Eff Mother Nature! / Solitude Sorrow

Well, my anticipated kayaking trip today didn't happen cuz the ocean was too rough and the winds were too strong. I read the marine report but I wanted to see for myself. Upon getting to the boardwalk, I saw right away that I wouldn't be kayaking today =(. Wind was gusting and ocean was very choppy. So I walked to Asbury Park to help my "boss" (I say it in quotes cuz I'm just a temp so I'm not even an employee at the place, so I'm not sure she's really my boss...lol). She's running a photography contest and I said I'd put up flyers on the boardwalk. So upon my return to my town, I saw that all the flyers I posted were taken down! WTF?! Every single one. There's about 6 bulletin boards along the boardwalk and none were left when I came back. I dunno who took them down, or why. Could be a buncha asshole kids folowing me and taking em down as I put em up? Or someone from the Association cuz they're so strict about everything. I don't see how a photography contest for a bank could be inappropriate for the boards. Theres random shit advertised on those boards, none of which really have any connection. But yep, every flyer was taken down. I don't know if I wanna put more up another day. Maybe put one up and sit on a bench and see who takes it down. Not that I care that much but it did piss me off that I took the time to do this and someone tore it down.





I hate people!





Now I returned to my house and have absolutely no plans, like usual. I have like no social life anymore. Most of my friends either moved away, spend every waking moment w/ their boyfriends, or just don't do anything. I've spent so much time by myself in these past few months. Going to the symphony alone, going to the movies alone, going to festivals alone...its kinda pathetic. I understand that I'm unemployed and ppl probably dont wanna hang w/ the unemployed chick, since I don't have as much money as they do. Most of them l ive with their parents AND are employed which = lots of money to blow. I love to spend $ but I have to watch what I buy. Sometimes I can splurge. Why not? Don't i desreve an ice cream cake, or a pair of earrings once in a while? But yeah.





I've been reading a message board about kayaking in NJ and found out there are alotta organized outings in my area. One of the members PM'd me and said she's probably gonna organize a trip to Shark River (Belmar Bay one night soon). I def wanna make friends who like to do what I like to do. I only have three friends who genuinly like to do the things I do. One moved away, one is also unemployed and doesn't go out much, and the other barely talks to me, since we're exes. I'm just so sick of being by myself day in and day out. I'm so conversation starved that when strangers start talking to me, I don't wanna stop talking! Or I talk to myself on twitter lol. Its really getting pathetic. Part of me going to all these th ings alone was hoping to meet people that enjoy the same activities as me. I met one person in the band I play in, but shes in the same boat as I am (unemployed) and she doesn't really go out alot. I def want to meet more people tho'. I hope I can make some new friends thru this kayaking thing. Maybe I'll try meetup.com too.





I'm just really social and its hard to be a loaner...by force, not by choice. I can't change my job situation (altho' I'm trying like hell to find a job, but there's nothing out there! If there is, I apply to it, and never hear back), so all I can do is go to places where ppl like me go. *shrug* we'll see. All these words I'm saying echo the sentiments of someone we all knew and loved, and its kinda eerie that we both have that connection. Can you guess who it is?





On another note, all I can really do today is watch tv, maybe return some shit to Old Navy that I got for my bday (too big...ugh didn't try on.), just really wanna exchange for a smaller size. I wish I had something to do tonight. But I have to get used to it .I went out on my birthday, and July 4th. Other than that, I have had NO social life since April. I think I'm going insane.





I never posted a pic of my kayak. So here's one...

Oh yeah, I'm watching more Michael Jackson shit on BET and they're playing "Rock My World". And in this vid, he's in some kinda club in Miami w/ Chris Tucker (comedian) and MJ's after this chick who looks pretty busted looking. I mean she's not ugly, but she's def not the typical video whore either. She has no makeup on, seems sweaty and i dunno. I just get the feeling she's some prostitute that he's after. Hahaha. Ok I guess that's all I need to say.

In Loving Memoria <3 <3

Michael Jackson himself summarized our sentiments on his death. In his own words:

"Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight. Here one day. Gone one night. Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon...Gone Too Soon...... *cue sad flute solo*....Gone too soon......."

=*(

I was kinda bummed that I felt like the ONLY one who couldn't watch Michael Jackson's funeral on tv. Everyone on twitter was twitting updates and it made me wanna see it MORE! Finally I got home, after going to the ghetto to cash my stimulus check, got settled and turned on CNN, only to find out it was the HIGHLIGHTS they'd be showing. Fuck. So I had to watch it on the internet. Luckally, my computer behaved and let me watch. Then I watched it again on BET. And then more highlights all night long. Yet again, another sleepless night. I still can't believe he's gone.

It was really sad... Mariah couldn't keep it together, but why are we hating on her? Do you know how hard it is to SING?! How you have to relax your vocal chords and tighten them precisely to hit the notes you need. If you're upset and you see an icon dead in a casket in front of you, you might be a lil' choked up, and not able to hit every note perfectly. Anyone who was able to, surprised me. They all kinda stumbled. Mariah, Stevie, Jermaine, Usher... Only the lil' arabic kid, Shaheem Jafarguli or whatever his last name was held it together.

My most moving moments were:

Jermaine singing "Smile", Michaels "fave song". I know Michael used to randomly sing it in vids of him walking around and stuff. So maybe it really is. Despite him messing up the worlds, "light up your face w/ sadness, hide every trace of gladness..." (was supposed to be gladness, then sadness, but it's aight, we wuv you J'maine!) just the fact that he had the courage and the composure to even attempt to sing was admireable. I'm sure Michael would've appreciated Jermaine's tribute if he were here to see it.

Then of course, his daughter, Paris... never heard the girl speak before. She's always wearing a mask. She only said one sentence, really, but now she's on the cover of every paper today. Sadly, these kids will be mobbed from here on out. Their faces are now known. They're the only thing left of the King of Pop. And his two boys DO look like him... Paris, not really but Blanket has Michael's face. Look at him and tell me that's not his fucking kid!

Ursher sang and ppl criticized him saying they didn't think the sentiment was real. Well, only he knows for sure but being that Usher immitated Michael soooooo much, and how Usher declined to sing in the tribute til the last min, I think he felt something. It musta been hard to sing "Gone Too Soon" and walk down to Michael's casket like that. I don't know how anyone could keep it together.

The only one who really did was, well, Joe Jackson. Big surprise there... Joe was probably out to make some kinda deal on the rights to this special, altho' I must confess, I'd order a copy. This is def something I'd wanna have since I don't have a DVR. Joe seemed to be on a powertrip and even tried to rock a fedora. Sorry, Joe, no points with me....

After a virtually sleepless night, watching the trib, and thinking about it, and a few other things in my life lately, I struggled thru my temp assignment, trying to keep my eyes open. I had a concert tonight but decided to skip it. Even tho' as we speak its 10:15 and I'm still not in bed, I think that I made the right choice. I'll be laying down shortly....I hope.

Tonight I got thai food and had 2 glasses of wine to chill. Shoulda taken a sleeping pill but honestly all this talk about drugs, and MJ, made me think that maybe I should lay off that shit. Even tho' I only take sleeping pills maybe 3x a month but... I'd rather have the wine tonight, instead. On the way to and from Sea Girt, to get the thai food, I did a mini concert of Heal the World. haha.

Now I'm watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and gonna clean up, inflate my houseguest's air mattress and hope that I sleep for a decent amt of hours tonight. I can't WAIT for the weekend so I can kayak again! I'm addicted. I need a pump tho' to get excess agua outta the boat. In the ocean alotta splashes get in the boat and I don't want my $500 investment to sink to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. More worried about that than anything else. I can swim... And swim I always do in these greenish NJ Waters.

I'm out.

Michael Jackson / Maritime Adventures

I haven't written in sooooo damn long! I used to blog at my last temp job. Mostly bitching ABOUT the temp job, how much I hated the temp job, and how menial my work WAS at the temp job. Then I stopped cuz it seemed that every time I was gonna blog, someone'd come in, and yell at me for something completely unrelated. Bitches.... So anyway, after a long hiatus, I'm back.





So I'm not gonna go back and recap, cuz honestly, I'm still unemployed, usually broke, and I don't really DO anything except, eat, sleep and temp. Oh and tan (just like Megan from Rock of Love). I had my bday recently and my friend kinda planned something for me cuz I was kinda miserable since I was broke all this time and couldn't even afford a real party.





A day before my bday, a friend of mine died. I felt bad cuz I was kinda mad at her for something that happened in the past and I didn't talk to her as much because of it. She did IM me a few days before she died, but my computer froze up, and I was in the kitchen cooking so I didn't get to really talk to her. But its not like I knew it was gonna happen. The next Thursday, I was going to the temp agency to pick up my check and I heard on the radio that Michael Jackson was rushed to the ER w/ cardiac arrest!





I thought he was dead right then and there. I didn't know you could come back from cardiac arrest. I stayed glued to the radio on my drive home and when I got home, I sat at the boardwalk waiting for an update. I was supposed to walk 2miles. I changed into shorts in my car (very difficult) since I was wearing work pants, and finally they said that he died =(. No celeb death has ever hit me so hard.





Yeah Michael Jackson did alot of weird shit! I'm a fan and I'll admit it! Yeah he went overboard on the plastic surg! But regardless, I was a lifelong fan. And like millions of other generation X ers (or Pepsi Generation haha) I grew up with his music. Everytime I hear his old music, it brings back memories, of a party, or bbq, vacation, or road trip. I had a crush on him when he was still black (and tan) mostly thru the 80s, but then I just liked his music. That was the biggest shock to hear he died. I was in denial for a long time. Watching all his videos on tv made me think it was his bday or something. Its hard to grasp that he's no longer here.





I see alot of myself in him. Theres something that we both have in common. The unhappiness... the fact that theres something missing from our lives. The misunderstandings. Granted hes a big star and I'm just a nobody, but I think Michael would've been the ONE celeb that I WOULD have something to say to /talk about with. I always said if I meet a celeb, I don't know what I'd say to them other than the same shit they hear day after day. I don't think I could sit down and have a deep convo w/ them. Michael Jackson was the exception. I used to imagine what it would be like to meet him, as a lil' chica in the late 80s / early 90s. I'd imagine what we'd talk about. I'd imagine I'd be the girl he'd bring on stage during "She's Out of My Life", and I'd actually behave so they wouldnt' have to carry me off like an animal like some of those other chicks. My brother and I used to talk late at night about MJ and how much we wished we could go see his concerts (MTV was doinga whole behind the scenes of the Dangerous Tour in 1992 when we were imprisioned in Tennessee). Our dream was to see Michael in concert...and of course hang out w/ him. He liked kids. We were kids! lol. We wished he'd pick us outta the crowd to chill with him. We were idiots. lol

When my mom, bro and I stayed in the Taj Mahal in 1991 for the Grand Opening (AC Casino, not the Indian Taj), Michael Jackson appeared at the grand opening. He was staying at the hotel too! My bro and I snuck out and wanedered around the hotel looking for Michael. we asked hotel workers "what room is Michael Jackson in?" God we were idiots!!! We looked in vain but never found him. But boy did we try !!!



*sigh*. And he's gone.....Gone Too Soon.... =( I'm gonna buy the special edition mags to keep just for myself. I'm sure ppl did this when Elvis died too. Its a huge loss to the music community, and to the world.





Michael, I hope you were able to find some happiness thru your children, thru Neverland, and thru the love of your fans and family. I'm sad to see you go, but I'm glad your suffering has ended. Sometimes a person gets to the point where they've had enough. You unfortunately reached that point. I wish you were never PUSHED to that point to begin with. You were upset at how the paparazzi chased Princess Di to her death. You were scared you'd die like Elvis. Now that those have come true, all our hearts are broken for you and the tragic way you've exited this world. A person as giving and as kind as you, should never have had to endure such a painful life. Yet those were the cards you were dealt. My only comfort is now noone can hurt you ever again and for that, I'm glad. But I feel like I lost a close friend. And when I watch your videos, all i feel is sadness just knowing there will be no more videos, no more concerts, no more anything. Thank you for giving us the privilege to hear you and see you dance. We are forever grateful. <3





This is how I'd always like to remember him. This is one of my fave pics of him, at the height of my MJ crush, during the Bad era.





Now onto a happier topic, I FINALLY got a Kayak!!! I've wanted one for years and was never able to get one due to the price, and my lack of job. I thought I'd be employed with a feasible salary this summer for sure, but that hasn't happened as the economy has fallen apart even more. There was one chance at the beginning of April where I thought I'd be able to swing it, due to a partial unemployment payment. But I ended up getting denied and told to go out and make more money (hence I am temping yet again). I ended up falling into a pit of paying my landlord late and even got an eviction threat from him. He later calmed down but I still feel that I'm on thin ice w/ him even tho he told me he 'understands'. I had bought a kayak car carrier kit prior to this eviction fiasco, that allows sedans w/ out roof racks to carry kayaks. I had to return it to help pay my landlord though. All in all I was starting to think that this kayak endevour wouldn't happen this year either. I can' only use it through Sept when the water temp is over 65 degrees.



So, how this ended up becoming a reality, finally was I got back on partial unemployment, due to me temping part time. I'm insured right now, so I've been going to drs left and right to make sure everythings all good before I get uninsured again. I owed UE a refund. I claimed partial, and never got money. Thought it was going towards the refund. Then I find out it hasn't gone in the system yet. So the money was being held. I don't know why but they paid it to me and I decided after weighing the pros and cons, to buy a kayak. Alot of sporting goods stores had sales for the 4th of July and I thought this was the best oppt'y. If I didn't get it now, I honestly don't think I could've gotten it, since money is so tight still.



I went to a place near my temp job in Toms River (the other store was in Lakewood but it was a lil' more expensivo). I ended up getting an Ocean Kayak which is a sit on top kayak. I never did those before. I've only been in a sit inside kayak, which was what I wanted to buy originally. But sometimes you have to compromise when money isn't on your side. This kayak is better suited for the ocean and bay. I could use it in lakes too but want to get the hang of it first, since I dont' want to fall in a mucky lake. The ocean is much cleaner to fall into, despite the sharks. I have a huge fear of sharks since I was warned in the Florida Keys 3yrs ago that the waters were "shark infested". I spent my time swimming there looking down (you can see the bottom there cuz the water's so clear). In NJ you can't see SHIT in the water. You can't even see your feet when you're in waist high water! I'd rather fall into the ocean and hope that there are no sharks. NJ has Mako Sharks. Look em up! They're BIG! We also have tiger sharks which are aggressive. Attacks are rare tho'.... so I have to keep telling myself that.



After work, I went to pick up the boat and realized it doesn't fit in the trunk of my car (w/ all the seats folded down. Fuck! I didn't know of anyone who would help me or who had a truck. I called a friend that's been crashing at my apt to see if she was home, but she wasn't. Then I called my dad to see if I could borrow his SUV. He avoided my calls all day. Great. Figures.



Next day he called and woke me up. It was the 4th of July, his bday, and I planed on going to the beach and walking, not moving my cah for the life of me. My town was packed! I live in a coastal town. But for my kayak I decided to move the cah.



My dad used to work at Shop Rite, and everything he does, says, thinks or dreams is about Shop Rite. Shop Rite is a supermarket for those who don't know. He wanted to meet AT a Shop Rite, in the back by the trucks. He wanted to relive his old days working as a trucker and then trucking spvsr. He parked right next to the big trucks. When I got in his cah, he said "those are some nice trucks aren't they?" Um yeah. Sure. Whatever. Lets go. On the way to Toms River, we saw numerous Shop Rite trucks. Dad would light up when he saw them. Asking where the most local shoprite was to each shore town we were passing thru. In Toms River, he was sad to see the shoprite on 37 closed, but I informed him a new one was on Fischer blvd, and he's like "oh yeah! thats a nice one!!!!" *roll eyes*. Then asked if the seaside shoprite was still there. Sorry dude, don't recall. But I was fed up w/ shop rite talk by that point.



We get kayak. Dad makes a comment infront of the sales guy that my ass won't fit in it, and then we're off. Back to SHOP RITE to pick up my cah, then back to Casa de Heather. I put the kayak next to the house for a while while I made pasta salad for a bbq I went to that nite. Later I moved it to another place w/ other kayaks. I didn't take a pic of it yet, but here's the same model, different color. Its an Ocean Kayak Frenzy model. A smaller kayak (but very heavy and bulky). I got lime green. I'm so sick of orange/yellow kayaks. Most ppl I told said "ugh" at my choice of color, but IIIIIII like the green. So fuck all you ppl! I'll take a pic eventually. Right now its chained up somewhere. See the pic below, and just imagine lime green.





















I was supposed to take it out today, but since I went to bed at 6am this morning, and got up at 1030am, I ended up falling asleep after lunch til 430 and missed low tide! I am an idiot. Sooo I 'll have to wait til the next low tide that I am home to see (during daylight). I can't wait to take it out tho'!!!



Now it is almost 1am, and I really should get my (_(_) to bed now. Watching For Rent on HGTV, and gonna get in my comfy bed and sleep for a whole 6-7hrs. Yay. thats not enuff sleep for me. I need 9! I'm a diva! I have a very long day tomorrow. Band rehearsal til 930pm. Luckally I like what I do, and I actually enjoy rehearsal. I'll try to update this thing more often from now on.