People who don't know me probalby don't know why I "hate" Christmas, or really any holiday. I didn't always. I used to love Christmas. It was my fave holiday. I loved decorating the tree, smeling the tree smell, putting up the ornaments, listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas movies on tv, goint to someone's house on Christmas eve (or having them come to our house) since I'm social and all, and most of all, the anticipation of Christmas day to see what presents we got. Now thats the pagan Christmas, not the Birth of Christ Christmas, which I never celebrated since all of my immediate family are non-religous. So paganism it is!
My parents divorced in 1991 and that was our last Christmas. After that, my father vanished from our lives to go shack up w/ several gold digging whores, and my mother remarried a guy who hated us and locked us away. Christmas didn't exist anymore. It just stopped like a car that hit the anti lock brakes. I spent my 2 Christmases in my stepfather's house locked in my room, out of sight, out of mind. No tree, no presents. No ornaments. No xmas songs. No house hopping on xmas eve. No nothing.
I escaped Tennesee (where my mother moved us to with her new husband who fond work at the GM plant down there) in 1994 to move back in with my father who obviously didn't want me but....tough! You create me, you DEAL with me!!! 1995 was my first Christmas back in NJ. It was an attempt. We had a tree, we had lights, and I got a few presents. I think I got a donut, a Mariah Carey CD, new rollerblades, a few sweaters, and did I mention a donut? But the presents don't make Christmas. There was something missing. That Christmas I sat in my townhouse alone watching "Miracle on 34th Street" like 3 times in a row, bored out of my mind. My father iddn't food shop. I had no food to eat, and no stores were open. Back then nothing was open on Xmas. Its changed now thank god. Usually chinese is open! I went for a walk thru our development and looked in windows of the other families eating together, having fun etc. I realized Christmas as I knew it was over. I knew it was over til I become part of another family. Basically when I get married, assuming my hubby has a good relationship with his fam.
What little family I have, I don't fit in to. My aunt and uncle (dad's bro and his wife) are hardcore bible toting, holy rolling Catholics who shove it down my throat, and make no secret that I am not accepted or welcome in to their fam since I was never baptised Catholic, refused to BE baptized, and said that religion is a fantasy story used to explain how we got here cuz noone was smart enough to figure it out back in the olden days. Wellt hats what i think! Sue me! My uncle calls me a fuck up, and says I'm no good (aside from lack of Catholicism) and I am a disappointment cuz I didn't get good grades, go to college, join hte millitary and get married. So needless to say I'm not wanted or accepted in that group. I have another uncle (dads younger bro) who is so ghetto, that he brought weed to Great Adventure and rolled joints while his sons were on the go karts. He goes thru garbage cans and is just so unbelieveably ghetto, he's embarassing. I dont' fit in w/ them. Frankly, they dont fit in with the bible toters either but they're more welcome than me since they are CATHOLIC and listen to my aunt preach about the topic du jour.
I have cousins. Lots of em. THey're not bible toters but since they are with the bible toter clan on holidays I can't hang w/ them. My dad sits home alone. Perfectly content that way. My mother and I are estranged and she wants me to visit but i dont want to. So what options does that leave me on a holiday? Nothing really. Sit home in front of the tv. I used to aimlessly roam the streets of East Brunswick, the town I lived in from 1994 to 2000 every year, every single holiday. I couldn't hang w/ friends since they were all with their families.
On a normal day, yes you're alone. You work, come home, make dinner, shower, watch tv and go to bed. No biggie. But on holidays everyone kind of goes to where they belong. They go to be with others like them. They're accepted and welcome and supported and whatever else. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong with my bible toting aunt and uncle who put me down and think I'm a fuck up. I don't belong w/ my estranged mother who allowed her husband to lock me up and starve me, and I don't belong with my ghetto cousins and uncle from the bronx who roll joints in a public place and mooch off of me cuz they think I'm "rich". So where do I belong?
I don't.
Christmas kind of rubs it in that you have noone in this world who gives a flying fuck about you. I mean I know every day of my life that this is true, but for some reason holidays are harder. I really thought that by my age I would have been married and adopted into another family and have my own. That hasn't happened so every Christmas gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas alot. I really can't wait to have it again but I know its not possible til I get married. I dont want people to invite me over out of pity, cuz i dont belong there. I used to go somewhere for thanksgiving a few years but clearly I did not belong. I felt like a complete outsider. I guess I just have to wait it out. I learned in psychology that human beings have a need to belong.
That need in me has not been realized. That's why I hate holidays. Maybe now you'll understand a little better when I get into these moods. I'm bored, have nowhere to go where I'm welcome and accepted, and I get to hear about, see pics from and listen to everyones happy stories of something that I lost half a lifetime ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment