The Transformation of ME

I'm in the middle of a pretty big change. It's pretty weird how all the shit I went thru in the past few years is hitting me now. I'm becoming such a different person, but not neccesarily for the better.

The rejection, the betrayal, the hopelessness, the lack of job, lack of money, the feeling that everyone thinks I'm a failure, that every one forgot what I accomplished before the bad times, and the fact that I feel like its me against the world caused this change. These few years starting in 2006 when I was 26 years old, have been the worst years of my life, hands down. It seems like bad luck came at me like a meteor shower. One meteor slamming into me after another. Right when I fix the mess that one made, another one hits. My health has suffered. I gained tons of weight in a years time, and I am starting to not care about anything anymore.

Life is not fair. I know that very well. I've lived it! It seems like my friends' dreams are coming true one by one. They're moving up in the world, getting a dream job, buying their dream house, meeting the man of their dreams and starting a family. None of that happened to me. I've had a taste of success but lost it all at 26. I have yet to regain ANYTHING back. I'm gonna be 30 in 7 months. I really have nothing to show for myself except the fact that I've managed to live independently for most of the past 10 yrs (how I don't know!!!!) but I managed.

I just sit on the beach at nite and wish that MY dreams can come true. Or at least some of them. Its hard being on Facebook sometimes and seeing the happiness and joy other people I went to school with are experiencing. I'm not jealous but I do envy them. Theres a difference in my book. I wish I knew what it was like to leave work at night to come home to my own family. I may never know that. I worry I'll never be able to have kids due to my age and the fact that I'm pretty much a broken person after my last relationship. I don't know how I can have another relationship. I can see myself pushing someone away. Giving up too easily. Afraid of re-living the nightmare that I lived thru with my last one. People like me tend to go down that path. I dont know how old I can have kids til. My mother was 38 when she had her last one. Does that mean I can go into my late 30s? I don't know. Noone can tell you that. But I picture myself watching all my friends marry and have kids while I remmain single and childless. I see myself hitting 40, again watching my friends with their pre teen kids while I am single and childless, knowing that it'll never happen. I wish there wasn't such a time limit on having kids. I dont sleep around and I won't get knocked up by some dude. I'd have to be with someone to make it happen. There's always artificial insemenation too but i'll deal w/ that once i hit like 33 or 34yrs old I said. But that's not far away at all! 3 or 4 yrs.

Scary.

I see tragic figures and liken them to myself. Billie Holiday, Marilyn Monroe, and now Michael Jackson. I worry that my life is gonna end like theirs. I dont' do drugs but I completely understand why people do them. I didn't always. But I do now. You're in so much emotional pain that you'll do ANYTHING to make it stop. Anything. I was there. Some days I still am. Its a struggle to not take a bunch of pills that will put me in that state. I have a prescription that could do that. One of hte most addictive drugs in the country. I don't abuse it though. I hardly ever take them to tell you the truth. But I actually don't like the sedated state. I think thats why I never used drugs as my way to cope. I don't like being drugged. I've always felt that I would die young. Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to live. And NO I'm not gonna kill myself. I don't wanna die. I wanna live and be happy. But happiness seems to elude me. Nothing but bad things happen to me. My health is declining. So my way of thinking changes along with it.

Sometimes I think that I'll never be successful again, since every road I try to take out of this situation is blocked by the threat of my Unemployment stopping (they threaten to stop it constantly. the best thing to do is not work honestly but i dont want to sit there and collect. if i dont work, i will exhaust my claim. So I work) I work low paying temp jobs that makes me feel like even less of a human being. I climbed so far in my years working in corporate america. And I've fallen all the way to the bottom. Even lower than where I started from, actually.

I think that I'll never be able to be a nurse, cuz I keep failing the algebra tests and I can't be a nurse til I get good at algebra. (don't know WHY!!!!!). Algebra is my major weakness. I am horrible at math. If I'm not a nurse, I have to wait for the economy to pick up. It could be a long time. I dont wanna struggle anymore. I want to be able to not worry bout money. Not sacrifice if I want a pair of shoes, to go without dinner for 4 nights to get them. Be abole to go on vacations, rent a car again, buy a new car in the future. All these things are denied to me because of the bad luck streak that started when I was 26. What kind of future am I gonna have?

I stopped caring about alot because of this. I feel like my life is gonna be hard and difficult no matter what, so why care? I break rules, laws, give ppl attitude (like cops), do not like being told what to do (unless you give me a paycheck everyweek that is). I really developed a fuck-it attitude. I buy shoes if I can afford them,and i WILL go without food for a while. Why? You only life once. I don't know how long it'll be for. I want to at least say I tried to enjoy what time I had here on earth dispite my situation. I'm really trying to enjoy my life to the fullest on a small budget. Because it makes me happy. Usually I'm miserable. Especially after the last 4 years. You have no idea what I went through. Noone really does. Only Michelle knows the whole story. Everyone knows about money woes but add relationship issues to that, and painful ones at that. She's the only one who understands what I went thru. It changes you.

This brings me to my next point. My attention seeking-ness. I never used to give two shits about being the center of attention. Now I must be. I have to be the focus. I want people to look at me. I want someone to talk to me. I want someone to compliment me. It stems from the rejection from my ex. He didn't want me. so I wondered if anyone did. Now i'm in this mindset. I need attention to validate myself. I hate that I'm becoming this way cuz its not me. I am 100% against my behavior. These guys that remind me of my ex, and there are a few, I MUST make them talk to me and notice me and compliment me. I have to. I'll do anything to get it. I hate this. I understand why I act this way but I wish I could stop it. I dont' want to be this pathetic person who needs attention to validate themself. But he made me that pathetic person. I am ashamed. This is not me.

So thats pretty much all I have to vent about today. I guess w/ the holidays coming up I'm gonna be more blah. Since I usually am around this time. I thought for sure I'd have a fam of my own by my age. Every year that goes by gets harder and harder. I miss Christmas. I miss Thanksgiving. I thought for sure I'd have them again by now. But I still sit home alone wishing I had a family. I don't havea realtionship with my family. I dont need to be told I'm a fuckup and get Catholocism pushed down my throat. I'll never be good enough for them and they're not worthy the 4hr drive to eat with them. Plus I dont like the way they cook. Their stuffing is horrible, spanish rice is horrible, yams are horrible, and other shit is horrible. I'd rather sit home and cook a cornish hen, veggies and stove top stuffing that I WILL eat. Altho' it would be nice to have a real family where you're accepted and welcomed and where you fit in. That, I don't have.

So hopefully there wont' be anymore of these posts for a while. I already said what I feel about holidays and my life, and my behavior. So.... what more is this to say. I just wish everything could change. I try to change things but end up exhausting myself and burning myself out trying to fight the system that I dont make a dent. Should I accept that this is my life,and shoot for low goals of a 30k job when I used to make $49k? Should I just temp and be a receptionist and an administrative assistant and struggle? Cuz fighting to get back to my place is so exhausting and draining. Its not my nature to give up. On anything. I haven't given up on anything yet. Except one. It may be time to give up on another just to save my health and my sanity. Who knows what'l happen next. I wish my dreams were next in line to come true like all of my former classmates on facebook. I want it to be my turn. When will my turn come????