The Transformation of ME

I'm in the middle of a pretty big change. It's pretty weird how all the shit I went thru in the past few years is hitting me now. I'm becoming such a different person, but not neccesarily for the better.

The rejection, the betrayal, the hopelessness, the lack of job, lack of money, the feeling that everyone thinks I'm a failure, that every one forgot what I accomplished before the bad times, and the fact that I feel like its me against the world caused this change. These few years starting in 2006 when I was 26 years old, have been the worst years of my life, hands down. It seems like bad luck came at me like a meteor shower. One meteor slamming into me after another. Right when I fix the mess that one made, another one hits. My health has suffered. I gained tons of weight in a years time, and I am starting to not care about anything anymore.

Life is not fair. I know that very well. I've lived it! It seems like my friends' dreams are coming true one by one. They're moving up in the world, getting a dream job, buying their dream house, meeting the man of their dreams and starting a family. None of that happened to me. I've had a taste of success but lost it all at 26. I have yet to regain ANYTHING back. I'm gonna be 30 in 7 months. I really have nothing to show for myself except the fact that I've managed to live independently for most of the past 10 yrs (how I don't know!!!!) but I managed.

I just sit on the beach at nite and wish that MY dreams can come true. Or at least some of them. Its hard being on Facebook sometimes and seeing the happiness and joy other people I went to school with are experiencing. I'm not jealous but I do envy them. Theres a difference in my book. I wish I knew what it was like to leave work at night to come home to my own family. I may never know that. I worry I'll never be able to have kids due to my age and the fact that I'm pretty much a broken person after my last relationship. I don't know how I can have another relationship. I can see myself pushing someone away. Giving up too easily. Afraid of re-living the nightmare that I lived thru with my last one. People like me tend to go down that path. I dont know how old I can have kids til. My mother was 38 when she had her last one. Does that mean I can go into my late 30s? I don't know. Noone can tell you that. But I picture myself watching all my friends marry and have kids while I remmain single and childless. I see myself hitting 40, again watching my friends with their pre teen kids while I am single and childless, knowing that it'll never happen. I wish there wasn't such a time limit on having kids. I dont sleep around and I won't get knocked up by some dude. I'd have to be with someone to make it happen. There's always artificial insemenation too but i'll deal w/ that once i hit like 33 or 34yrs old I said. But that's not far away at all! 3 or 4 yrs.

Scary.

I see tragic figures and liken them to myself. Billie Holiday, Marilyn Monroe, and now Michael Jackson. I worry that my life is gonna end like theirs. I dont' do drugs but I completely understand why people do them. I didn't always. But I do now. You're in so much emotional pain that you'll do ANYTHING to make it stop. Anything. I was there. Some days I still am. Its a struggle to not take a bunch of pills that will put me in that state. I have a prescription that could do that. One of hte most addictive drugs in the country. I don't abuse it though. I hardly ever take them to tell you the truth. But I actually don't like the sedated state. I think thats why I never used drugs as my way to cope. I don't like being drugged. I've always felt that I would die young. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to live. And NO I'm not gonna kill myself. I don't wanna die. I wanna live and be happy. But happiness seems to elude me. Nothing but bad things happen to me. My health is declining. So my way of thinking changes along with it.

Sometimes I think that I'll never be successful again, since every road I try to take out of this situation is blocked by the threat of my Unemployment stopping (they threaten to stop it constantly. the best thing to do is not work honestly but i dont want to sit there and collect. if i dont work, i will exhaust my claim. So I work) I work low paying temp jobs that makes me feel like even less of a human being. I climbed so far in my years working in corporate america. And I've fallen all the way to the bottom. Even lower than where I started from, actually.

I think that I'll never be able to be a nurse, cuz I keep failing the algebra tests and I can't be a nurse til I get good at algebra. (don't know WHY!!!!!). Algebra is my major weakness. I am horrible at math. If I'm not a nurse, I have to wait for the economy to pick up. It could be a long time. I dont wanna struggle anymore. I want to be able to not worry bout money. Not sacrifice if I want a pair of shoes, to go without dinner for 4 nights to get them. Be abole to go on vacations, rent a car again, buy a new car in the future. All these things are denied to me because of the bad luck streak that started when I was 26. What kind of future am I gonna have?

I stopped caring about alot because of this. I feel like my life is gonna be hard and difficult no matter what, so why care? I break rules, laws, give ppl attitude (like cops), do not like being told what to do (unless you give me a paycheck everyweek that is). I really developed a fuck-it attitude. I buy shoes if I can afford them,and i WILL go without food for a while. Why? You only life once. I don't know how long it'll be for. I want to at least say I tried to enjoy what time I had here on earth dispite my situation. I'm really trying to enjoy my life to the fullest on a small budget. Because it makes me happy. Usually I'm miserable. Especially after the last 4 years. You have no idea what I went through. Noone really does. Only Michelle knows the whole story. Everyone knows about money woes but add relationship issues to that, and painful ones at that. She's the only one who understands what I went thru. It changes you.

This brings me to my next point. My attention seeking-ness. I never used to give two shits about being the center of attention. Now I must be. I have to be the focus. I want people to look at me. I want someone to talk to me. I want someone to compliment me. It stems from the rejection from my ex. He didn't want me. so I wondered if anyone did. Now i'm in this mindset. I need attention to validate myself. I hate that I'm becoming this way cuz its not me. I am 100% against my behavior. These guys that remind me of my ex, and there are a few, I MUST make them talk to me and notice me and compliment me. I have to. I'll do anything to get it. I hate this. I understand why I act this way but I wish I could stop it. I dont' want to be this pathetic person who needs attention to validate themself. But he made me that pathetic person. I am ashamed. This is not me.

So thats pretty much all I have to vent about today. I guess w/ the holidays coming up I'm gonna be more blah. Since I usually am around this time. I thought for sure I'd have a fam of my own by my age. Every year that goes by gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas. I miss Thanksgiving. I thought for sure I'd have them again by now. But I still sit home alone wishing I had a family. I don't havea realtionship with my family. I dont need to be told I'm a fuckup and get Catholocism pushed down my throat. I'll never be good enough for them and they're not worthy the 4hr drive to eat with them. Plus I dont like the way they cook. Their stuffing is horrible, spanish rice is horrible, yams are horrible, and other shit is horrible. I'd rather sit home and cook a cornish hen, veggies and stove top stuffing that I WILL eat. Altho' it would be nice to have a real family where you're accepted and welcomed and where you fit in. That, I don't have.

So hopefully there wont' be anymore of these posts for a while. I already said what I feel about holidays and my life, and my behavior. So.... what more is this to say. I just wish everything could change. I try to change things but end up exhausting myself and burning myself out trying to fight the system that I dont make a dent. Should I accept that this is my life,and shoot for low goals of a 30k job when I used to make $49k? Should I just temp and be a receptionist and an administrative assistant and struggle? Cuz fighting to get back to my place is so exhausting and draining. Its not my nature to give up. On anything. I haven't given up on anything yet. Except one. It may be time to give up on another just to save my health and my sanity. Who knows what'l happen next. I wish my dreams were next in line to come true like all of my former classmates on facebook. I want it to be my turn. When will my turn come????

Ode to Temping

^ I'm not?! NO! Of course not! I'm "just THE TEMP".

So as some of you may know, I am at yet ANOTHER menial, bullshit, temp assignment! I just wanted to make some extra cash that I can keep, so a low paying part time one was the only way to [legally] do it. I was told about a 2wk assignment. Ok fine. I interview, the guy liked me (apparently the schmuck only interviewed me and noone else). Then I am told its temp to perm. The salary is ridiculously low. I never made so little money even in my first job with no office experience. I would be evicted within a month if I went perm on this job w/ out the aid of Unemployment. And I'd have to quit school, to work a second job which I don't want to do. So I never would've consented to a temp to perm unless it was a GOOD PAYING JOB. Uhhhh ... Whats that again? *scratches head*. Something that just existed many moons ago, apparently. Every available job Iv'e seen advertised is SHIT PAY. But this one takes the cake. They tried to negotiate the salary up but the guy refused. The temp agency has tried to trap me in this assignment. Why am I able to be trapped? I need the money! Its always about money. This one thing that makes our whole world go round. The one thing that makes people kill eachother, and lie, and cheat for it. Money. Gotta love it. So good yet so evil.

So I said I could do 2wks. Then I was told they need me longer. I said I would not go perm. Not at that salary. Its not worth me dropping out of NURSING SCHOOL of all things for a low paying bullshit temp job. I said I'd only do it if the job paid 40K and up so I'd live comfortably. If i have to struggle, then NO. I'd rather ride out my UE as far as it will stretch to come out at the other end with a LPN or an RN. Still waiting on entering nursing prog at bother Brookdale and Middlesex Co Vo Tech. I will find out soon. Very soon. I hope I passed my test. I am still worried about the math. I can read and I can write. And I can also spell! Woohoo! But math... even though I studied, I wasn't so sure.

SO ANYWAY.... The temp agency begged and pleaded with me to stay longer than two weeks. I still asserted that I would NOT go fulltime. She said just take it week by week. Yeah right. This agency hasn't had a work order in weeks apparently. They get commission when I temp. So they're all relying on me for that commission check. I am not allowed to leave a temp job unless I have another lined up before my UE term ends. I am not sure when I am gonna exhaust my claim. I have 2 extensions and I may just go right into them as opposed to filing new claim(like I did last year) cuz the extensions will be at the same pay rate. My new claim will likely be $300ish a week which is gonna be rough to make it on. Trying to make as much as possible right now. The pay I get from temping is so low that I actually LEGITIMATLY can receive UE while I temp. I am allowed to work 1/2 days Weds and Thurs for classes. Then I have my other night and Sat classes. Temping right now will benefit me cuz I think...I will let'cha know.... that I make out $100/wk richer than on UE. Which makes me go =) !!!

I show up to my assignment today at 9. Thats the time I was told to come. Noone was there. I sat with the receptionist for an hour. Noone came. I was on twitter and facebook. Nothing interesting. I emailed temp agency telling them that noone was here. They were puzzled. I didn't drive all the way up here for nothign tho'! this shit uses alot of gas! So I was gona stay and make some (hahah I have to laugh cuz the "some" in this equasion is so low it'd probably be like $20 IF THAT for today) money.

At 10am the boss showed up. HE's an old man and he was nice during the inteview but came in w/ a chip on his shoulder. He asked me why I wasn't in the office working. I looked at him like he was dressed in drag. WTF?! Noone was here. He said he left work for me. Ummmmm. noone was in the office.... The door tot he office was unlocked but it was dark and I didn't go in there cuz I thought it wasn't right to being that I dont' work there. I could see it was gonna be a great day. I went to my station and the whole office is filthy. Dusty , dirty, crusty shit on the phones, the chair seat linig was ripped and i was sitting on egg crate material . The bathroom was so disgusting that I actually picked up a bottle of Lysol Bathroom Cleaner and cleaned the toilet seat myself!!!! So disgusting!!! Ugh!

I was given work to do and not told where to find the documents in question. Not told where the references were. I was to make phone calls asking if dealers will buy used electronic parts, not knowing what parts they were or were they opened and uninstalled or were they in the box (that was a common question i got from ppl on the phone). I asked the boss who just said to ask if they buy parts. I don't knwo the model numbers. Well how the FUCK am I supposed to know them?! Am i supposed to be some kinda super temp?! Oh hold on, lemme don my T Shirt!

The phone rang and I saw a receptionist so I didn't think I was supposed to answer the phone. The boss said to answer it. I asked him how the phoen should be answered. I didn't know the name of the company. WAs never told. I was just given a name and addy in my temp interview. He walked off and picked up a call on his cell. The woman on the business phone asked for him and when he wasn't avail, she asked for voicemail. I was never shown how to transfer to voicemail. Every system is different. This was an old ass phone from the 90s or so. The other one employee, this guy from Africa whos really nice and helpful told me that there IS no voicemail. WTF? I have to take a message the old fashioned way. Um ok. Later I had to email a job app to some electronic technicians looking for work. I'd assume there was an electronic copy. No siree! It was a cheaply copied paper form that had to be scanned. The scanner was an old one that only took one page at a time and made each page into its own file. The email client did not have a BCC field so all the ppl had to see who else was getting the mail. Boss didn't seem to care so, the hell if I do! lol He told me tojust send it together. *shrug*.

Then he said he wanted a copy of everything. The email, and the job app and the sheet of names. Um. its in your outbox. So I sent the email to HIM (boss) and CC'd the other people. There you have it. As far as a copy, there scan I used WAS a copy. When i interviewed he tested me to see if I was competent. I assume I was.... lol. He had me scan a 20pg doc and had me retype a word doc into an email. He didnt want me to cut n' paste. I retyped and he asked for a copy. But there already WAS a copy as a word doc and the electronic word doc. I had to make copies of the 20pgs i scanned too even tho the scan was printed off of an elec copy and I sent a NEW elec copy. He wanted to see the whole thing that was sent out. Most people would just ask that the email be fwded to them so they can see for themself. This guy wanted copies so he wouldn't lose the orig emails. Just for shits n' giggles. Judging by his age, the condition of the office, lack of technology, he is def still livin' in the 1960s or something. so much unnecessary shit work.

In the 2 hours that I actually worked ... since HE was an hour late...... I didn't get to do much. 30 min before I left, I went to the bathroom (and had to clean it prior to using it). When I came out, he was gone. The other employee was gone. I was alone there and noone said anything. I called the agency to tell them i'm leaving at 12:30 for class just incase he tried to bullshit the time and claim i left at 12, when i didn't. Oh not that I'll make that much more money. Actually now that I think about it, who cares what time I left? Cuz I really ain't making SHIT at this job. LAst weeks temping (i worked on the interview) adn this weeks just about covers the GAS MONEY to get there. I am shaking my head and asking myself why in the HELL I took this job. But again. I need the shit money. Next week when I work a semi full week it'll be some nice spending money to make life a lil' easier. I just hate that I get these low paying shit jobs, and am treated like a fucking idiot.

Shoot meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.............

The days when I had a good respectable job, with good pay, and treated like one of the fam seem to be so far behind me. These past few years w/ the economy and switching jobs I've mostly temped now. Mostly been the one who gets the shit work like counting the words on a piece of paper. YES I really did have to do that once! ALso counting small little pencils that were in a huge box. *bangs head against wall*.

My road to becoming a nurse is a long and hard one. But I hope it all happens. I'm still waiting on 2 diff results to find out which path I take next. and I have to figure out how to get outta this temp job, or get into another one with an END DATE before my UE is up. So thats some homework for myself. Gotta go to the UE office and have a chat w/ Patrick. I <3 Patrick. I really do!!! He got me $ I never would've gotten otherwise by just changing a DATE in the computer! I <<<<<<<<333333333 Him!!! Ok anyway, those of you who are employed, are not ashamed of waht you do, can make ends meet and still go shopping w/ the chicas on saturday afternoon. I envy thee! I really do. You dont know how good you have it.