their own patients. This guy we had was nice. He was in isolation though so we had to wear gloves, masks, and a gown. He was very cooperative and easy to do. He asked if I was saudi and said i looked like a saudi princess. lmao probably cuz we wore masks and it looked like a veil or something. Afterwards, we were sent to help the young princessy girls again who were freakingout and struggling. I got assigned to the same girl again w/ the comatose old lady. Was pretty easy. Then an early lunch.

The last day of the nursing home, we got a new patient, she looked scared. We got her done prettty quickly and then were free to go once again. Then back to class for the exam, and we were done.

The nursing home bathrooms were kinda dirty and they were running out of EVERYTHING! Toothpaste, lotion, powder, eye cream. Most of the old people were supposed to go to the activity room after they were up and dressed. There was nothing going on there. It was a room where most of them fell asleep in their wheelchairs at tables. Some old men played cards or dominos. Most just dozed off. Regis and Kelly was playing in the background. How incredibly boring! I felt sorry for them. I nkow most of them couldn't get around anymore but to wheel em in a room and just leave em there seems so neglectful. There was another activity room with trivia going on. We listened to that one. Thats the room where the cats and rabbits were kept. A woman just kept asking trivia questions and old men would shout out the answers as if they were in school. They were told to "raise their hand" instead. LOL

All in all, the clinicals weren't too bad. I know in a year and a half (*slaps forehead at the long wait*), when I do the real clinicals it'll be alot more blood and gore. But to me, I have no problem looking at a wound. But looking at a dirty diaper is more gross. But I did it. I just think of them as big kids. I actually learned alot about nursing and medical stuff in general, like symptoms of certain diseases and stuff like that. I can't wait to actually do the nursing clinicals. This class was a prerequisite to get into the nursing program. I would be able to work as a home health aide, but they only get paid $10/hr. I'd be screwing myself over if I did that. I make more on my untaxed UE. But the tax is the problem. I owe the IRS, and I'm still on UE. I really hope I find a feasible job SOON! One that at least pays enough to pay everything and have something left over. But unfortunately, that has not been possible due to the drop in salaries across the board. Its gonna be a long road to becoming a nurse. I'm slated to take the non nursing courses now, while I'm waiting. But the clinicals, I dont think you can take the nursing classes all at once. I think you hae to finish one before you take the next. If this is the case, I'll never be done. You usually mix nursing classes w/ eng, psych, humanities, etc. But I'll be done w/ those by spring. Dunno what's gonna happen, but I definitely can't wait to get into the actual program. I hope I can persuade them to get me in sooner based on need of a job in the field. Alot of people are younger, live w/ mommy and daddy and will be OK. I can't be on UE forever. The longer I'm on it, the more stressed I am, and the more problems I encounter due to low income. And not to mention racking up my IRS debt. If I claimed taxes, I couldn't survive. So I have no choice. I will keep applying at hospitals as a secretary with the hopes of getting a job that DOES pay the bills if anything. Having had the nursing class gives me a little more of an edge over the typical job applicant, although less than people who've worked in hospitals.

Everyone I know who's going into nursing will definitely finish before me since my school has a ridic wait, and I have to work/temp full time (but will be taking Sept-Dec off unless i get a job by next week. HA!). I envy the little princessy girls. They can persue this with out a care in the world. They have no bills to pay, no landlord who can kick them out if they're not paid on time, probably no car payment, and I doubt they pay cable and cell phone bills) Ah what it msut be like to live as them. I do envy them like you wouldn't believe. Its so hard to work and go to school. I'm lucky I can do one semester fulltime, but I won't have enough UE to make it through the duration of nursing school. I wish I did. Maybe Obama will come up with more extensions due to high unemployment rates. As of now, I'll do what I can I guess. I hope to read about everyone ELSE'S experiences now, since they will far surpass me in school. I wanna know what is coming.

Thats all. Proabably nothing more on this topic til I get in the nursing program, cuz from here on out, its all general classes.