The Psychology of Me

Well, sometimes I fascinate myself. I do not have extensive knowledge of psychology, but I analyze things I do and say sometimes, trying to search for the deeper meaning of things.

So lately, I find my mind is being a bad chica on me, and I'm really shocking myself. It all goes back to my ex. Who basically said he wanted to be with me, yet rejected me constantly. He'd never make time for me, or talk to me, or make any long term plans w/ me, yet still swore I was the one for him. It was very confusing.

I don't have low self esteem. I think its okay. I mean I definitely don't think I'm all that at ALL! But I have average self esteem I guess. I am who I am. *shrug*.

My ex's constant rejection of me left my ego pretty bruised. I started to wonder what was wrong with ME, since he didn't seem to want me (he only wanted me sometimes. but that won't cut it in a relationship). I was very =( for a long time, and there are def days where I continue to be.

Sometimes my mind tries to reassure itself that I'm not completely fucked up or something. I find myself liking people who remind me of him. Theres one in particular. I won't mention his name cuz some people know him. Theres been a few people I've liked. This guy I just feel something for but I just can't put my finger on it. But the problem is , he's alot older than me. I don't know his real age but I know this can't be pretty. I am not trying to be with him. I'm not trying for anything. The constant rejection of my ex has made me seek attention elsewhere. I'm not into guys hitting on me. I actually hate it. I hate cheap lines and such. I just want to know that I'm still 'wantable'. This stems from the rejection I got from my ex. I know it! I just want ppl to look at me. I want ppl to flirt w/ me (but ask me to come home w/ you and you kill it, and I'm so done w/ you ! lol I'm not a whore!) I dont' want anything physical w/ these people. I just want them to LOOK but not touch. If I get what I want, I feel better. I hate that I'm some attention seeking whore now. Well not whore, but attention-seeking-whore. Difference. =)

So this dude. I've known him for a year. He reminds me of my ex. He has certain mannerisms that my ex had. He has a certain way about him that was like my ex. He has the same job as my ex. Why do I find myself looking at him like I have a crush on him? His age freaks me out big time. He doesn't look his age (which is only a guess, since I dont know his real age), but I just look at him differently. For a while I wanted to just talk to him. Do I think that its gonna replace something that was missing? I don't know. I want to get him to smile and laugh and flirt w/ me. and then I'm happy. He did. Tonight. And I feel so happy. But why?

I mean I know why, but I just dont' know why I seek this from people who remind me of B (the ex). I guess its to validate myself. He didn't want me. So I want other people to. Just dont' want it to go further than looking. It'd be pretty dangerous if I was the type to take things further. Luckally I'm not. *whew*. so I still have to see this person. I'm trying to talk myself out of this lil' crush I have cuz I know its not real. I know its just to make myself feel like SOMEONE wants me. Since B never seemed to. I just hate that this guy is so much like B. I guess this is just a phase. I've been thru alot these past 4 yrs. I guess this is how I heal from it, and cope w/ it. I just hope I stop liking these people, so I can really like someone I can really be with. And I'd prefer him not to remind me of my ex. But everyone I've liked since HAS.... Sometimes it seems so hopeless.

Its so weird that I analyze and understand my own psyche.